Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

Checkmate.

Leonard

Argh, again?

Sheldon

Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be more your speed.

Sheldon

Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"

Penny

What does that mean?

Sheldon

Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

Sheldon

15 years old--Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to--you know--that other guy.

Howard

Antonio Salieri.

Sheldon

Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

Sheldon

At this point I should inform you that I intend to form my own team, and destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particulate chaos to tears.

Leonard

Thanks for the heads up.

Sheldon

You're welcome. [starts to leave] One more thing.

Leonard

Yes?

Sheldon

It's on, bitch.

Hello, Sheldon.

Sheldon

[looks terrified] Leslie Winkle!

Yeah, Leslie Winkle! The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?".

Sheldon

Yes, well, I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.

[sarcastically] Ooooh...ouch.

Leonard

[about the time machine] The lights flash, and the dish spins. You wanna try it?

Penny

No, I don't wanna try it! My God, you are grown men! How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes, and comic books, and-and... now that-that...

Sheldon

Again--time machine.

Penny

Oh, please, that's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

Sheldon

It only moves in time. It would be less than worthless in a swamp.

Penny

Pathetic! ALL of you, COMPLETELY pathetic!

Penny

What the hell's going on?

Sheldon

[Pointing his plastic sword at her accusingly] You hypocrite!

Penny

What?

Sheldon

Little miss "Grown-ups don't play with toys." [gestures behind her] If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts? [Bends to mockingly address the character] Hello, Hello Kitty!

Leonard

So, how do you two know each other?

Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.

Leonard

Excuse me?

Sheldon

She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.

That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.

Sheldon

How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A 'humormometer'?

Sheldon

OK, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. [Puts his hand out for her to shake]

Come on Shelly. [Gives him a hug, which Sheldon does as well.]

I want you to know I'm very proud of you.

Sheldon

Really?

Yep. I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother, the Rocket Scientist.

Sheldon

You tell people I'm a Rocket Scientist?!

Well yeah.

Sheldon

I'm a theoretical physicist.

What's the difference?

Sheldon

What's the difference?!

Goodbye, Shelly.

Sheldon

My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge! Rocket Scientist, how humiliating!

Leonard

My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and my being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Penny

That's so silly.

Sheldon

It's actually based on very sound theories; his mother published a paper on it.

Penny

What was it called, I Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake?

Sheldon

It was obviously very effective. Leonard grew up to become an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Leonard

Thank you.

Howard

Well, I love birthdays: waking up to mom's special French Toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends...

Penny

Yeah! See? That's what kids should have!

Howard

Actually, that was last year...

Sheldon

I believe the Szechuan Palace has been passing off Orange Chicken as Tangerine Chicken, and I intend to confront them.

Leonard

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about what they're passing off as chicken.

Penny

I need to use your window.

Leonard

Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Penny

[opening the window and throwing the iPod out of it] Hey, jerkface! You forgot your iPod!

Leonard

[as Penny closes the window and starts to leave] What's going on?

Penny

Oh, I'll tell you what's going on: that stupid, self-centered bastard [her ex-boyfriend] wrote about our sex life in his blog! [going back to the window and reopening it] Drop dead, you stupid, self-centered bastard! [closing the window] Thank you. [leaves]

Sheldon

[after a short pause, wanting to go back to the Mandarin lessons] Okay, where were we?

Howard

[going to the computer] Not now. I have a blog to find.

Penny

Sorry, Sheldon. Do you have a second?

Sheldon

A second what? Pair of underwear?

Leonard

Penny, are you okay?

Penny

[voice off] I’m fine, Leonard, just go away.

Leonard

Look, I understand that breaking up with someone can be very painful--.

Penny

GO AWAY!

Leonard

Okay, feel better, bye. [Goes back to apartment] She doesn’t want to talk.

Sheldon

Not surprising. Penny’s emotional responses originate from the primitive portion of the brain known as the amygdala, while speech is centered in the much more recently developed neocortex. The former can easily overpower the latter giving scientific credence to the notion of being rendered speechless. [Leonard stares at him] Or maybe she just doesn’t want to talk.

Penny

Has Leonard ever dated any regular girls?

Sheldon

Well, I assume that you're not talking about digestive regularity, because I've come to learn that such inquiries are inappropriate.

Penny

No, I mean has he ever dated someone who wasn't a brainiac?

Sheldon

Oh, well there was this one girl who had a PhD in French Literature.

Penny

How is that not a brainiac?

Sheldon

Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

We just got back from that exhibit of those plasticized cadavers.

Howard

Some of those skinless chicks were hot.

Sheldon

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to pack.

Howard

That's kind of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Leonard

It's not you, Howard. He says he's moving out.

What did you do? Did you change the contrast or brightness settings on the television?

Leonard

No.

Did you take a Band-Aid off in front of him?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you buy generic ketchup? Forget to rinse the sink? Talk to him through the bathroom door?

Adjust the thermostat? Cook with cilantro? Pronounce the ‘T' in often?

Leonard

No.

Howard

Did you make fun of trains?

Leonard

I didn't do anything, he's just gone insane.

Howard

Well, we all knew this day was coming.

Leonard

That was fast.

Sheldon

It's my pre-packed disaster evacuation bag. It's recommended by the Department of Homeland Security. And Sarah Connor.