Roy quotes from The Fast Show

Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?

Trolley dollies.

He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?

They’re all caked in make-up.

He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?

They’re all poofs and lezzies.

You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!

Oh, we’ve been to Stratford on Avon and to went to see Shakespeare’s old house, I said to the guide it’s a bit pokey, What did I say to the guide Roy?

It’s a bit pokey

Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?

The prices aren’t old fashioned.

Oh they did laugh. I mean we're not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?

I think I’m going to pee me pants

We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?

Four and a half hours

Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?

We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it

I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!

Oh you’re going to Turkey, oh you lucky thing. Oh we’ve been to Turkey myself and Roy, 1990 went to Turkey, ‘91 Turkey, ‘92 Turkey, ‘93 Morecambe- Oh it’s not a patch on Turkey- it’s not got the same atmosphere what did I say Roy?

It’s not got the same atmosphere

Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?

They did laugh

You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?

You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination

I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?

You look like an egg on legs

They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?

You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!

I did not say that- Roy.

Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?

It’s sooo Parisian

I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?

We’ll come here again.

And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?

Call the concierge.

Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?

Because of my legs

So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?

Bain

So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England but I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?

Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?

He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!

Oh we’ve just come back from London the capital city, there’s so much to see and do you know but everything’s so far apart I said to Roy ohh, me poor plates of meat, what did I say Roy?

Me poor plates of meat

We went to see Les Miserable you know oh its really disappointing its all singing, you know no storyline. The tourists they were all queuing up outside for their tickets I said to Roy it’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone, what did I say Roy?

It’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone

Went for a smashing meal at the Berni Inn myself and Roy, Big fans of Berni Inns and now there’s Harvester- what can you do? But there was like no room on the ground floor but the waiter found us a table up the apples and pears, where was the tables Roy?

Up the apples and pears

Oh the waiter was cheeky you know real cockney type but nice with it, and he said to Roy is this your daughter about me, and Roy said no - it’s my wife. What did you say Roy?

It’s my trouble and strife.

Don’t make me beat you again- Roy!

You’d think they’d never seen a cloud before, oh we did laugh- they’re even selling T-shirts of the cloud; we brought one each myself and Roy, oh I said to Roy I don’t know if they will wash well, what did I say Roy?

I don’t know if they will wash well.

Next thing this film crew arrived, so I went up to this foreign man and said hello, we’re from England in the United Kingdom, I said could we be in your film we’ve seen loads of clouds- what did I say Roy?

We’ve seen loads of clouds.

Well I said we are experts myself and Roy, the foreign man said could you go away, we’re trying to film, what did they say Roy?

Hethethethetheth Pethethethetheth

Stop showing off… Roy!