Part 1
Day Eight, white water rafting.
This is a river, one tough bitch. A swirling, raging, thrashing, torrent of screaming water.
LLindsey
Screamin' water!
And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown, who thought they could tame her. You must respect her, you must respect the river if you wanna come out of her alive...
[Simon turns to look at the river]
...you must respect her, understand her...
[Lindsey pushes Simon in the river]
LLindsey
Huhuhur, he's in! That's a tenner you owe me Baz! Hahahaha!
Part 2
LLindsey
Right, day eight, part two. Lindsey here. I mean I was only havin' a laugh, I didn't know he'd get washed away. We've come down here to see if we can find him. No luck yet, but the rescue people'll get him. You rang 'em didn't you, Baz?
BBaz
No, I thought you did.
LLindsey
Oh, er. Well, I was only havin' a laugh, he was wearing his life jacket anyway...
[Simon appears in the water and walks up behind Lindsey]
...Well, you know, he's fat, he'll float. He's a good swimmer. You know, what more can I say?
[Simon stands behind Lindsey and picks up an axe]
BBaz
Er, Lindsey? Lindsey?!
LLindsey
What can you do about it?
[Simon hits Lindsey in the head with the axe]
You bastard! You know I can't swim!
LLindsey
Ah, ah. What have you done to my head?! What have you done to my bloody head?! Baz, what's he done to my head?!
BBaz
He's stuck an axe in it.
LLindsey
You stuck an axe in my head?!
LLindsey
What, through the hat?!
LLindsey
You stuck an axe through the famous hat?!
LLindsey
What's it look like?
It looks quite good actually.
LLindsey
Yeah? Let's go down the pub then, shall we?
LLindsey
The hat. The hat. The famous...
[Lindsey collapses]
Part 1
[Simon & Lindsey run toward screen with paintball guns; screaming]
Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.
Now, although paintball is not real war...
Although paintball is not real war...
LLindsey
"I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin; Lindsey screams]
Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...
[he raises his goggles to show; Lindsey shoots Simon in the face; Simon screams]
Part 2
Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.
Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.
LLindsey
We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.
And believe me, they work.
Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.
LLindsey
Right, it's gripped!
[whistle blows]
LLindsey
Good luck, comrade.
[Simon starts to run; Lindsey grins to camera a then starts shooting Simon in the back; Simon falls and Lindsey keeps shooting; Lindsey stops shooting and laughs]
What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?
LLindsey
You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin again]
Jokus maximus bollockus number two!
Part 3
Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.
LLindsey
Sorry, bad joke.
LLindsey
Sorry, Baz, gotta do it.
[Simon turns and runs; Lindsey shoots him again]
LLindsey
Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.
[Lindsey covers his groin; Simon beats him over the head with his gun]
The Fast Show · 74 quotes