Penny quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

[after Zack leaves] You know, for a bunch of guys who claim to have spent a lot of their life being bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.

[after Penny closes the door] What the hell did I do?

Penny

[opening door back up] You laughed. [Raj immediately shuts up]

Zack

[knocking at Penny's door] Babe, open up.

Penny

[inside her apartment] I'm not talking to you.

Zack

Then who are you talking to? Babe?

Sheldon

[dressed as The Flash, rapidly knocking] Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny-- [Penny finally opens the door]

Penny

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Sheldon

I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

Penny

Hey, you guys ready to order?

Sheldon

Since we come in every Tuesday night at 6:00 and order the same exact thing, and it's now…[checks his watch] 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who Let the Dogs Out?" and, uh…"How are they hanging?"

Penny

[writing] Okay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Penny

[about going with the others to a science conference including a spa treatment] Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages!

Sheldon

In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.

Penny

You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat". [leaves]

Amy

That does seem to be a valid principle.

Sheldon

[waves her off] I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Worker's Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.

Amy

I don't believe there's any such thing.

Sheldon

[to Leonard] You lied to me?

Leonard

I found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."

Howard

Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"

[while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.

Leonard

[amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?

Howard

Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.

Penny

Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can't get on.

Leonard

Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"…no spaces.

Penny

[typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?

Leonard

Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight [and] we're reading the reviews.

Penny

Oh, how'd he do?

Howard

Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.

Penny

That bad, huh?

Leonard

[going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.

Penny

[reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."

Penny

[to Howard] Y'know, I think I know how you did the card trick.

Sheldon

Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know. That's axiomatic.

Penny

C'mere. [whispers in Howard's ear]

Howard

You're right.

Penny

Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

Penny

Did you know that last weekend Priya took Leonard rollerblading on the beach? Can you believe that?

Bernadette

I feel like I'm supposed to say “that bitch!”, but I don't have enough information.

Penny

I'm the one who spent two years trying to get him to even go to the beach in the first place. He was so phobic about stepping on medical waste I'd carry him to the water.

Bernadette

I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.

Penny

So what's the thanks that I get for turning Leonard into a quality boyfriend material? I have to tiptoe around his new girlfriend!

Amy

[to Bernadette] I think you're on.

Bernadette

Oh. [To Penny] That bitch!

Penny

Oh, hey, Amy. What's up?

Amy

[quickly] Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word. Gotta go. [leaves]

Penny

Sheldon, have you ever kissed a girl?

Sheldon

Other than my mother, my sister and my mee-maw, no. But in the interest of full disclosure, I was once on a bus and had to give mouth-to-mouth to an elderly nun who passed out from heat exhaustion. Every year I get a Christmas card from her, signed with far too many X's and O's.

Bernadette

That doesn't count! Aren't you even a little curious?

Penny

Yeah, you're a scientist, where is the curiosity?

Amy

I'm available for experimentation [turns towards Sheldon and puckers up]

Sheldon

Thank you, but not necessary. We know everything there is to know about kissing. It requires 34 facial muscles and 112 postural muscles

Amy

Oh blah blah blah. Give me some sugar, bestie. [turns to Penny and kisses her, all three girls start giggling]

Sheldon

I'm certainly glad no one said they were curious about Aztec human sacrifice.

Amy

Hang on. [looks at her phone] It's the wildebeest. Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.

Penny

What the hell did she say?

Amy

She thinks it's cool you're following your dream, no matter what.

Penny

[short pause] That bitch!

Penny

You wanna talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up.

Priya

Oh the poor thing.

Penny

It makes him desperate to please women. That's where the foreplay goes on and on.

Priya

It does, doesn't it.

Penny

It's like he's trying to win a prize. Oh, word of advice, do not doze off, you'll never hear the end of it.

Penny

We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

Sheldon

Thank you for letting me stay here while Leonard skypes with his girlfriend.

Penny

Oh, it's no problem. It's actually kind of funny: You reading, me reading, we're like an old married couple.

Sheldon

If we were an old, married couple the wife would serve iced tea and snicker-doodles.

Penny

I don't have iced tea and snicker-doodles.

Sheldon

A good wife would go to the store.

Penny

I want a divorce.

Sheldon

Good, on your way to see the lawyer pick some tea and cookies.

Sheldon

I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]

Leonard

[long pause] Could you tell us?

Sheldon

Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.

Penny

[points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.

Sheldon

…Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.

Penny

What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?

Sheldon

Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

Leonard

Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.

Sheldon

No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.

Penny

Well, so how much is that?

Sheldon

About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)

Howard

[outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!

Leonard

Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.