The Fast Show quotes

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At a French maids finishing school? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Bingo!

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a student-nurses hall of residence? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Has no-one thought of the consequences? Oh well.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?

I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.

We don't watch television, sir.

Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...

Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.

Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?

Yea..yes.

Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?

Oh!

Quite exquisite sir. Ooh

The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.

Suit you.

Suit you, sir.

You didn't find it too long?

No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.

Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.

Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.

I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.

Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.

Oh! Oh!

Suit you, sir.

Oh! Suit you.

Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

At the time, I was still a... [rambles] ...like a giant marshmallow... [rambles] ...fingerless gloves, very sensual... [rambles] ...just off St Alexander's Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop... [rambles] ...the head became completely detached... [rambles; makes bubbling noises] ...we always felt like we were being watched, like that... [rambles] ...I went completely cross-eyed... [crosses his eyes] ...I can't do it now... [rambles] ...I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful... [rambles] ...lorry load of interesting cheeses... [rambles] ...there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm... [rambles] ...and then they made their burrows in rotten wood... [rambles] ...a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match... [rambles; moves his arms as if running] ...shoot him, you fool!... ...I didn't hear any of it of course, I'm afraid, I was very, very drunk.

What is a woman, Paul?

I beg your pardon, Swiss?

Watch me. Learn from me. I could teach you everything there is to know about this business. These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams. And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.

Right, yes, Swiss.

A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films, and the manly smell of a pipe. A woman is a mysterious, complex box of tricks. When you're selling a car to woman, you have to imagine you're making love to her. You have to seduce her. And when she buys, that's the Big-O: Orgasm central. Multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.

Like a fleet?

Yes, but, that never happens.

What if you're selling a car to a bloke?

Then it's all about todgers. These aren't cars, they're todgers.

But I thought you said they were dreams?

You ever dream about todgers, Paul?

No.

No, no. Neither do I, obviously. When you're selling a car to man, it all comes down to who's got the biggest todger. You have to make him think that his is bigger. But, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest. You have to keep telling yourself, "I've got the biggest todger in the world".

I've got the biggest todger in the world.

It's not as big as mine, Paul. It's not as big as mine.

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a sixth-form girl's dormitory? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? What were they thinking of?

Washing a car, Paul, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you've got to caress the body, breathe softly and gently on her, and give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

All we ever do is wash the bloody cars, Toni. I mean, when are we gonna sell them?

What is it that women want, Paul?

I don't know, babies, probably.

You're a Neanderthal, Paul!

What's that?

Caveman, living in prehistoric times. Let me tell you what the sophisticated, modern, liberated, nineties ladies like. They like fine wines, Belgian chocolates, Hello! magazine, and the smell of a pipe. Did I ever tell you about the time I was on St. Lucia? Met a girl on the beach, she was young, and dark, and fruity. She had on the tiniest... the tiniest bikini that I have ever seen. And when I took her up to my room, she took it off. She had the most extraordinary...[static]

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a women's prison? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Oh well, penal correctitude it is then.

Do I find you reading a book, Paul?

Yeah, sorry, Swiss. There are no customers, and, it's a guide book I'm going camping at the weekend.

Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman: you unzip the door, put up your pole, and slip into the old bag.

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? At the changing rooms of the Brazilian synchronised-swimming team? Let's hope I live up to my reputation. Ladies, here I come, time for a rub down.

Good morning, sir - and how are we, today?

Blooming, thank you. And you?

[on the back foot] Radiant, sir. Radiant.

Good, good. Now, I'm looking for a suit. Not to formal, not too casual. Lightweight, not too flimsy. A neutral colour, but not too dull.

Ooh, you know your own mind - don't you, sir?

Yes, I suppose I do.

Oh! A suit, sir. Suits you. Is that all you're after, sir?

Yes. After all, I have enough socks. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Have you ever thought about going at it full pelt with tranny, sir? Ooh! A shemale? A man-woman-man? Ooh!

Why do you ask?

[completely off-guard] It's just a matter of interest, sir. I take an interest in that sort of thing.

I see. And you?

Sir?

Have you ever sampled the unique delights of a ladyman?

[horrified] I really think that's none of your business, sir!

You're quite right! Now, this suit.

[subdued] Yes, sir. A suit, sir. These were tailored in Thailand, sir.

Anything goes out there - doesn't it, sir? Have you spent much time out there, sir? In Bang-COCK!

Not now, Kenneth, he's a live one...

Hmm? The sex capital of the world, sir? Hmm? But don't you feel grubby after a while, sir?

Yes, I generally feel I need a thorough cleansing after I've mired myself in the addictive world of pornography, prostitution and perverse sex games. One always hates oneself, don't you think?

Well, er...

One feels the need to reacquaint oneself with the finer things in life. With purity. With love. With innocence. And then... [hooks an arm over Ken and Kenneth's shoulders, and squeezes them to him] ...it's down with the trousers, out with the old chap, and come on ladies, come on gentlemen, come on you trannies! Fruits of the forest! Sapiers! COME SLIDE DOWN THE GREASY POLE OF MY DEPRAVITY! I'LL BRING THE CHICKENS!

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? Alone with my best friends wife? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? While he's downstairs? What does he think I'm going to do, sing her a lullaby or something? Mmm.

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? On a farm? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? They must be absolutely stark raving bonkers! Daisy, daddy's home! [cow "moo"s as he walked into a stall]

Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In a mortuary? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? Oh well.

Day Eight, white water rafting.

Yee-haaa!

This is a river, one tough bitch. A swirling, raging, thrashing, torrent of screaming water.

Screamin' water!

And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown, who thought they could tame her. You must respect her, you must respect the river if you wanna come out of her alive...

Huhuhur, he's in! That's a tenner you owe me Baz! Hahahaha!