Carlos quotes from The Casagrandes

[takes a piece of foil] This isn't gold, it's just chocolate wrappers.

And the wrappers are coupons. [reading] "Congratulations you found the golden treasure. Here's 30% off for your dining pleasure. Sincerely, Pancho Villa's Tacos."

[enraged] Abuelo, you just let us out on a wild goose chase for coupons?!

Oh yeah, Pancho Villa's Tacos. Now I remember, Rosa and I had our first date there. Ha. I must have saved that message in a bottle as a souvenir.

Stanley

Next stop, disappointment. Chugga chugga boo-hoo.

How are you going to make it up to us, Hector? The least you could do is buy us all some tacos.

Ronnie Anne

Abuela? You guys ready?

We're just finishing up another batch of masa for the tamales.

Arturo

[takes a sample] Riquisimo, you guys are doing a great job. [Starts taking another sample, Rosa smacks his hand]

[being subtly splattered with masa] Except somebody has trouble keeping the masa in the bowl.

[flings a handful at him] Actually, my aim is quite good.

Mom! Maria masa'd me!

[getting too old for this] It's like they're kids again.

[opens the windows and takes a photo] I love reminiscing! [starts to cry]

[separates her adult siblings] This batch of masa is done and so are you two.

Ronnie Anne

Abuela, we were supposed to be leaving by now.

I can't go anywhere, there's just too many tamales to make. [surprised] Aye, I never thought I'd say that.

I'll stay and help! I said it first! Jinx! You owe me a soda! [start slap fighting]

Enough! I'll need both of you to help.

I'm just an actor, okay? None of this is real.

[gasp in shock] Not… real?

Bobby

Not cool, Falcón! He's just kidding, Carl. Carl? [catches him as he faints; to El Falcón, crossly] You call yourself a hero?!

Mi pollito, don't throw that away!

[crumples up the poster and throws it in the bag, filled with his El Falcón merchandise] What's the point? El Falcón's not real. [jumps off of his bed and picks the model piece figure] I've been looking up to a fake this whole time!

Not the 10,000-piece El Falcón model! That took us six months to build!

Six months down the drain! [dumps the model in the bag as it breaks apart] My childhood may as well be over! [walks out of his and CJ's room, dragging the bag]

Aye! This breaks my heart.

Bobby

This is all my fault! If only there was a way to make him believe in El Falcón again. Wait! What if I dress up as El Falcón and convince Carl that he's real?

Ronnie Anne

Doesn't El Falcón have like, powers and super strength?

Bobby

No problem, I'm plenty strong. [flexes his muscles, which then deflate] But to make Carl really believe, I'm gonna need all of your help.

You're playing that zoo pants game again?

It's Fashion Safari, Dad.

Whatever it's called. Every time you play, you get so distracted.

That's so not true.

Carlota, are these the practice tests for your finals on Friday? You haven't started any of them.

That's not true, I wrote my name on this one. [holds up one of them]

It just says, Car.

Oh! A spotted purse!

[annoyed enough] That's it! I'm not letting this game get in the way of your grades! I'm getting one of my students to tutor you.

[standing on the couch, still not listening] Yes!

Great, then it's a date.

[hears that] Wait, what? A date?

Wham-A-Rat, I played this as a kid. Mind if we join you for a round?

The whole familia, whamming ratas! I cherish these moments… [howls in anger and starts whamming rats]

Hey, Carlos, I won two prizes in the claw machine!

Uh-huh. That's great, Vito.

Hey, Bruno, thanks for watching the boys. [to his dogs] Big Tony, Little Sal. I got presents for you. Enjoy your new chew toys!

[horrified] Chew toys?! RUN, QUICK! Before we're dog food!

Are you ready, papa?

[eating a torta, without pants, or enthusiasm] Ya seen one building, ya seen 'em all. Why am I going?

Anyone who donated was invited.

Uh... I don't remember donating.

I did. Now put some pants on and lose the torta. You'll ruin your suit.

I'm not a baby, I know how to eat. [eats the whole torta in his mouth, except for the condiments which end up on him; whining] Rosa, my shirt!

Ernesto

Buenos dias, mis estrellitas. Today, I am talking about the water sign.

Oh, Maria, that's you.

Ernesto

A lifetime of happiness is in sight if…

If…

Ernesto

You're back with your ex by tonight. Es tu destino!

Maria, you're getting back together with Arturo. I knew it.

Ugh, ay, Mama. You know I don't believe in any of that Ernesto stuff.

Yeah, me neither. But it's so weird because the other day he predicted… [flashback to the day he was brushing his teeth, squeezes the toothpaste tube and cash comes out] I'd find treasure in the bathroom. Check it out. It smells like mint.

Money in the bathroom?! [dashes into the bathroom]

Hey, Carlos. Who you spying on?

How'd you recognize me? And I'm not spying. I'm helping Ronnie Anne beat Tony Hawk's skate team by doing a little…research.

You mean, cheating?

[annoyed] I am not cheating! It's called [yells loudly] RESEARCH! [dives behind a wall as Tony catches the attention, and his team goes back to practicing]

Busted! What's next, Einstein?

Plan B. [grabs Sergio by the throat] B for "bird."

So you have no idea why Principal Valenzuela wanted to talk to us?

Maybe I'm getting an award for best smile in school.

Hmm.

[enters her office; pleasantly] Mr. and Mrs. Casagrande, [unpleasantly at Carl] Carl, unfortunately, this isn't good news.

So he didn't win best smile?

No, Alexis won that. He flosses between every class. Carl was caught tricking kids out of their pudding snacks!

[not seeing the problem as his padres look at him in annoyance] Come on. It was just one time with the pudding.

Just one time, huh? [transit to the hallway, opens up Carl's locker and pudding cups fall on him]

I'm sorry. I just love tricking people. Isn't that what you're always encouraging us do, Principal V, what we love?

That is not what I meant!

We're so sorry, Principal Valenzuela. We're going to take care of this immediately.

Carl, say you're sorry. (And stop eating the pudding!)

[licking out a pudding cup, not listening] From the bottom of my heart, Principal V. You know, I'm gonna go home and have a good long think about my actions.

Oh? Glad to hear it.

And since I'll be so busy thinking, I'll need to skip homework tonight.

Naturally.

Great. Mom, Dad, let's go.

[realizes] Wait, no homework?! CARL!

[enters his and CJ's room, eating more pudding, finding Carlos observing the ants in an ant farm] Dad, what's with the bugs?

Your mother and I think you need a new hobby other than tricking people, so I thought we'd try science. Check it out a real live ant farm three thousand ants digging a tunnel to their queen.

[not interested] I wish I could dig a tunnel out of this room. [starts tapping the ant farm] Stop being boring.

Carl, let's not tap the plastic.

[getting a call from Principal Valenzuela] Hey, Principal Valenzuela. [Frida gasps in excitement to hear the upcoming news] Are you calling to tell us what a good job we did with Carl?

No! He's somehow worse than before! He tricked the teachers out of giving him tests for the rest of the year! He also keeps calling everyone pawns and saying "checkmate".

[gasps in horror] Carl's now using chess to trick people!

[starts to sob] Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Principal Valenzuela!

Actually, it's "Hall Monitor" Valenzuela. Carl tricked me out of my job. He's the principal now!

[comes out of the office] Hey, Valenzuela, quit dawdling. That hall's not gonna monitor itself.

[growls] Argh! FIX THIS!

Ooh. I've created a monster. [looks at the chess board and gets an idea] There's only one thing to do - we have to beat Carl at his own game.

Bobby

Hurry up with the tres leches wedding cake. They just pulled up!

On it!

[enters the apartment with Mama Lupe and Paco] Look, everyone. It's Mama Lupe and Paco, our handsome groom.

Hola.

Bienvenidos.

Hi, Mama Lupe.

[squawks] Primo, ready to clip your wings-- I mean, get married?

Claro que si. I can't wait to marry mi amor, Paulina. [takes out a photo of Paulina, a deformed female pigeon] She's the wind beneath my wings.

Maybe you should keep her beneath your wing. I mean, real catch.

Oh, [hugs Paco tightly] I can't believe mi bebe is finally getting married! [sits on the sofa and claps] Oh, I could almost cry.

[tearfully] Leave that to me!