Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?
Anyone with a quarter?
NO, ME!
Damn, and I had a quarter.
S1 E19Prom Night
Well, I have a date too.
Who is he? What's his name?
His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.
Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!
S1 E20A New Hope
I'm so excited about Star Whores.
Fez man, it's Star Wars.
Screw that.
Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.
Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.
[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]
The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.
Oh, and hit him with a banjo.
[exasperated] A banjo, Bob?
Yeah.
Where is he gonna get a banjo?
I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!
Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.
You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.
S1 E21Water Tower
Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!
This is the proudest moment of my life.
It doesn't look like a pot leaf.
What?
It looks like a hand giving the finger.
It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.
Get up and make it better!
Fine!
[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]
Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]
[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]
Hey, Kelso!
[weakly] Yeah?
How's it look from down there?!
It looks like it's giving me the finger!
Are you on dope? Are you?
Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization--
My foot kicking your ass.
[Eric is approaching his parents bedroom. Music can be faintly heard through their door. He opens it, but freezes in shock to see his parents in the throes of sexual intercourse. We only see Eric's face. He is horrified.]
Oh~! Red~!
Oh, Kitty~!
[As they continue, Eric quietly closes the door and sheepishly walks away. We see him quickly heading down the stairs where his friends are.]
[sheepishly] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's... go now.
Where's your mom?
[grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!
S1 E22Punk Chick
Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!
[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]
We don't think that you should go.
New York is a dangerous place.
A young man today needs a high school diploma.
In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.
Do you have any idea what the job market is like?
The people are rude. And you have feelings.
Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.
They spit. That's right, they spit!
What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?
I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!
Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.
[to Hyde] Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?!
Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!
Yeah, it is fun, man. And I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys... but Chrissy’s cool. And it’s the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed’s in the phone book? ‘Cause I’d bet he’d really like me.
[chuckles] Lou Reed. Where are you goin’? Who’s Chrissy?
[to Hyde] It’s not so bad here, man. We got the TV, and... peanut butter. [holds up a paddle with no ball] And I got this thing... The ball part rolled under the dryer.
Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then, I threw up on that cop.
[laughs] That was a good time, man.
Wait a minute. Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What’s the ball doing under the dryer?!
S1 E23Grandma's Dead
I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.
Have you talked to Red about this?
I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!
[Hyde walks into the basement.]
Forman. Let's go get wasted.
[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]
[exasperated] Great!
See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.
[frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.
Eric is driving his Grandmother home.
GGrandma
You don't like it when I come to visit.
Yes I do, I really do.
GGrandma
You're a filthy liar! You didn't learn to lie from my Red; that came from your mother!
Well, y'see Grandma, that's the problem right there, okay? Every time you come to my house, you spend the whole day criticizing my mom.
GGrandma
Well, I tell it like it is.
Okay Grandma, then here's how it is: you're very nasty! And I–I don't see why you have to be so hateful. I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you!
As Eric finishes saying this, she promptly leans over onto Eric with her eyes closed.
Grandma?
[Eric hits the brakes. The momentum throws Grandma off of him and on to the passenger side dashboard. She doesn't move.]
Grandma?
[After a few seconds, Eric realizes she just died]
Oh! OH, GOD!
[Eric quickly opens the driver side door and leaves the car]
[Hyde has been helping Eric and Red go through boxes of Grandma's belongings, and has found old photography supplies. Red explains that his father had been an amateur photographer.]
Hey, Forman. Got any naked pictures of your grandma?
[shocked and angry] NO!
[laughing maniacally, hands him the box] Well, you do now!!
S1 E24Hyde Moves In
Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.