The Fast Show quotes

We heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade, that's human body temperature.

It tastes revolting. Now Dave and sub-vectors. Dave...

Oh you’re going to Turkey, oh you lucky thing. Oh we’ve been to Turkey myself and Roy, 1990 went to Turkey, ‘91 Turkey, ‘92 Turkey, ‘93 Morecambe- Oh it’s not a patch on Turkey- it’s not got the same atmosphere what did I say Roy?

It’s not got the same atmosphere

Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?

They did laugh

You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?

You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination

I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?

You look like an egg on legs

They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?

You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!

I did not say that- Roy.

I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.

Bugger!

Wanker...wanker!

Bu...

Wanker!

B...

Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!

Eh, ain't it brilliant these days? The pubs are open all day, brilliant, they never used to be, fantastic, you can drink all day, brilliant. And 'ave you seen those new photo shops? You can get your pictres developed in like two hours, two hours, used t' take a week, brilliant. And you know answer phones, they're fantastic aren't they? I've got one but I don't know how it works. Paints good innit? All them colours and that? Yeah. Do you know what? In London, they've got these brilliant trains that go underground, you don't suffocate or nowt, fantastic. What about them animals you can get, you keep 'em in your 'ouse, and they're all furry, and you can stroke 'em, and make up names for them and they're called 'dogs', and smaller ones are called 'cats'. It's brilliant, everything's just fantastic.

At the weekend, I continued my research into a particularly rare species of dinosaur. After building a time-machine out of a station wagon, some pots and pans, and some aluminum tin-foil, I attempted to travel back in time 5 million years. The results were disappointing. I then realised it would be more sensible to excavate some fossils, and then reassemble the bones. Try to make a mental picture, of what it was like to be a gruff cave-man. And now Dave and particle acceleration. Dave...

Bugger, I missed it! I bloody knew that were going t' happen. I'm on me way t' British Legion Club, generally pop down every Tuesday afternoon. Have a game of cards, or perhaps some dominoes, usually lose at both, no surprises there, eh? Now I expect I'll be stood here all the bloody day waiting for another bus.

Crikey, there's a stroke o' luck, here's one now.

Aren't kids brilliant thes days? They're 'appy just sittin' 'round plain' video games, you don't have to worry 'bout 'em getting run over or 'owt, fantastic. When I were a kid I used to get dead bored, me Dad used t' say that when he were a kid...

...all I needed were a bit o' string...

...then he'd hit us 'round the 'ead, brilliant, fantastic. Aren't shops brilliant? 'Cause if you want something, no matter what it is, you can get it in a shop. Like a magazine, or anything, even some milk, or Cheesy-Peas, aren't Cheesy-Peas brilliant? They're a combination of cheese and peas to form Cheesy-Peas, brilliant. And, you know, if we didn't have shops, we wouldn't be able to buy 'em, wouldn't be able to buy 'owt, and we'd probably all die, and that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Aren't pavements brilliant? If you think about it, right, if we didn't 'ave 'em, everywhere would just be one big road, and we'd probably keep getting run over all the time, and we'd all die, and that'd be terrible wouldn't it? I mean, really terrible. I'n't the sky brillliant? I mean, where does it end? Fantastic.

Just swallowed a fly, brilliant.

We took four laboratory mice, and for six days exposed them to Mozart's Clarinet Quintet. After the six days was over, we then placed an actual clarinet inside the cage with the mice, to see if the mice had grasped the subtle nuances of classical music. The results were disappointing. Next time, we will feed and water the mice. Now, Dave with a sideways look at Deoxyribo-Nucleic-Acid. Dave...

Oh we’ve just come back from Paris in France, haven’t we Roy, we got off the train I said ohh it’s sooo Parisian, what did I say Roy?

It’s sooo Parisian

I mean French cuisine its the best in the world you know the chips are so thin and crispy, I said Roy we’ll come here again, what did I say Roy?

We’ll come here again.

And then we had some trouble at the hotel you know, we’d booked a room with a bath but when we got there it were a shower, I said to Roy call the concierge, what did I say Roy?

Call the concierge.

Which is French for hotel porter man. You know but Roy, he will not take a shower, he will not take a shower, because of his legs, why won’t you take a shower Roy?

Because of my legs

So the concierge came down, he couldn’t have been nicer, he pretended not to understand at first like they do so we had to look it up in the bilingual book what the word for bath was and it was bain, what was it Roy?

Bain

So they moved us to a room with a bain, no bloody view from the fenetre, - I’m back in England but I can’t stop talking French, so I said to Roy we won’t let it spoil our holiday, what did I say Roy?

Do you want bit of Kit-Kat?

He doesn’t want any Kit-Kat- Roy!

See this? It's an FA Cup final ticket, though knowing my luck they'll probbly cancel the game. So, I've decided not to risk it. I'm just goin' t' sit here, wi' a nice glass o' beer, and watch it on t' telly.

Oh...bugger!

Glasses; megaphones; mountains; chairs; dinosaurs; er, telly; music; cars; trains; hat and gloves; shoes; zebras; Eric Cantona; adverts, posters and that; calendars; roofs; umbrellas; er, caravans; pancakes; that clingy stuff, clingfilm, yeah, yeah; magazines; outer space and chocolate, all brilliant!

I was educated at the Woodrow Wilson Institute of Science, between the years 1967 and 1969. At this time, people like Professor Timothy Leary were advocating philosophies such as Tune In, Turn On and Drop Out and there was also the heavy use of hallucinogenic drugs. Can I just say, at this point, that these theories in no way affected my research or my philosophy.

And what exactly are you researching at the moment, Professor Dexter?

Space bats.

Space bats?

You bet your ass.

Oh we’ve just come back from London the capital city, there’s so much to see and do you know but everything’s so far apart I said to Roy ohh, me poor plates of meat, what did I say Roy?

Me poor plates of meat

We went to see Les Miserable you know oh its really disappointing its all singing, you know no storyline. The tourists they were all queuing up outside for their tickets I said to Roy it’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone, what did I say Roy?

It’s a good job we booked ours on the dog and bone

Went for a smashing meal at the Berni Inn myself and Roy, Big fans of Berni Inns and now there’s Harvester- what can you do? But there was like no room on the ground floor but the waiter found us a table up the apples and pears, where was the tables Roy?

Up the apples and pears

Oh the waiter was cheeky you know real cockney type but nice with it, and he said to Roy is this your daughter about me, and Roy said no - it’s my wife. What did you say Roy?

It’s my trouble and strife.

Don’t make me beat you again- Roy!

Sad day, buryin' me friend Albert today. Droppin' like flies they are now, all me old comrades. So, I'm off t' funeral at t' local cemt'ry. Though knowing my luck, something 'll probbly go tragically wrong...

Let me out. Let me out. You've buried t' wrong bloke, it was Albert you were supposed t' be burying. Oh...bugger!

Bah, puddle. Knowing my luck, if I step in that, I'll go straight up t' me middle. I'll take me chances wi' road. Though knowing my luck, I'll probbly get run over.

Whoah! Hold up, grandad, what you doin'? You don't wanna walk in that road, you'll get whacked.

Well I'm not going in there young'un, knowing my luck it's probbly 'bout 4 or 5 foot deep.

Nah, you're all right, look. [he stamps about in the puddle] You won't even get your feet wet, hardly.

Oh, all right then, here goes nothin'

Oh...bugger!

Well, that was a bit unlucky.