Part 1
SSimon
Day Eight, white water rafting.
SSimon
This is a river, one tough bitch. A swirling, raging, thrashing, torrent of screaming water.
SSimon
And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown, who thought they could tame her. You must respect her, you must respect the river if you wanna come out of her alive...
[Simon turns to look at the river]
...you must respect her, understand her...
[Lindsey pushes Simon in the river]
Huhuhur, he's in! That's a tenner you owe me Baz! Hahahaha!
Part 2
Right, day eight, part two. Lindsey here. I mean I was only havin' a laugh, I didn't know he'd get washed away. We've come down here to see if we can find him. No luck yet, but the rescue people'll get him. You rang 'em didn't you, Baz?
BBaz
No, I thought you did.
Oh, er. Well, I was only havin' a laugh, he was wearing his life jacket anyway...
[Simon appears in the water and walks up behind Lindsey]
...Well, you know, he's fat, he'll float. He's a good swimmer. You know, what more can I say?
[Simon stands behind Lindsey and picks up an axe]
BBaz
Er, Lindsey? Lindsey?!
What can you do about it?
[Simon hits Lindsey in the head with the axe]
SSimon
You bastard! You know I can't swim!
Ah, ah. What have you done to my head?! What have you done to my bloody head?! Baz, what's he done to my head?!
BBaz
He's stuck an axe in it.
SSimon
I've stuck an axe in it.
You stuck an axe in my head?!
You stuck an axe through the famous hat?!
SSimon
It looks quite good actually.
Yeah? Let's go down the pub then, shall we?
The hat. The hat. The famous...
[Lindsey collapses]
Part 1
[Simon & Lindsey run toward screen with paintball guns; screaming]
SSimon
Right, day five, paintball. We're here for fun , and camaraderie. The type of people you meet in the paint zone are the best. We've gotten a lot of new buddies since we started balling.
SSimon
Now, although paintball is not real war...
SSimon
Although paintball is not real war...
"I've gotten a gun, let's go shoot some buddies"!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin; Lindsey screams]
SSimon
Although paintball is not real war, it's important to take it seriously. You need the right equipment. We've got the goggles...
[he raises his goggles to show; Lindsey shoots Simon in the face; Simon screams]
Part 2
SSimon
Right, three big tips before we start: shoot it, shovel it, and shut up.
SSimon
Shut up! Right, I've got a standard hand-gun, and Lindsey has got one of those fast-action automatic-cocking babies.
We're going for maximum splat, splattus maximus.
SSimon
And believe me, they work.
SSimon
Sorted! Okay, Linds, when the whistle goes, I'm gonna hot-foot it up there, you cover me.
[whistle blows]
SSimon
Right, let's paint ball!
[Simon starts to run; Lindsey grins to camera a then starts shooting Simon in the back; Simon falls and Lindsey keeps shooting; Lindsey stops shooting and laughs]
SSimon
What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Lindsey?
You said "cover me"! Hu-her, joke!
[Simon shoots Lindsey in the groin again]
SSimon
Jokus maximus bollockus number two!
Part 3
SSimon
Right, we're going for the flag on this one. Lindsey, no pissing about. I'm gonna sneak back up that valley, you cover me.
[Simon turns and runs; Lindsey shoots him again]
Sorry, Si, I couldn't resist.
[Lindsey covers his groin; Simon beats him over the head with his gun]
The Fast Show · 74 quotes