TV show quotes
[Kitty's not happy that Red, Eric, Hyde and Kelso joined the church fundraiser and rigged all the games]
Oh wonderful, I started out in God's magic circle and ended up in Satan's evil square. I can't believe any of you would walk into church without bursting into flames.
[notices Bob in his driveway] Need something, Bob?
Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
I wouldn't to be quite honest.
It's free!
Take off your pants.
All right!
No! So I can see your tattoo!
I knew that. I think you're really gonna like it. Just don't be mad if it says... "Debbie." [pulls down his pants and shows his tattoo]
Woodstock.
It says "Woodstock"?
No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock! [laughs] You have a little yellow bird on your ass!
What are you doing in Canada?
What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
Me no speakas English.
What's your business in Canada?
What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
We're... getting beer.
Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
Me no understando.
What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
What's your re-
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Been there.
Done that.
Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
Wee foobie...
Dibbie doobie...
Now, Leave Canada Please.
[The boys and Leo walk out, with Leo doing one last retort]
You Leave Canada Please.
[Fez shows off Ted Nugent shirts he printed for 50 dollars but is curious to why he got called out by Hyde for printing TAD NUGENT]
Because the shirt says Tad.
Exactly!
But the A should be an E!
Well, that's not how you spell Tad.
No, that's how you spell Ted.
[realizing his mistake] Ooohhh...
[gets shirt from Fez and dumps it in the bag] These shirts are useless, now Forman's out 50 bucks!
A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off.
[At the Forman house garage, Eric and Donna talk about their relationship, which has taken a bad turn.]
If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together.
No. The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together and then...being together.
Eric come on, we're together now. Isn't that enough?
NO! I mean [walks away then faces Donna] I mean, DAMN Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't, like, break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we're doing here and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
[after short pause] Are you breaking up with me?
Are you giving back that ring?
Yes.
Then, yes. [Donna leaves ring on hood.]
[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]
Ow!
Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.
Brother? What the hell?
Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.
Now, son, what do we call Eric?
Dumbass!
There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]
[at the Point Place 1988 high-school reunion]
[hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?
Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.
I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.
No, seriously, you had Donna?
Look, we broke up. You're much better off.
Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]
Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]
So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?
Alright, listen closely: NO!
[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]
Hey.
'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?
Well, what do you have to say to me?
Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'
I'm not wrong!
You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]
Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!
[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]
There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.
We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?
Yes, we do.
It's just... hurts.
Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.
Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.
Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.
[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]
[paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
Okay.
What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.
Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!
[The guys listen to Eric rant about Donna "taking over" his basement]
And then she just comes down into the basement like it's no big deal! And after what happened? And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine? You don't love me, you don't get my couch! Or my friends! I'm a packaged deal, baby! So I just told her, "Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red!" Because this ain't happening! I'm not having it!
[sighs] Okay, Forman... We were all there, and that ain't how it happened. Wanna talk about it some more?
Mmmm... no.
[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]
Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.
Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?
[cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.
Oh God.
[walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
