Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

The only thing we can do. Watch TV on our phones until the criminals return and bludgeon us to death in our sleep.

S3 E13 The Bozeman Reaction

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Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.

Leonard

So what, it's the same food.

Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.

So?

Yes General Tso.

Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?

So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?

Leonard

It's obviously a typo.

Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.

No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.

It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!

Leonard

Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?

Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.

Sure, no mobsters there.

...

The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.

Leonard

[impatient] Why not?

It's listed under seafood.

S3 E13 The Bozeman Reaction

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Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.

With marbles?

I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?

Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?

I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.

[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?

Leonard

No, that's a crazy thing.

[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?

[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.

Which leads to…?

Impaired cognitive function.

Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!

[in a childish manner] …But I don't wanna go to bed.

[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One…

[exasperated] Oh, all right! [leaves]

Leonard

[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.

I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

S3 E14 The Einstein Approximation

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[bringing Leonard, Howard, and Raj their meals] All right. [to Howard] One bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously. Kudos. [to Raj] Beer-battered fish and chips. Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy. [to Leonard] And for you, factory burrito grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon appétit.

Leonard

Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?

Yes.

Leonard

Double guacamole?

Of course.

Leonard

No cilantro?

Nope.

Leonard

Lettuce shredded, not chopped?

Yep.

Leonard

You understand why I'm doing this to you?

I do.

Leonard

That'll be all. [to Howard and Raj] That was fun.

S3 E14 The Einstein Approximation

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Leonard

[About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one...asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves...oh that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?

Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.

Leonard

No, that's not was I was going to say.

It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.

Leonard

That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?

Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.

Leonard

Actually he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.

I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.

The big boobed weather girl from Channel 2?

That's the one.

Leonard

Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!

In Switzerland or on the big boobed weather girl?

S3 E15 The Large Hadron Collision

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Leonard

[Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.

Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard

Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?

You're right. Judas had the courtesy to hang himself after what he did. OK, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,

Leonard

Rupert Murdoch?

He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

S3 E15 The Large Hadron Collision

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[Sheldon comes in the apartment]

Leonard

Hey, where've you been?

I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.

Sweet?

Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

S3 E16 The Excelsior Acquisition

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Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]

The Wesley Crushers?

No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.

I don't get it.

Leonard

Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.

Still don't get it.

It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.

OK, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.

No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.

If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.

Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!

Wil Wheaton

[enters with his bowling team] Hey look! They named their team after me!

S3 E19 The Wheaton Recurrence

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Leonard

Hey, where've you been?

I was talking with Penny.

What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.

Leonard

No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.

Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

[to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

Which one picks last?

What?

Usually, I'm on the team that picks last…unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

S3 E20 The Spaghetti Catalyst

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Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Leonard

What do you want?

Maybe this isn't a good time.

Leonard

Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.

Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?

Leonard

Alright I'm sorry.

Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

Leonard

What do you want?

You may wanna sit down.

Leonard

I'm in bed!

Point taken. You may wanna sit up.

Leonard

Just tell me what you want!

I've been seeing Penny behind your back.

Leonard

When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?

We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.Well a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.

Leonard

Then why did you have Chinese food with us?

Wolowitz made it very clear who's side I should be on. Clearly the male comrade comes before the woman who will sell her body for money.

Leonard

Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?

Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.

Leonard

Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.

Really?

Leonard

Yeah.

You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.

Leonard

I guess so.

Well as my Meemaw would say, Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon. Oh and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

S3 E20 The Spaghetti Catalyst

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I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.

Leonard

I didn't betray Penny.

Not Penny, me!

Leonard

How am I betraying you?

Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!

[Storms off to his room]

Leonard

Yeah, I guess I did.

S3 E21 The Plimpton Stimulation

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EPElizabeth Plimpton

Do you like role-playing games?

Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.

EElizabeth

Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.

Beg your pardon?

EElizabeth

You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.

[after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?

Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.

We broke up weeks ago.

Why didn't you say anything?

I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.

Leonard

[arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?

Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!

He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.

Leonard

I don't understand.

EElizabeth

[peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.

Good?!

Leonard

Elizabeth, what's going on?

EElizabeth

What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]

Leonard

Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?

Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

S3 E21 The Plimpton Stimulation

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[reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."

Leonard

Does that really need to be in the agreement?

We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.

S3 E22 The Staircase Implementation

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Explain the couch.

Leonard

Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.