Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Howard

Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinko's and lacing them up in corsets so tight, their bosom jumps out and says "Howdy."

Sheldon

Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the 15th century. If anything, they would have said "huzzah!"

Howard

I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Sheldon

Leonard is upstairs right now with my archenemy.

Penny

Your archenemy?

Sheldon

Yes: the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...

Penny

OK, I get it, I get it...

Sheldon

You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should do a better job of screening those people out.

Leonard

Whoa, I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle... [long pause indicating the end of the counting]

Sheldon

Notify the editors of The Oxford English Dictionary: The word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".

Penny

[whispering] Sheldon!

Penny

[whispering] Sheldon.

Sheldon

[Jerking awake] Danger! Danger!

Penny

Sheldon, it's me.

Sheldon

You're in my bedroom.

Penny

I need your help.

Sheldon

People can't be in my bedroom.

Penny

Well, can we talk in the living room?

Sheldon

I'm not wearing any pajama bottoms.

Penny

Well, why not?

Sheldon

I spilled grape juice.

Penny

Well, can't you put on other pajamas?

Sheldon

I can't put on other pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas! Penny, people aren't supposed to be in my bedroom!

Sheldon

Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work...and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that, too.

Leonard

Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.

Sheldon

Yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.

Leonard

Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?

Sheldon

I did! I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter, I even changed my Facebook status to "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone"! I don't know what else to do!

Leonard

Well, what am I supposed to to?

Sheldon

I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you, I shall become very difficult to live with!

Leonard

You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy, fun-time Sheldon?

Sheldon

Yes.

Leonard

I'll go talk to her!

Sheldon

Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?

No?

Sheldon

Would you like to be?

Uh... Sure, why not?

Leonard

Sheldon -

Sheldon

[silences him] Can I have your phone number?

[looks him up and down] Err... Yeah.

Hello, boys.

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Koothrappali.

Leonard

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Hofstadter.

Sheldon

Dr. Gablehauser.

Dr. Cooper.

Howard

Dr. Gablehauser.

Mr. Wolowitz

Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.

Howard

They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.

Leonard

Not yet.

Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.

Leonard

You just got him this afternoon.

Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.

Leonard

A lackey?

Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.

Sheldon

Now?

Leonard

Almost.

Speaking of untouchables, I've got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.

Howard

Oh, gee, thanks.

Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.

Sheldon

There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)

Leonard

How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?

Sheldon

I don't know, I was on the Pasadena Freeway, missed my exit, flew off the overpass and...one thing led to another.

Leonard

Awwwwww, the pet store…

Sheldon

Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.

Penny

You know, I gotta ask; why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?

Sheldon

I was otherwise engaged.

Penny

Doing what?

Sheldon

Examining perturbative amplitudes in N = 4 Supersymmetric Theories, leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of Multi-loop N = 8 Supergravity using modern Twistor Theory.

Penny

Well, how about when you were 17?

Sheldon

Looking out at your fresh young faces, I remember when I, too, was deciding my academic future as a lowly graduate student. Of course, I was 14, and I had already achieved more than most of you could ever hope to despite my 9:00 bedtime. Now, there may be one or two of you in this room who has what it takes to succeed in theoretical physics, although it's more likely that you'll spend your scientific careers teaching fifth graders how to make papier-mâché volcanoes with baking soda lava.

Leonard

Oh, good God.

Sheldon

In short, anyone who told you that you would someday be able to make some significant contribution to physics played a cruel trick on you, a cruel trick indeed. Any questions? [No one in the classroom says anything] Of course not. I weep for the future of science; now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out. Come, Leonard. [leaves]

Leonard

[referring to his earlier failed experiment] Laser demonstration's looking pretty good now, huh?

Howard

I have "chor" [Klingon for "belly"]

Got it.

Howard

"neHmaH" [Klingon for "neutral zone"]

Yep.

Howard

And "Kreplach".

Hold on a second, "Kreplach"?

Howard

Yeah.

That isn't Klingon, it's Yiddish for a meat-filled dumpling!

Howard

Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.

Leonard

Really? Define it.

Howard

Kreplach: a hearty, Klingon…dumpling.

Judge's ruling?

Sheldon

[makes thumbs-down gesture] bIlughbe' [Klingon for "you are not right"]

Sheldon

Oh, look! Saturn 3 is on.

I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space 9 is better.

Sheldon

How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?

Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.

Leonard

Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.

Sheldon

In what sense is that a compromise?

Leonard

Well, 5 is partway between 3 and…never mind.

I'll tell you what. How about we go 'Rock-Paper-Scissors'?

Sheldon

Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of 'Rock-Paper-Scissors', players familiar with each other will tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock'.

What?

Sheldon

It's very simple. Look -- Scissors cuts Paper, Paper covers Rock. Rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes Scissors, Scissors decapitates Lizard. Lizard eats Paper, Paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, Rock crushes Scissors.

…Okay. I think I got it.

Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock! [both play Spock and groan in frustration]

Sheldon

I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Leonard

Well, I wanna watch it now.

Sheldon

Then I believe we've arrived at another quintissential 'Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock' moment.

Leonard

Watch whatever you want. [gives Sheldon the remote]

I saw what you did there.

Sheldon

[confused] What'd I do?

Sheldon

[knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard! [knock-knock-knock] Leonard!

Leonard

What Sheldon? What Sheldon? What Sheldon?

Sheldon

Tell me what you see here. [points to his laptop screen]

Leonard

The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Sheldon

This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now where it should say "in a relationship", what does it say?

Leonard

Stephanie Barnett is single.

Sheldon

Furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

Leonard

It's just her Facebook page! And we've only been going out a couple of weeks.

Sheldon

You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.

Leonard

OK, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You…are not in this relationship. I…am! Ergo, you have noooo say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.

Sheldon

I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.

Leonard

General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.

Sheldon

Give me one good reason why not.

Leonard

Because this is not Star Trek!