“Season Two, Episode Two” quotes from The Fast Show

My name's Chris, erm, I am an alcoholic...

We've all been there.

Then, I moved on to stronger things, Night Nurse, Benylin. I was basically drinkin anything I could get my hands on, and that's why I came today.

Well done, Chris.

Does anyone fancy a pint?

I'n't sex brilliant? You know, having it off, it's fantastic. I've done it like hundred times now, with me girlfriend. It's fantastic, except afterwards when y'ave to clear up all the mess, you know, all the wood an' that. I feel sorry for people who haven't had it off, you know, 'cause it's fantastic, except the first couple o' times I really hurt me goolies...they're all right now.

Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.

"Gotten"!

Now, although paintball is not real war...

"Buddies"!

Although paintball is not real war...

"I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!

Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...

Sorry, Si.

Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.

What?

Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.

We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.

And believe me, they work.

It's gripped!

Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.

Right, it's gripped!

Right, let's paint ball!

Good luck, comrade.

What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?

You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!

Jokus maximus bollockus number two!

Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.

Sorry, bad joke.

Let's paint ball.

It's gripped!

Sorted!

Sorry, Baz, gotta do it.

Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.

Oh thanks love, lovely. Oh I’d have loved to have been an air hostess you know, I would, such a glamorous life you know jetting off all over the place serving businessmen with tea but Roy thinks, he thinks you’re just waitresses, trolley dollies he calls you, what did you call them Roy?

Trolley dollies.

He’s funny Roy ain’t he. When we got on the plane I said to Roy, Oh don’t those air hostesses look lovely in those posh uniforms and do you know what Roy said, he said they’re all caked in make-up, what did you say Roy?

They’re all caked in make-up.

He’s really observant Roy, you know he sees everything visually. But my friend Gloria she said the pilots marry air hostesses, and I said some of them do Gloria, but some of them are gay, which is fine, what did I say Roy?

They’re all poofs and lezzies.

You lying bastard Roy- I hope you crash!

..."Johnny! Johnny Ludlow!" Hahaha... [rambles] ...terrible flatulence... [rambles] ...you see?... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made completely out of rubber... [rambles; make bubbling noises] ...in fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language... [rambles] ...a rather striking moustache... [rambles] ...wow! you see?... [rambles] ...you know, you can actually drive one of those cars, on three wheels!... [rambles] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.