That '70s Show · Season 4
[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]
Call it a tie!
A tie? We had all the money!
We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.
[The guys are at the Hub looking through their school yearbook]
Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string. Just as limber, but with somethin' to prove.
How about her?
Yeah, I made out with her once.
Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then. [laughs; Eric hits him] I was kidding!
My brother's not that bad, okay? He taught us lot of good, useful stuff about chicks; like, the bigger the boobs, the smaller the brain. That's a timeless truth.
[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Big day at the office?
Yeah, I worked a double shift.
[Kitty finds out Red was high when he said "I love you" to Eric]
Red, you big old softie! Did anything special happen yesterday? Between you and Eric?
Special? Well, let's see... The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.
Oh, no. Oh my God! You don't remember what you said to Eric?!
Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.
[Eric walks in]
Alright, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so...
Wait, Eric...
Mom, please. Dad, I...
[in slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!
...love you.
[Kitty turns to a shocked Red]
Go to your room!
[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]
Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.
[sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.
Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...
No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?
I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...
Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.
B-But.
OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.
Todd, what are you doing here?
I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?
Yeah, I think so.
Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.
You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.
[Red sees Leo at the door of the Forman house. Knowing that Leo likes Kitty, he is not pleased to see him]
Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!
[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
No way!
Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
My lips are sealed.
Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
Your secret's safe with me.
You guys are not gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me...with the CHEESE GUY!
...[pretends to be shocked] No!
Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.
Thank God all she did was kiss him.
Yeah. Wait... How do you know all she did was kiss him?
Kiss? Nah, I didn't say kiss. Don't make fun of my accent!
That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella. Or I'd kick his ass. Just, BOOM! RIGHT IN THE ASS!
[Flashback to 1968]
Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.
Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.
Okay, Steven.
And it's Hyde.
Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?
That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.
[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]
Well, now, who do we have here?
This is Hyde.
Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!
I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.
Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!
Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]
I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]
If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]
[Returns to the present]
Now I have to kill you.
[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]
Oops, sorry!
[covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!
Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!
[grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]
They're beautiful...[collapses]
[Red is doused with oatmeal because of a botched prank on Kelso]
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!
[Red serves Kitty's lasagna to Eric, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez]
[enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.
[The guys try to pull a prank on Kelso that ends up backfiring]
Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!
What?
Eric, I need you to take out the–
[A bucket of oatmeal dunks on Red’s head as he walks through the side door]
What the hell is this?!
Eric did it because he hates you!
Hyde!
Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!
Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]
Guys... who’s Harry Truman?
He invented electricity, dumbass.
[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]
Um, you wanted to see me?
Did you take my car out last night?
No.
I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.
A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.
Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.
I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?
Start her up.
Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.
For a month! Why did you do it?
To impress this cheerleader.
No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?
Well, can I have the car again?
Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.
[calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.
You know what? Let's just call it a month.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
