Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.
I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?
Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?
I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.
Penny[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?
No, that's a crazy thing.
[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?
[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.
Impaired cognitive function.
Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!
[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.
[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…
[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]
[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.
I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.
Penny
[at the restaurant] What are you doing here?
A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.
Penny
So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you just like that?
Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.
Penny
Well, here we are.
Oh my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny
Yep.
First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]
Penny
Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]
Penny
Are you Stan Lee?
Penny
Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...
We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.
Penny
Anyway,Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...
SLStan Lee
Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?
You said we were invited.
Penny
No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.
SLStan Lee
You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?
[comes inside] Alright, but I'm not a very much of a sports fan.
Penny
So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?
No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Oh, that's not a good name.
I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny
It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny
Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. Now, let's see what we've got. Ooh! [showing Sheldon an indigo suit] This is nice.
Penny
Yeah, so?
That's a lot of money for only one colour.
Penny
Fine. Why don't you pick out what you like?
Hmm. [Cut to Sheldon exiting changing room in a loud check suit] This is pretty sharp.
Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]
Penny
The Wesley Crushers?
No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.
Penny
I don't get it.
Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Penny
Still don't get it.
It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.
Penny
OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.
No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.
If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.
Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!
[enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!
Penny
OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
Penny
[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
Wait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
Penny
Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon?
Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over fourteen hours in Southern California.
That's an amusing factoid.
Penny
No, no. My point is tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss.
Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count.
Penny
So, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny
Uh, I wouldn't say many. A few. [Sheldon chuckles] What's [imitating chuckle]?
Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few."
Penny
Wha-Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny
Whoa, wait, wait, wait, I did not start dating at 15.
Penny
14.
My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to...193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable. Do you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny
No!
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny
Okay, Sheldon, I think you made your point.
So we multiply 193--minus 21 men before the loss of virginity so--172 * .18 gives us...30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. [To a passing waiter] I'm gonna need a drink over here.
This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny
No! No! [suddenly unsure] No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had?
Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
[Sheldon suggests taking up jogging]
Penny
Have you ever run before?
Certainly! I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens and one particularly persistant P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
You're right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
That's an excellent idea! If we chat it will create the illusion of time going faster!
Penny
No, it won't.
Penny
Alrighty! What's new?
Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as "Shamy", and I don't like that.
Penny
Uh, I got it, but what I was going for was--you know--how's your life?
Like everybody else's: subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
Penny
Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny
You want the fruit platter?
Does it have melon on it?
Penny
Yeah.
Penny
[While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.
Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
There's no switch, just listen and learn.
So anyway to make a long story short, turns out I have an unusually firm cervix.
Penny
You know Amy, when we say girl talk that just doesn't have to be about our lady parts.
[That's a] Shame, cause I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.
Penny
So what do you girls wanna do tonight? Should we go to the club or to the movies?
Or we could just stay here?
Yes, and continue to bond. I have a feeling that after tonight, one of you will become my best friend forever, or BFF if you prefer - which I don't.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
