Lines by Unlucky Alf 4
[Alf is walking to the bus-stop, as the bus approaches he begins to run, the bus does not stop]
UAUnlucky Alf
Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.
[another bus comes round the corner]
UAUnlucky Alf
Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.
[the bus-stop sign falls down and hits Alf on the head, he falls to the ground and the bus does not stop]
UAUnlucky Alf
See this? It's an FA Cup final ticket, though knowing my luck they'll probbly cancel the game. So, I've decided not to risk it. I'm just goin' t' sit here, wi' a nice glass o' beer, and watch it on t' telly.
[he picks up the remote, presses a button and the TV explodes, starting a fire. He picks up his beer and throws it over the fire, extinguishing it]
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh...bugger!
UAUnlucky Alf
Sad day, buryin' me friend Albert today. Droppin' like flies they are now, all me old comrades. So, I'm off t' funeral at t' local cemt'ry. Though knowing my luck, something 'll probbly go tragically wrong...
[at the cemetery the funeral is over and everyone is walking from the grave. A knocking comes from the ground]
UAUnlucky Alf
Let me out. Let me out. You've buried t' wrong bloke, it was Albert you were supposed t' be burying. Oh...bugger!
[Alf is feeding the geese in a park]
UAUnlucky Alf
Not many pleasures remainin' in life for an old gent, 'part from poppin' in t' park for an hour or so to feed the geese. [to geese] Come on, come on me little friends, g-oooh!
[a goose appears and pecks at his crotch]
UAUnlucky Alf
Ooh, bugger! I didn't realise that were goin' t' happen. Ooh! Not that I've got much use for it anymore, I suppose.
Scenes with Unlucky Alf 6
[Alf walks out of a greenhouse]
UAUnlucky Alf
Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.
[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh no, me new greenhouse!
[ball hits him in the face]
COChild [offscreen]
Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.
[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh...bugger!
[Alf comes out of his house]
PBPasser-by
Good morning, Unlucky Alf.
UAUnlucky Alf
'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.
[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]
[Alf walks in holding a parrot cage and places it on a table]
UAUnlucky Alf
I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.
[he looks at the parrot, wo just stares right back and says nothing]
[he sits down in his chair]
PParrot
Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!
UAUnlucky Alf
Bah, puddle. Knowing my luck, if I step in that, I'll go straight up t' me middle. I'll take me chances wi' road. Though knowing my luck, I'll probbly get run over.
[he steps out onto the road but is stopped by a passer-by, before a passing car nearly hits him]
PBPasser-By
Whoah! Hold up, grandad, what you doin'? You don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked.
UAUnlucky Alf
Well I'm not going in there young'un, knowing my luck it's probbly 'bout 4 or 5 foot deep.
PBPasser-By
Nah, you're all right, look. [he stamps about in the puddle] You won't even get your feet wet, hardly.
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh, all right then, here goes nothin'
[he steps in the puddle and falls in up to his waist]
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh...bugger!
PBPasser-By
Well, that was a bit unlucky.
[the passer-by walks away leaving Alf in the puddle]
UAUnlucky Alf
Another day. I don't hold out much 'ope. Usual mixture of bad luck and despair, misery and frustration, piles.
[there's a knock at the door, Alf opens it]
UAUnlucky Alf
That's right.
PMPools Man
You've won the pools.
PMPools Man
Here's a cheque for £1 000 000.
UAUnlucky Alf
Oh right, well thanks very much. [he reads from cheque] 'One million pounds only', I don't know why they write 'only' seems like quite a lot of money to me.
[another knock at the door]
[a woman dressed in 'sexy' clothing is at the door]
WWoman
Hello, pet. Can I borrow a cup o' sugar?
UAUnlucky Alf
I'm sorry, I've run out.
WWoman
That's all right, I didn't really want any, it's you I'm after you beast. You lucky boy, you lucky boy, you lucky boy...
UAUnlucky Alf
No, back off, control yourself, no, no, no...
[fades to Alf in bed]
UAUnlucky Alf
...no, no...[alarm sounds and he turns it off] Thank Christ for that, it were all just a bad dream.
[dust falls from the ceiling and there is a creaking above]
UAUnlucky Alf
'Ere we go...
[the ceiling falls and lands on Alf who makes a hole through it and looks out]
UAUnlucky Alf
That's more like it.
[Alf walks out of shop holding a piece of paper]
UAUnlucky Alf
Just bought me lottery ticket, though knowing my luck I probbly won't win 'owt. Bloody hell!
[the giant lottery finger appears]
LFLottery Finger
It's you!
[the finger pushes Alf and he smashes through the window behind him. A man walks from the shop]
LFLottery Finger
Oh, sorry, I mean you.
The Fast Show · 74 quotes