Leonard Hofstadter quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Leonard

Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

Sheldon

No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.

Leonard

You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.

Sheldon

My point.

Leonard

I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?

Penny

[holding up a bottle of Bacardi] Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.

Leonard

[excited] You didn't!?

Penny

Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

Leonard

Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

Sheldon

Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.

The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!

Howard

I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...

Leonard

Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.

Sheldon

No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Penny

So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?

Leonard

No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

Sheldon

I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.

Leonard

What was I supposed to say?

Sheldon

You could have told her the truth.

Leonard

That would have hurt her feelings.

Sheldon

Is that a relevant factor?

Leonard

Yes.

Sheldon

Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.

Leonard

And what would I have said afterwards?

Sheldon

I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.

Leonard

I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."

Sheldon

Why?

Leonard

That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.

Sheldon

I was not aware of that.

Leonard

Now you are.

Sheldon

Oh. All right. Leonard?

Leonard

Yes?

Sheldon

When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Sheldon

I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

Leonard

How?

Sheldon

Simple: If she were to log onto www dot socialphysicsgroup dot org forward slash activities forward slash other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

Sheldon

Checkmate.

Leonard

Argh, again?

Sheldon

Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be more your speed.

Sheldon

At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

Leonard

Thanks for the heads up.

Sheldon

You're welcome. [starts to leave] One more thing.

Leonard

Yes?

Sheldon

It's on, bitch.

Leonard

[about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?

Penny

No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...

Sheldon

Again--time machine.

Penny

Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

Sheldon

It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.

Penny

Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!

Leonard

So, how do you two know each other?

Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.

Leonard

Excuse me?

Sheldon

She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.

That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.

Sheldon

How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

Leonard

My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Penny

That's so silly.

Sheldon

It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.

Penny

What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?

Sheldon

It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Leonard

Thank you.

Howard

Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...

Penny

Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!

Howard

Actually, that was last year...

Sheldon

I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.

Leonard

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.

Penny

I need to use your window.

Leonard

Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Penny

[opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!

Leonard

[as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?

Penny

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]

Sheldon

[after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?

Howard

[going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

Leonard

Penny, are you okay?

Penny

[voice off] I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.

Leonard

Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful--.

Penny

GO AWAY!

Leonard

Okay, feel better, bye. [Goes back to apartment] She doesn’t want to talk.

Sheldon

Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the amygdala, while speech is centered in the much more recently developed neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. [Leonard stares at him] Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.

We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.

Howard

Some of those skinless chicks were hot.

Sheldon

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.

Howard

That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Leonard

It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.

What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?

Leonard

No.

Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?

Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T' in often?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you make fun of trains?

Leonard

I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.

Howard

Well, we all knew this day was coming.

Leonard

That was fast.

Sheldon

It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.

Leonard

Whoa, I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle... [long pause indicating the end of the counting]

Sheldon

Notify the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".