Prof. Dexter quotes from The Fast Show

We took four cardboard tubes, the kinda tubes you'd find in a brand of regular toilet tissue, and then proceeded to place them on the floor. Making four columns, equidistantly thus. We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average body-weight of a human man.

No.

We heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade, that's human body temperature.

It tastes revolting. Now Dave and sub-vectors. Dave...

At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur. After building a time-machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin-foil, I attempted to travel back in time 5 million years. The results were disappointing. I then realised it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then reassemble the bones. Try to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff cave-man. And now Dave and particle acceleration. Dave...

We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's Clarinet Quintet. After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music. The results were disappointing. Next time, we will feed and water the mice. Now, Dave with a sideways look at Deoxyribo-Nucleic-Acid. Dave...

We took seventy millilitres of ordinary tap-water, and put it in this beaker. Then we took seventy millilitres of rainwater from the laboratory roof, and put it in this beaker... don't ask me why. We just did.

We took this skull... from another laboratory! Heh, heh. Didn't we, Dave? Huh, huh.

I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969. At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as Tune In, Turn On and Drop Out and there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs. Can I just say, at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research or my philosophy.

And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter?

Space bats.

Space bats?

You bet your ass.