Kenneth quotes from The Fast Show

Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir?

I am an actor. I have done one or two commercials.

We don't watch television, sir.

Well I have done some Shakespeare. Although you probably wouldn't have...

Oh, that's right sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out sir. Ooh.

Have you seen Kenneth Brannagh's Hamlet sir?

Yea..yes.

Oh, Kenneth Brannagh's an extraordinary Hamlet isn't it sir?

Oh!

Quite exquisite sir. Ooh

The thing's he does with his Hamlet beggars belief sir. I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.

Suit you.

Suit you, sir.

You didn't find it too long?

No, I like a long Hamlet. Don't you sir.

Oh. It was even longer than Olivier's.

Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage it was perfect. The audience gasped in wonder at it, sir.

I didn't think Kenneth Brannagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet, sir.

Ah, but he did Ken and apparently it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.

Oh! Oh!

Suit you, sir.

Oh! Suit you.

Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you.

Good morning, sir - and how are we, today?

Blooming, thank you. And you?

[on the back foot] Radiant, sir. Radiant.

Good, good. Now, I'm looking for a suit. Not to formal, not too casual. Lightweight, not too flimsy. A neutral colour, but not too dull.

Ooh, you know your own mind - don't you, sir?

Yes, I suppose I do.

Oh! A suit, sir. Suits you. Is that all you're after, sir?

Yes. After all, I have enough socks. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Have you ever thought about going at it full pelt with tranny, sir? Ooh! A shemale? A man-woman-man? Ooh!

Why do you ask?

[completely off-guard] It's just a matter of interest, sir. I take an interest in that sort of thing.

I see. And you?

Sir?

Have you ever sampled the unique delights of a ladyman?

[horrified] I really think that's none of your business, sir!

You're quite right! Now, this suit.

[subdued] Yes, sir. A suit, sir. These were tailored in Thailand, sir.

Anything goes out there - doesn't it, sir? Have you spent much time out there, sir? In Bang-COCK!

Not now, Kenneth, he's a live one...

Hmm? The sex capital of the world, sir? Hmm? But don't you feel grubby after a while, sir?

Yes, I generally feel I need a thorough cleansing after I've mired myself in the addictive world of pornography, prostitution and perverse sex games. One always hates oneself, don't you think?

Well, er...

One feels the need to reacquaint oneself with the finer things in life. With purity. With love. With innocence. And then... [hooks an arm over Ken and Kenneth's shoulders, and squeezes them to him] ...it's down with the trousers, out with the old chap, and come on ladies, come on gentlemen, come on you trannies! Fruits of the forest! Sapiers! COME SLIDE DOWN THE GREASY POLE OF MY DEPRAVITY! I'LL BRING THE CHICKENS!

Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?

Fine. You?

Radiant, sir, radiant.

Ooh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?

Yes, yes it's nice.

Ooh, suit you, sir, suit like that, ooh. Do you want one off the peg, sir, or do you want one made up?

Well I'm looking for something a bit smart, I'm starting a new job.

Ooh, congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own secretary, sir?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

Will you be giving it to her, sir?

I'm sorry?

Your secretary, sir, will you be giving it to her?

I'm not sure I understand.

Have you thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent Blue Serge.

Yes, blue, or a grey.

Oooh, suit you, sir, ooh. The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir?

Were you out with a lady last-night, sir?

Yes, I was, as a matter of fact.

Did she want it, sir?

I beg your pardon?

The lady you were out with last-night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you, sir, ooh!

Ah, ah, arms. Sorry, sir, didn't mean a thing. Just making conversation, won't say another word. This...lady you were out with last-night, sir?

Yes.

Known her long?

Yes, about four years. She's my fiancée.

Does she want it, sir?

You what?

Your fiancée, does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir?

Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds, ooh!

Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Good bye. [he leaves]

Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir, like this? Ah!

Suit you, sir.

Suit you, sir.