So when do I get to see Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony?
(acutely) When you learn how to run a respectable business.
What the hell is up with this sign? What's this crude drawing suppose to be?
I-it's the M-M-Magical Pony Carriage.
This looks like a kid drew it. Look at this, why are all the "e's" backwards?
I-I-It... It's suppose to be c-cute.
You think ignorance is cute? Well, I suppose you think you think mental retardation is down right adorable. Lemonade, now! (Jazmine starts to cry and tries to pour a glass) How is anyone supposed to believe you can make lemonade when you can't even spell it? How old are you?
(mocking her stuttering) T-T-T-Too damn old to be writing your "e's" backwards, damnit! (walks away, chuckles)
(speaking under his breath) Squirm little worm.
HHuey
It's okay Jazmine; you don't need him.
(angrily) What do you mean I don't need him?
HHuey
Well you're not gonna let him treat you like that?
What, you think ponies grow on trees?
HHuey
What kind of question is that? It's a large four-legged mammal.
Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I gonna look, Huey? A sixty-five year old woman riding a pony...
HHuey
Jazmine, he's a crook...
You just want everyone to be miserable because you're miserable. AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT STUPID COAT?.. wish you'd go away...
(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
FCFemale customer
(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
(stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
HHuey
Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
HHuey
Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
(cut to Tom)
Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
ACAnnoyed customer one
I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
ACAnnoyed customer two
I'm thirsty!
(approaching Tom) What's the problem?
Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)
HHuey
At this point we’re resorting to what I call “desperation tactics.”
HHuey
(whispering) I’ve sent anonymous letters to the governor threatening to expose his gay lover.
SShabazz
I wasn’t aware the governor was gay…
HHuey
He probably isn’t. But I figure ten percent of the population is gay, and probably about half of people cheat on their spouses; so I figure that plan has about a five percent chance of success. Better than nothing.
HHuey
What? You always say I should have faith. Well that’s me having faith. Random anonymous blackmail...
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
HHuey
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
All right! I get the point.
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
*After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friends list?
Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th
Yaaaa boy, I love technology!
HHuey
(narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating
You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad
I'm starting to feel like Shamar Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace
(We then see clips of Grandpa taking pictures of himself in various poses)
What outfit you want next Grandad?
The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)
HHuey
Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back
Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?
HHuey
I had a bad dream about....
Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)
Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?
Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo
Purple speedo? that's gay
All right boy, so you had a bad dream
HHuey
It was a really bad dream about...
(In the closet) I don't see the purple one
Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?
HHuey
It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)
Leopard-print's all I could find
Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who runs out of the room throwing up) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?
HHuey
He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us
Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy
Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?
No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy
He was blind, you killed a blind old man
Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs
(Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.
Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... wait...you know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us ok...now lets get one more picture.
HHuey
(Narrating) Some people are scared of zombies and vampires. But the thing that scare black people the most are niggas and nigga moments. Tom DuBois was as far from a nigga as a black man could be. But Stinkmeaner knew that every black man's spirit is weakened during a nigga moment.
(Tom waits patiently for a car to pull out of a parking spot. Before he can pull in, a Benz whips into the spot ahead of him.)
What the...? Oh, come on, you... you... ni...nincompoop! You can't do that! Hey!! Come on!
HHuey
(Narrating) Nigga moments can happen to any black man at any time.
(The young black man gets out of the car, pointedly ignoring Tom. Tom gets out and follows him)
Hey!! That was my space! I had my blinker on and everything!
YBYoung Black Man
Fuck you, punk-ass, pussy-ass hook-ass, nigga! (Tom flinches) I'll beat your motherfuckin' sadiddy ass, nigga! Don't never in yo' LIFE ever try to holla at me, nigga! (starts to walk away) Fuck with me, nigga, and I'll pop da trunk on yo' bitch ass, nigga, get my motherfuckin' Uzi, nigga.
(Tom seethes, and starts to convulse as Stinkmeaner's spirit possesses him. Tom's face contorts evilly)
WHAT DID YOU SAY, NIGGA!?
(Young black man stops in his tracks, turns around and walks back towards Tom)
YBYoung Black Man
(annoyed) You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick, nigga. I'm tired of this motherf--
(Possessed Tom jumps in the air and kicks the young black man squarely in the chest with both feet. The force sends the young black man flying through the air and lands hard on the concrete)
(in a maniacal froth, the young black man cowers in fear) OH YEAH! Look at ya! You was poppin' all that GOOD SHIT a second ago, then you got KICKED IN YO' CHEST! YOU EAT A DICK, NIGGA, YOU EAT A DICK!
(Tom's face reverses to his regular self, along with his persona)
Oh, my god! Sir, are you ok? Who did this to you? What did he look like? DID ANYONE SEE WHO ACCOSTED THIS MAN?
HHuey
Meanwhile , I couldn't shake the feeling that an evil force was gathering. (Huey then sees brief flashes of Stinkmeaner training in hell, and being sent back to Earth.) I must be crazy.
GKGhostface Killah
(Ghostface Killah's apparent Force Ghost appears to Huey) Nah, you ain't crazy. Stinkmeaner's comin' back.
HHuey
But Stinkmeaner died.
GKGhostface Killah
What you gonna tell me, ghosts don't exist? Then what the fuck do I look like to you?
HHuey
Ghostface Killah isn't even dead.
GKGhostface Killah
Now, you say what you want, that old crazy goofy-lookin' mothafucka is comin' back. Your granddad's nigga moment ain't dead yet.
HHuey
Then what am I supposed to do? If death can't stop Stinkmeaner, what can?
GKGhostface Killah
Think about it. Peace. (Ghostface Killah's Force Ghost then leaves Huey.)
HHuey
Look, granddad I'm really worried about Tom.
Watch it boy, don't step on my roses!
HHuey
Then why are you putting them on the floor...? But, anyway, I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I really think Stinkmeaner is...
Oh hush boy, I ain't got time for that, now it's DATE NIGHT and you know the rules, now you get in that room I don't care if u hear a scream and hear the house shake like an earthquake, YOU DON'T LEAVE...! Now get!
What the fuck is wrong with you!? Tom! Oh lordy Lord! What the hell! Tom! What’s going on? Tom! Go away! I'm gonna call the police!
I'm gone get that old ass!
(In Huey and Riley's bedroom)
Man I can't hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! That's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and I ain't getting it for him neither, nope.
HHuey
Why would he send a message from...
WHAT THE HELL! Tom! hats goin on! oh my goodness! Tom! What's goin here!? Oh help me son! Help me!
(Granddad narrowly escaping from Possessed Tom while stumbling in his speedo)
Oh my goodness! Some black people are crazy!
Oh yeah, Here comes the Pain (Throw a axe at Granddad but fall down the stairs before being sliced)
Goodness gracious! The life! (Pull up his speedo) Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!
You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)
What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)
"AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!
DING-DING-DING-DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUGGA!
HHuey
I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!
Oh yeah! I'm goin’ back, and I'm takin' ya’ll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whuppin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!
May white god bless you Robert, I came as fast I could.
HHuey
So this is the plan, Uncle Ruckus.
Let's get this party started.
Oh Yeah! You got bad credit, Robert!
Removing a evil nigga spirits from a negro is harder then removing stank from a huck of shit. We must use these tools that the Great God gave us to fight niggas; a whip, a noose, a nightstick, a branding iron! These things strike fear into a nigga's heart. A job application! Avoid conversation with the nigga. The nigga will lie. The nigga will excuse. He will use words that he don't know, if he get desperate he may started to rap or dance.
You all... testicle, and no shaft. What happen to your shaft, Robert!
Oh yeah. There powerful evil niggatry at work here.
(Ruckus open and enter Huey and Riley room along with the Freemans)
Nigga, My name is Reverend Father Uncle Ruckus [No relation]. And the name White Jesus and all the great white man who have come here after. I command the black nigga soul back from the death of hell.
(laughing) Is that all you got, nigga?
Oh, no, nigga. That's just the tip of this iceberg. (opens the Bible and shoves it in Possessed Tom's face) Read, nigga, read!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (bed begins to levitate)
HHuey
You could invite them over for dinner and get to know them...
Yeah, I... guess I could do that...
(Dream sequence)
(The Freemans are sitting, dressed up, at a candle-lit Sunday dinner. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Lethal Interjection barges in.)
Wazhappenin' nigga? Alright nigga, where da chicken wings and donuts at?!
(kicks over a chair, yelling) What the fuck you got to EAT in this bitch, NIGGA?!!!?!?
(Dream sequence ends)
Uh-ummm! THAT shit ain't happenin'.
(to Riley) Hey man, is this your brother?
Yo nigga, your brother told us how you be all into reading and shit. Hey that’s some real good shit my nigga, for real. Congratulations nigga.
HHuey
Did you just congratulate me for reading?
Word, oh yeah, man, you know? Good shit, homie, word, yaknamean? Ya know that reading shit, yaknamean, it's hard, son! Word, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean, especially when them books be, yaknmean? You know, real thick and heavy like, yaknamean? Word, yaknamean?
LLuna
(About the Kumite, a martial arts tournament) Good times. Yeah, good times.
HHuey
The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?
LLuna
Hey, everybody has to die sometime.
(Luna eats her meal, while a flashback continues again)
(In the flashback, Luna is dominating the fight against her opponent)
(Luna rips out the oversized heart of her huge opponent at a fighting tournament)
AAnnouncer
(his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!
(Flashback ends)
LLuna
I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!
(Huey, Riley and Granddad stare at Luna, obviously terrified)
GHGranddad, Huey and Riley
WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
(quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!
(Luna looks surprised at their sudden departure)
(Huey, Riley, and Granddad retreat to the bathroom)
Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!
You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?
HHuey
You gon' tell her to get the hell out!
I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!
HHuey
Oh, come on, Grandad. She's not a kung fu master, she's crazy!
Shit! Then you go kick her ass out!
HHuey
But this is your respondiblity!
Hey, I'm willing to say in the bathroom all night!
HHuey
Well, you were looking for hate. Way to go.
Shut up, punk! Instead of bein' Mr. Funny Nigga, why don't you try bein' Mr. Help-A-Nigga-Go-Jump-A-Nigga-And-Get-His-Chain-Back? Man, I gotta find a way to get it 'fore Thugnificent finds out.
HHuey
Riley, let the chain go. If Thugnificent wants it back, he can handle it.
Then he'll think I'm a punk and kick me out the crew!
HHuey
It's just rocks and metal. It's only worth what you're willin' to give up for it. Is it worth gettin' hurt again?
Yeah-yeah! (A look of shock appears on Riley's face, and he covers his mouth.) Oh! NO!
HHuey
WHOA! Kissin' a man? I mean, if it feels natural and that's what you're into, I mean... (Huey gets up and walks to the door without looking back.)
No, that don't count! That's a do-over! I didn't know you was gon' say dat!
HHuey
Guess you really want that chain back. (Huey opens the door and walks out.)
NO! THE ANSWER IS NO!! (...and the door shuts.)
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
