Holidays are brilliant, aren't they? They last two weeks, two weeks, or one if you want, or even just a weekend, it don't matter. Or if you got time, a month, but maybe that's too long, eh? The whole point of 'em is you don't have to go t' work, if you got a job that is. And you can go to foreign countries, any of 'em you like, like France, or that other one. And you go on a plane, planes are brilliant aren't they? Imagine what holidays must be like without 'em, to get to France would take like years and years and you would've had to swim the Channel with your suitcases and your pyjamas would've got all wet. But you can get on a plane, which is brilliant, and some of 'em now go faster than the speed of sound, which is really brilliant. 'Cause that means, before you went, you could shout 'hello' and when you got there, if you really really listened, you could probably hear yourself, like far-off and distant, like 'hello', like an echo, 'hello'. Aren't echoes brilliant? They're not a modern invention, you just shout and it comes back exactly the same, you don't have to do 'owt, the mountain does it all for you. Some mountains are volcanoes, and they really are brilliant. [image of volcano erupting] See volcanoes brilliant. [image of sea waters breaching sea wall] Flooding. Fantastic. [image of wave slamming into a ship] Great big waves. Brilliant. [image of lightning strike] Lightning. Brilliant. [image of forest fire] Forest fires, yeah. [image of tornado]Tornadoes, they're best, wow, amazing.
“Season One, Episode Two”
In this episode: Unlucky Alf (1), Brilliant (1), Prof. Dexter (1), Roy (1)
We heated this beaker of bear's urine to 37 degrees centigrade, that's human body temperature.
[he removes the thermometer and takes a sip]
It tastes revolting. Now Dave and sub-vectors. Dave...
Oh you’re going to Turkey, oh you lucky thing. Oh we’ve been to Turkey myself and Roy, 1990 went to Turkey, ‘91 Turkey, ‘92 Turkey, ‘93 Morecambe- Oh it’s not a patch on Turkey- it’s not got the same atmosphere what did I say Roy?
It’s not got the same atmosphere
Last time there were a trip to some ruins- I said we haven’t come all this way to look at an eyesore, oh they did laugh, what did they do Roy?
They did laugh
You see, Oh and one night Roy tried his hand on the karaoke, I said to Roy you’ve got a good voice, but no coordination, what did I say Roy?
You’ve got a good voice, but no coordination
I mean were not big sun worshippers myself and Roy we’re big fans of the shade. Roy came down in his shorts one day, I said you look like an egg on legs, what did I say Roy?
You look like an egg on legs
They did laugh ‘round the pool. Oh I got a really dicky tummy on the Wednesday, I said oh Roy, my tummy’s off- what did I say Roy?
You said you could have shit through the eye of a needle!
I did not say that- Roy.
[Alf walks in holding a parrot cage and places it on a table]
I just bought meself a parrot, something to keep me company now that I'm on me own. Though knowing my luck it probbly wont say 'owt.
[he looks at the parrot, wo just stares right back and says nothing]
Bugger!
[he sits down in his chair]
Wanker...wanker!
Bu...
Wanker!
B...
Twat! Twat! Twat! You Twat! Twat!
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