Penny quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.

Leonard

So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!

Howard

All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.

Penny

Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.

Howard

So there is a number?

Penny

Okay, new topic, please.

Penny

Typical.

Sheldon

It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.

Penny

[referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.

Sheldon

I can’t sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And, given it’s dimensions I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering’s beloved children’s book, The Tall Man From Cornwall.

Penny

What?

Sheldon

There was a tall man from Cornwall whose length exceeded his bed. My body fits on it, but barely upon it, there’s no room for my big Cornish head.

Penny

Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.

Leonard

Glad we cleared that up.

Penny

Yeah.

Leonard

I guess I'll see you.

Penny

OK, have a safe trip.

Leonard

Thank you. Bye.

Penny

Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.

Penny

What did you tell them?

Leonard

Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.

Penny

Fine? You said it was fine?

Leonard

Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?

Penny

It was... okay.

Leonard

Okay?

Penny

Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.

Sheldon

Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

Penny

Are you fun in any of them?

Sheldon

The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.

Howard

Damn, it's my mother.

Bernadette

Are you going answer it?

Howard

I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.

Bernadette

I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.

Howard

Not as crazy as my mother makes me.

Bernadette

Oh, yeah, does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?

Howard

My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Bernadette

Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?

Howard

You live with your mother?

Bernadette

No. That's the sad part.

Howard

Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.

Bernadette

That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.

Howard

Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?

Bernadette

Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]

Howard

Corolla! More wine?

Bernadette

I'd love some!

Howard

Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.

Bernadette

Why?

Howard

Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.

Bernadette

Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.

Howard

It's a date.

Penny

[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?

Penny

Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.

Sheldon

I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

Penny

There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.

Sheldon

Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?

Leonard

Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?

Penny

Oh, my God, would you let this go?!

Stuart

[walking by] I'd let it go.

Leonard

Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.

Penny

Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?

Leonard

Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.

Penny

You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?

Sheldon

I want that one.

Penny

Okay, we'll buy you that one.

Leonard

Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

Penny

Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]

Sheldon

Can I get this comic book too?

Penny

[mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Sheldon

The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.

Penny

No, the light's been on since I bought the car.

Sheldon

All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!

Penny

It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Sheldon

Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!

Sheldon

According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.

Penny

I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon

All right, and how did the accident occur?

Penny

You already know that.

Sheldon

[writing] Cause of accident- lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Kidney disease?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Migraines?

Penny

Getting one.

Sheldon

Are you currently pregnant?

Penny

No.

Sheldon

Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

Penny

Change migraine to 'yes'.

Sheldon

When was your last menstrual period?

Penny

Oh- Next question!

Sheldon

I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioural diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.

Penny

Oh my god! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder!?

Sheldon

[Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

Penny

Ass!

Sheldon

Possible Tourettes.

Howard

I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.

Penny

Different how?

Howard

Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.

Penny

Are you high?

Leonard

You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.

Howard

Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

Sheldon

Why are you crying?

Penny

Because I'm stupid.

Sheldon

Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Sheldon

It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer

Sheldon

Yes Penny.

Penny

Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?"

Sheldon

This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

Penny

2,600 years?

Sheldon

Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?

Penny

I have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon

Can't you hold it?

Penny

Not for 2,600 years...

Sheldon

Alright go then.

Sheldon

[voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

Penny

Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

Bernadette

Why not?

Leonard

That's where Sheldon sits.

Bernadette

He can't sit somewhere else?

Penny

Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

Sheldon

Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

[after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.

Penny

That'll be the Del Taco.

Sheldon

Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?

Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.