Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Penny

I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...

Sheldon

Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.

Penny

Participate in the what?

Leonard

What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.

Penny

Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Leonard

Excuse me, if I were to give up at the first little hitch I never would have been able to identify the fingerprints of string theory in the aftermath of the big bang.

Sheldon

My apologies. What’s your plan?

Sheldon

It’s just a privilege to watch your mind at work.

Leonard

Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

Sheldon

What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard

Just grab the door!

Leonard

Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.

Sheldon

I hardly think so.

Leonard

Why not?

Sheldon

Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard

We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.

Leonard

I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!

Sheldon

Archimedes would be so proud.

Leonard

Well, do you have any ideas?

Sheldon

Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

Leonard

[in Penny's apartment in the middle of the night] Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?

Sheldon

I just gave you a reasonable explanation.

Leonard

No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!

Sheldon

Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

Howard

Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?

Sheldon

That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?

Howard

Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.

Sheldon

Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

You might be bound by them right now.

Howard

That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?

Sheldon

Of course not.

Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?

Sheldon

Well, no.

Howard

I smell robot.

[in trying to get Sheldon to go apologize to his boss Dr. Gablehauzer] Now listen here, Sheldon, I've been telling you since you were five years old, it's okay to be smarter than everyone else, but you can't go around pointing it out!

Sheldon

Why?

[sternly] Because other people don't like it!! Remember all the ass-kickings you used to get from the neighbor kids? Are you ready? Get your shoes, shirt and let's shove off!

Sheldon

[in a defeated tone of voice] There wouldn't have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death-ray would've worked.

Leonard

Here comes our new boss. Be polite.

[approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.

Howard

[shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.

Howard. Nice to meet you. [turning to Sheldon] And you are?

Sheldon

[shaking hands] An actual real scientist. [turning to Leonard] How was that?

Leonard

What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?

Sheldon

Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"

Leonard

If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."

Sheldon

You're a lucky man, Leonard.

Leonard

How so?

Sheldon

You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.

Leonard

Well, what do you think?

Sheldon

I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

So what are you, a zebra?

Sheldon

[to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

Leonard

[seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?

Sheldon

Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.

Leonard

Penny's still sleeping.

Sheldon

Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6:15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…

Leonard

You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?

Sheldon

Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

Leonard

Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.

Sheldon

No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.

Leonard

You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.

Sheldon

My point.

Sheldon

I'll have a Diet Coke.

Penny

OK, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.

Sheldon

Fine, I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.

Penny

That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.

Sheldon

Yes.

Penny

So, Coke.

Sheldon

Yes. And would you make it Diet?

Penny

[sighs] There's a can in the fridge.

Sheldon

A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.

Penny

Then swim to Cuba.

Sheldon

Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

Leonard

Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?

Sheldon

Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.

The only thing missing from that insult was yo mama!

Howard

I got one. Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...

Leonard

Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.

Sheldon

No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

Sheldon

I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.

Leonard

What was I supposed to say?

Sheldon

You could have told her the truth.

Leonard

That would have hurt her feelings.

Sheldon

Is that a relevant factor?

Leonard

Yes.

Sheldon

Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.

Leonard

And what would I have said afterwards?

Sheldon

I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.

Leonard

I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."

Sheldon

Why?

Leonard

That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.

Sheldon

I was not aware of that.

Leonard

Now you are.

Sheldon

Oh. All right. Leonard?

Leonard

Yes?

Sheldon

When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

Sheldon

I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.

Leonard

How?

Sheldon

Simple: If she were to log onto www dot socialphysicsgroup dot org forward slash activities forward slash other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.