Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

[after Leonard refuses to check a message from Stuart, assuming it's about Penny] You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract which is completed by the checking of the message. If that contract breaks down then all social contracts break down and we descend into anarchy!

Leonard

It must be hell inside your head.

Sheldon

[pause] At times.

Howard

You guys are seriously considering this [going to the North Pole with Sheldon]?

Leonard

Yes!

Howard

[incredulous] And you think you can put up with Sheldon?

Well, I'm a Hindu. My religion teaches that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months at the North Pole with Sheldon and I'm reborn as a well-hung billionaire with wings!

Penny

Leonard, I don't know what to tell you; it was just a hug.

Leonard

Glad we cleared that up.

Penny

Yeah.

Leonard

I guess I'll see you.

Penny

OK, have a safe trip.

Leonard

Thank you. Bye.

Penny

Bye. [closes her door and sighs] It means I wish you weren't going.

Sheldon

What are they doing here?

Leonard

We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?

Sheldon

No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Sheldon

Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.

And that is your opinion.

Sheldon

[to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.

[smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Penny

What did you tell them?

Leonard

Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.

Penny

Fine? You said it was fine?

Leonard

Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?

Penny

It was... okay.

Leonard

Okay?

Penny

Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.

Leonard

OK. I see what you're doing.

Sheldon

Really.

Leonard

Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.

Sheldon

Very good! Chocolate? [while offering the box to Leonard]

Leonard

No! [moves away]

Leonard

I've always been a little confused about this -- why don't Hindus eat beef?

We believe cows are gods.

Sheldon

Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.

Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Sheldon

Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.

Leonard

I'm sorry?

Sheldon

Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Leonard

[watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.

Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.

Leonard

Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.

I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Penny

Come on Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.

Sheldon

I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

Penny

There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.

Sheldon

Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?

Leonard

Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?

Penny

Oh, my God, would you let this go?!

Stuart

[walking by] I'd let it go.

Leonard

Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.

Penny

Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?

Leonard

Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.

Penny

You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?

Sheldon

I want that one.

Penny

Okay, we'll buy you that one.

Leonard

Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

Penny

Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]

Sheldon

Can I get this comic book too?

Penny

[mom-like tone and face] Yes you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Howard

I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.

Penny

Different how?

Howard

Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.

Penny

Are you high?

Leonard

You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.

Howard

Okay now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

Penny

Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

Bernadette

Why not?

Leonard

That's where Sheldon sits.

Bernadette

He can't sit somewhere else?

Penny

Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

Sheldon

Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Sheldon

I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.

Leonard

When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.

Sheldon

Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat--a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Leonard

(singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Leonard

What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?

Howard

Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.

Leonard

Do me a favor: lean over and put your head right here [in front of a laser he'd been using to fry action figures].

Howard

Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.

Leonard

What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.

Howard

I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]

Leonard

What is that?

Howard

Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.

Howard

Hey.

Leonard

[handing him a pair of glasses] Laser.

Howard

Had a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but... [puts glasses on] somebody made it to eighth base!

Leonard

The hell is eighth base?

Howard

Seventh base with shirt off. Well... My shirt. How'd things go with Penny?

Leonard

[sarcastically] Oh, yes... Couldn't be better.

Howard

Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?

Leonard

[extinguishing the fire] It's not just Cylons. Superman's next.

Howard

Alright. I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later, when you don't have a high-power weapon.

Leonard

How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?

Howard

Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.

Leonard

And that didn't bother you?

Howard

Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.

Leonard

What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?

Howard

Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.

Leonard

Do me a favor. [points to the area in front of the laser] lean over and put your head right here.

Howard

Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.

Leonard

What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.

Howard

I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]

Leonard

What is that?

Howard

Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.