Birkin quotes from The Fast Show

At the time, I was still a... [rambles] ...like a giant marshmallow... [rambles] ...fingerless gloves, very sensual... [rambles] ...just off St Alexander's Square, you know, behind the chocolate shop... [rambles] ...the head became completely detached... [rambles; makes bubbling noises] ...we always felt like we were being watched, like that... [rambles] ...I went completely cross-eyed... [crosses his eyes] ...I can't do it now... [rambles] ...I mean, you must have been there, oh you must go, it's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful... [rambles] ...lorry load of interesting cheeses... [rambles] ...there is no art to find the minds construction of the face, mmm... [rambles] ...and then they made their burrows in rotten wood... [rambles] ...a face like a mad baboon and an arse to match... [rambles; moves his arms as if running] ...shoot him, you fool!... ...I didn't hear any of it of course, I'm afraid, I was very, very drunk.

..."Johnny! Johnny Ludlow!" Hahaha... [rambles] ...terrible flatulence... [rambles] ...you see?... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made completely out of rubber... [rambles; make bubbling noises] ...in fact, we communicated the whole time with sign language... [rambles] ...a rather striking moustache... [rambles] ...wow! you see?... [rambles] ...you know, you can actually drive one of those cars, on three wheels!... [rambles] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

Cairo!... [emits a high pitch squeak; rambles] ...very unstable, politically, pandimonium!... [rambles; then mimes pushing through tall grass and gestures above him] ...a poisonous monkey... [rambles] ...very small chaps, but immensely strong... [rambles] ...hah! like that. It was a completely wasted journey... [rambles] ...Snake! Snake! Aah! Brrr! Gin!... [rambles; mimes holding something] ...lift the thing up, I didn't know what to do... [rambles] ...I made a dreadful hash of his arm, I really did... [rambles] ...I freely admit, that I was very, very drunk.

It happens to every young man, I'm sure... [quietly rambles] ...she was quite beautiful... ...she had a very long neck... ...very intelligent... ...really piercing eyes... ...of course, the war came along... ...really beautiful song: la la la, I can't remember anymore... ...I was in absolute floods of tears... ...it was very, very cold, and... ...and I held her in my arms... [stares silently at the camera] ...I'm afraid I was very drunk.

[rambling]... I remember the time when there was a fireworks display, in the village... [rambles] ...it was quite frightening, bang, crash, wishoo, fizz... [rambles] ...how they actually do that, anyway... [rambles] ...hah!... [rambles] ...one girl was very badly burned... [rambles] ...and I was called upon, in my capacity as... [rambles] ...and I cracked my head very sharply, off a piece of furniture... [rambles] ..."ah" like that... [rambles] ...I'm afraid... that I was very, very drunk.

[laughs] ...I remember, it was just outside Edinburgh!... [laughs; rambles] ...I said to her, "Get a man in" [laughs] She bloody did!... [laughs] ...a makeshift crutch!... [laughs] ...the whole bloody leg was completely septic!... ...didn't wake up for three days, three bloody days!... [laughs] ...I'm laughing now! I'm afraid I was very drunk!

Vast ice floes... [rambles] ...there he was, staring at me, six foot eight if he was an inch... [rambles] ...the whole thing was made out of matchsticks... [rambles] ...I laugh now... [rambles] ...image of a four star Nazi General, licking a lollipop... [rambles] ...I was feeling a little liverish... [rambles] ...he punched me right on the nose... [rambles] ...I didn't feel a thing, I'm afraid, I was very drunk.