[sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.
S1 E14Stolen Car
Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
See, when you say it, it just sounds weird
[The guys argue over who they should call to get them out of jail]
I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.
I... uh, don't know my phone number.
I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.
No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?
S1 E15That Wrestling Show
I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.
[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]
I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.
MManager
[cuts off Red] No, no autographs.
Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.
MManager
Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.
RJRocky Johnson
You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!
Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.
No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.
Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.
No, it's not.
Stop kidding around, Red.
[At the encounter group, when the leader asks people to share their real thoughts]
Laurie, you're mean to your brother and you're screwing around at college. We don't even see you unless you run out of clean clothes or need cash. The fact is, you're an ungrateful, spoiled brat.
S1 E16The First Date
Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.
Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.
Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.
[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]
I can't believe you, Michael.
What?
You can't just maul me in front of my father!
I bet he didn't even notice.
He yelled at you to stop it.
I thought he was yelling at you.
Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.
The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.
Kelso, man... Women are like muffins, okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin! And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.
Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?
I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.
Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
No such thing as too much, Fez.
S1 E17The Pill
I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, me too.
Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.
Okay then well, good luck with that.
Sorry I was late. We were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...
Blah-blah-blah. You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.
[very angrily] That's real easy for you to say, pal! [leaves]
That kid's on dope.
[Eric, Bob and Laurie are at a pharmacy. Bob is picking up some medication for his daughter Donna.]
PPharmacist
[reading package] "Pinciotti, Donna. OrthoNovum."
...Ortho-what?
PPharmacist
OrthoNovum. Birth control pills.
[Upon hearing this, Eric tenses up, looks back in terror at an incensed Bob, then panickingly bolts out of the pharmacy. Bob then looks at the camera with his hands on his cheeks and his mouth agape.]
S1 E18Career Day
So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?
Um, not touch dead people. Ever.
Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.