Brilliant quotes from The Fast Show

I'n't sex brilliant? You know, having it off, it's fantastic. I've done it like hundred times now, with me girlfriend. It's fantastic, except afterwards when y'ave to clear up all the mess, you know, all the wood an' that. I feel sorry for people who haven't had it off, you know, 'cause it's fantastic, except the first couple o' times I really hurt me goolies...they're all right now.

You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant, but 'e's not really small, 'e's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly. And they did it wi' trick photography, which is brilliant, only they don't call it that no more, they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2, have you seen it? It's about a bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again, fantastic. Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a different number like 2 or 3. Even bad films are great aren't they? 'Cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant, in fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, and brilliant silvery costumes and food in pills, and probably some kind of future-y can-opener, fantastic. And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything, except play football, a computer wouldn't be no good in goal. But they can do anything else virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at. I tried wi' me brothers crash helmet the other day and I fell down t' stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?

Holidays are brilliant, aren't they? They last two weeks, two weeks, or one if you want, or even just a weekend, it don't matter. Or if you got time, a month, but maybe that's too long, eh? The whole point of 'em is you don't have to go t' work, if you got a job that is. And you can go to foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like France, or that other one. And you go on a plane, planes are brilliant aren't they? Imagine what holidays must be like without 'em, to get to France would take like years and years and you would've had to swim the Channel with your suitcases and your pyjamas would've got all wet. But you can get on a plane, which is brilliant, and some of 'em now go faster than the speed of sound, which is really brilliant. 'Cause that means, before you went, you could shout 'hello' and when you got there, if you really really listened, you could probably hear yourself, like far-off and distant, like 'hello', like an echo, 'hello'. Aren't echoes brilliant? They're not a modern invention, you just shout and it comes back exactly the same, you don't have to do 'owt, the mountain does it all for you. Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant. [image of volcano erupting] See volcanoes brilliant. [image of sea waters breaching sea wall] Flooding. Fantastic. [image of wave slamming into a ship] Great big waves. Brilliant. [image of lightning strike] Lightning. Brilliant. [image of forest fire] Forest fires, yeah. [image of tornado]Tornadoes, they're best, wow, amazing.

Eh, ain't it brilliant these days? The pubs are open all day, brilliant, they never used to be, fantastic, you can drink all day, brilliant. And 'ave you seen those new photo shops? You can get your pictres developed in like two hours, two hours, used t' take a week, brilliant. And you know answer phones, they're fantastic aren't they? I've got one but I don't know how it works. Paints good innit? All them colours and that? Yeah. Do you know what? In London, they've got these brilliant trains that go underground, you don't suffocate or nowt, fantastic. What about them animals you can get, you keep 'em in your 'ouse, and they're all furry, and you can stroke 'em, and make up names for them and they're called 'dogs', and smaller ones are called 'cats'. It's brilliant, everything's just fantastic.

Glasses; megaphones; mountains; chairs; dinosaurs; er, telly; music; cars; trains; hat and gloves; shoes; zebras; Eric Cantona; adverts, posters and that; calendars; roofs; umbrellas; er, caravans; pancakes; that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah; magazines; outer space and chocolate, all brilliant!

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH...aren't mams brilliant? They give birth to you, you know, they 'have' you, an' that. And then they look after you, for as long as you want. You don't have to pay 'em or nowt, fantastic. In fact, they pay you, pocket money and that, you know? Brilliant. And they've got this special magic way of puttin' your socks on, where they turn 'em 'alf inside out. I love mams, they're brilliant, and they're all different, which is brilliant, 'cause if they all looked the same you wouldn't know which 'ouse to go to for your tea. That'd be terrible wouldn't it, you might not be ready at the time you normally have it. Dads are all right but mams are better, mams are softer, and they smell better, and they do the cooking. 'Ave you seen them new cookers called 'microwaves, where everything takes just one minute to cook, one minute, your dinner, your snack, your tea even. Just one minute, or your breakfast if you want. One minute breakfast, fantastic. Microwaves, brilliant, but you can't put metal in 'em, I don't know why.

I fell over, brilliant.

Aren't kids brilliant thes days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round plain' video games, you don't have to worry 'bout 'em getting run over or 'owt, fantastic. When I were a kid I used to get dead bored, me Dad used t' say that when he were a kid...

...all I needed were a bit o' string...

...then he'd hit us 'round the 'ead, brilliant, fantastic. Aren't shops brilliant? 'Cause if you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop. Like a magazine, or anything, even some milk, or Cheesy-Peas, aren't Cheesy-Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy-Peas, brilliant. And, you know, if we didn't have shops, we wouldn't be able to buy 'em, wouldn't be able to buy 'owt, and we'd probably all die, and that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? If you think about it, right, if we didn't 'ave 'em, everywhere would just be one big road, and we'd probably keep getting run over all the time, and we'd all die, and that'd be terrible wouldn't it? I mean, really terrible. I'n't the sky brillliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic.

Just swallowed a fly, brilliant.