Howard, Bernadette and others in “The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary”

Damn, it's my mother.

Are you going answer it?

I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.

I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.

Not as crazy as my mother makes me.

Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?

My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?

You live with your mother?

No. That's the sad part.

Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.

That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.

Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?

Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]

Corolla! More wine?

I'd love some!

Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.

Why?

Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.

Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.

It's a date.

[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?