OK, well, what do you communicate about?
Well, my work in Physics, her work in Neurobiology and, most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
[spits out her beverage and is offered a napkin by Howard's robot] Thank you.
LeonardWait a minute, a child? You never see this girl, you just email and text and twitter, now you're considering having a baby.
Amy pointed out that between the two of us our genetic material has the potential of producing the first, in a line of intellectually, superior, benign overlords, to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
[Leonard is taking Sheldon's MVPD to work in their car]
I don't understand why you're not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we're like Knight Rider.
Leonard
Except, in Knight Rider, the car isn't a yammering sphincter.
You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn't survive. [an image of internal human body anatomy with numerous arrows appears on the MVPD's screen] There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name?
Leonard
I was wrong. This is exactly like Knight Rider.
[After his "breakup" with Amy. Sheldon is replacing her with cats]
Leonard
Okay, fine. Live with cats. Be like my Aunt Nancy. She had dozens of them. And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.
You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard. I'm already a fan.
Well, I would ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words "pie" or "cheesecake", and Leonard is lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard
Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
You want the fruit platter?
Leonard
Does it have melon on it?
Leonard
No, I can't eat melon.
Leonard
That's great news about you and Bernadette [getting back together]!
Yeah, I think I'm going to take her to miniature golf.
Leonard
Oh, well, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me!
Leonard
Yeah, and don't you forget it!
[after Amy proposed for Sheldon to meet her mother] What am I supposed to do?
Leonard
Well, have you considered telling her how you feel?
Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard
All right, well, let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Screwed! [he realizes what he said]
Leonard
There you go.
You know I can't keep a secret!
Leonard
You can if you try. Think about it this way: if I were Batman and you were Alfred, you'd keep that secret, right?
Why do you get to be Batman?
Leonard
Because the Batman has the secret.
Leonard
Like what?
Alfred knows that Barbara Gordon is Batgirl. Which I've now just told to Batman! See, I cannot keep a secret!
'[Sheldon reveals that Leonard betrayed both Raj and Howard's trust by sleeping with Raj's sister, Priya]
[getting up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard
No, no - would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and that she kind of stomped on it?
... How hard did she stomp?
Leonard
Very hard!
Okay, I'm good. [Sits back down]
Raj, I just want to say I'd never betray your trust. Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Leonard
Really? Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
[horrified] DUDE, I PUT THAT THING ON MY FACE!
I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy Snow-cone maker!
That was all a lie!? This year's gifts are already wrapped!
And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
[Leonard looks horrified]
Well, excuse me! That was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting "mothy."
Leonard
YOU PUT MOTHS IN MY FOOD!?!?!?
'Raj": I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth!
Leonard
Well, I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush!
YOU USED MY TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!?!?!??!!?!??!
Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
[Sheldon starts blinking furiously]
[While watching Raiders of the Lost Ark] You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's Thriller video, which I've never watched in its entirety as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. Also it's really scary.
Leonard
Can somebody please turn off the Sheldon commentary track?
There's no switch, just listen and learn.
Leonard
You'll never guess what just happened!
You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard
No.
[Genuinely dissappointed] Aw.
Leonard
Penny kissed me.
Well, who would ever guess that?
Who'd want to become "RatMan"?
Who wouldn't?!?! You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, uh, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound! And the best part of it is, if I were RatMan, you could be my sidekick; "MouseBoy".
You don't like MouseBoy? How about "Kid Vermin"?
First of all, if we were going to have superpowers I would not be the sidekick; YOU'D be the sidekick.
RatMan is nobody's sidekick!
Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
[long pause]
Leonard
Twelve years after high school and I'm still at the nerd table.
[The guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah]
Leonard
[victorious tone of voice] Lesser Warlord of Ka'ah!
Not so fast! Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard
Infinite Sheldon?!
Yes, Infinite Sheldon defeats all other cards, and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard
Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?
No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel: turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
No. I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show; they also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard
They might be smarter than some people. [Sheldon and Raj laugh; Penny is disgusted]
[oblivious] Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
That's easy enough. We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-size treats you find tasty.
[after Leonard kicked Sheldon out of the app team]
All right, I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard
What the hell are bus pants?
They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on. But, perhaps from your lofty heights atop the corporate ladder, you've lost touch with the struggles of the common man.
Leonard
Look, I'm still happy to drive you to work. Nothing's changed in that regard; we're still roommates, we're still friends.
Except you identified me, your best friend, as a gangrenous limb that needed to be severed from the organism and tossed away. A desperate act of a little man with a big Napoleon complex!
Leonard
You know what? Go put on your bus pants.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
