Red: Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red: Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?
Kitty: Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.
Red: Eric, we're waiting!
Eric: Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.
Red: Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

Red: I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

Red: Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!
Kitty: Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Red: Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Eric: See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

Red: So, how's your friend Janice?
Laurie: Pregnant.
Kitty: Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?
Eric: Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...
Red: Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!
Laurie: It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Ricky: Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?
Eric: Well, I'm a real people person.
Hyde: I don't answer stupid questions.
Fez: I speak Dutch.
Kelso: My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Eric: Fatso Burger.
Fez: Covered in gold chains.
Kelso: Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.
Hyde: Prison.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]
Red: Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]
Eric: Donna, I hate dancing.
Donna: Why did you go?
Eric: I like you.
Donna: So... you're in like with me?

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]
Hyde: Hey Donna, you wanna talk?
Kelso: I guess she didn't take it well.
Red: Take what well? [looks at Kelso]
Kelso: [smiles] Eric made out with Kate.
Red: Anything else?
Fez: Your son is a whore!

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
Red: The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Bob: Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
Red: [exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Bob: Yeah.
Red: Where is he gonna get a banjo?
Bob: I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Red: Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
Bob: You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

[Hyde walks into the basement.]
Hyde: Forman. Let's go get wasted.
[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]
Donna: [exasperated] Great!
Eric: See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
Hyde: [frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]
Gus: Well, hello there!
Kelso: Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?
Gus: Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!
Kelso: Wow, that's lucky!
Gus: So, did it hurt?
Kelso: What?
Gus: When you fell down from heaven!
Kelso: No, I'm fine!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
Red: We don't think that you should go.
Kitty: New York is a dangerous place.
Red: A young man today needs a high school diploma.
Kitty: In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Red: Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
Kitty: The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Red: Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
Kitty: They spit. That's right, they spit!
Red: What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
Hyde: I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Red: Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.