[Sheldon is discussing Leonard's failed relationships with Penny]
SheldonSo what is the "down" and the "low", and don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.
We never got to the bedroom.
Sheldon
Because...?
OK, all right, you know what? I'll tell you what happened. We were young, we were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon
It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?!
Sheldon
Good morning, Dr. Stephanie. I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
Oh come on! Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
Sheldon
I heard you ask it over and over! How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
SStephanie
He did very nicely.
Sheldon See? She's not offended. And now you finally have an answer.
[Penny knocks on the door]
Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Sheldon
Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
[handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Sheldon
Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
Sheldon
[becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon
[gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
Sheldon
[visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Sheldon
[trash talking to Barry Kripke] Kripke. Your robot is inferior and it will be defeated by ours because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Sheldon
Now of course if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony, I withdraw that comment.
What difference does it make, fat is fat!
Sheldon
There are boundaries!
Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon
First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
[deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
[playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
Sheldon
[desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
[smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
Sheldon
[very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
Sheldon
[continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
[to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Sheldon
Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
Sheldon
[about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
BHBeverly Hofstadter
Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon
That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Sheldon
Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
Sheldon
The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Sheldon
Awwww…
[going through a box to find Sheldon's USB] Okay, I've got a box, but there's no key in here. Just letters.
Sheldon
[edgy] That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon
Don't read those letters!
Oh look! She calls you Moon Pie! That is so cute!
Sheldon
PUT DOWN THE LETTERS!
Sheldon
You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
[Upon hearing that Leonard, Wolowitz, and Raj are upstairs in the new girl's apartment]
Sheldon
It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstrably fallacious.
[referring to his earlier impersonation of Admiral Ackbar] OK, now I see the squid head.
Sheldon
Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Sheldon
Are you ill?
Sheldon
All right, then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
When did pick up on that?
Sheldon
A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
