You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant, but 'e's not really small, 'e's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly. And they did it wi' trick photography, which is brilliant, only they don't call it that no more, they call it special effects, and they're brilliant. Like in Terminator 2, have you seen it? It's about a bloke who can turn into a puddle and back again, fantastic. Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a different number like 2 or 3. Even bad films are great aren't they? 'Cause at least they try. In the future, all films will be brilliant, in fact, everything will be brilliant in the future, with cars on monorails, and brilliant silvery costumes and food in pills, and probably some kind of future-y can-opener, fantastic. And everything will be done by computers. Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything, except play football, a computer wouldn't be no good in goal. But they can do anything else virtually. I'n't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at. I tried wi' me brothers crash helmet the other day and I fell down t' stairs. Aren't hospitals brilliant?
“Season One, Episode One”
In this episode: Unlucky Alf (2), Brilliant (1), Prof. Dexter (1), Roy (1), Ken (1), Kenneth (1)
[a man enters a suit store and is approached by Ken]
Good morning, sir. How are we today, sir?
Fine. You?
Radiant, sir, radiant.
[the man picks up a suit ]
Ooh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir?
Yes, yes it's nice.
Ooh, suit you, sir, suit like that, ooh. Do you want one off the peg, sir, or do you want one made up?
Well I'm looking for something a bit smart, I'm starting a new job.
Ooh, congratulations, sir. Will you be having your own secretary, sir?
Yes. Yes, I think so.
Will you be giving it to her, sir?
I'm sorry?
Your secretary, sir, will you be giving it to her?
I'm not sure I understand.
Have you thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent Blue Serge.
Yes, blue, or a grey.
Oooh, suit you, sir, ooh. The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir?
[the man grins and nods his head]
Were you out with a lady last-night, sir?
Yes, I was, as a matter of fact.
Did she want it, sir?
I beg your pardon?
The lady you were out with last-night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh, suit you, sir, ooh!
[the man goes to leave]
Ah, ah, arms. Sorry, sir, didn't mean a thing. Just making conversation, won't say another word. This...lady you were out with last-night, sir?
Yes.
Known her long?
Yes, about four years. She's my fiancée.
[Kenneth walks up]
Does she want it, sir?
You what?
Your fiancée, does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir?
Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds, ooh!
Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Good bye. [he leaves]
Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir, like this? Ah!
Suit you, sir.
Suit you, sir.
We took four cardboard tubes, the kinda tubes you'd find in a brand of regular toilet tissue, and then proceeded to place them on the floor. Making four columns, equidistantly thus. We wanted to test if these cardboard tubes would support the average body-weight of a human man.
[he steps on the tubes and they are crushed before he can even get both of his feet up]
No.
Oh, we’ve been to Stratford on Avon and to went to see Shakespeare’s old house, I said to the guide it’s a bit pokey, What did I say to the guide Roy?
It’s a bit pokey
Only they’ve kept it very olde worlde, they’ve not modernised it all you know, its still very Shakespearean- you can buy his story books on the way out, I said to Roy I said the prices aren’t old fashioned are they, what did I say Roy?
The prices aren’t old fashioned.
Oh they did laugh. I mean we're not big fans of Shakespeare myself and Roy, we like Jasper Carrot, we went to see him last year at the Davenport, oh he had everyone roaring laughing I said to Roy I think I’m going to pee me pants, what did I say Roy?
I think I’m going to pee me pants
We went to see Ken Dodd the year before that, oh we’re big fans of Doddy myself and Roy, four and a half hours he did, how long did he do Roy?
Four and a half hours
Oh you know, we had chicken in a basket, the lot, I said we’ve had a smashing night, what did I say Roy?
We had a smashing night and thoroughly enjoyed it
I didn’t say thoroughly enjoyed it- Roy!
[Alf walks out of a greenhouse]
Me new greenhouse. That should keep me tom's nice and warm. Though knowing my luck, kids'll probbly break it wi' cricket ball.
[cricket ball flies up from over the wall]
Oh no, me new greenhouse!
[ball hits him in the face]
Can we have our ball back, Unlucky Alf?
Oh, all right, mind your 'eads.
[he throws the ball and it smashes the greenhouse]
Oh...bugger!
[Alf comes out of his house]
Good morning, Unlucky Alf.
'Morning, though I doubt there's 'owt good about it. [to camera]See that down there, [he points his cane toward the end of the street] they're digging a ruddy great hole at the end o' road. Knowing my luck I'll probbly fall down that.
[he walks down the street towards the hole, as he nears it the wind blows and he goes straight down the hole]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Fast Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.