[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]
I don't wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.
Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?
Uh...sure! [Realizes what he's doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I'm serious. We're over.
Wow. I think you really mean it.
[sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you're free! You know what I'd like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.
Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]
JackieMichael!
[lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...
Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]
[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Jackie
Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.
[Hyde scans pictures of Jackie's yearbook copy when he sees something]
Oh my God, someone in the crowd is mooning! [gang rushes to see it.] You're all cheering away and all the time you're getting mooned, yeah!
Oh, my God, that's a girl butt. There's girl butt in the yearbook. Oh man, I can't tell who it is, I wish we had a magnifying glass.
[whips out a magnifying glass] Here you go. [Gang looks back at him.] I was just playing with some bugs.
Jackie
God, I can't believe it, someone's nasty butt is in my picture.
Oh my God, that's not girl butt...that's Donna's butt! [Kelso, Hyde and Fez look at a pleased Donna, and then at her butt]
[Fez and Jackie await the results of the Roller Disco competition with Donna and Kelso, who is not pleased]
AAnnouncer
And the winner of Kenosha's Annual Roller Disco Doo-dah is...Jackie Burkhart and...
DJDonna and Jackie
Oh, my God! [Jackie hugs Fez]
Jackie
I can't believe it! I'm so sorry I doubted you. You...You are my hero...My...my hunky, sexy, foreign skating hero!
And you are my...my spoiled, whiny skating princess.
Jackie
Oh, Fez, thank you! [a tournament assistant gives them champagne] Yaaaay, champagne! Yaaay!
Yaaaay! Yaaay! [rubs Jackie's back]
Jackie
[Shakes off Kelso] Get off me. Kelso, you booed us the entire time.
What? No! That was some rude guy. So I popped him one, and then I was goin', "Ooh," because I hurt my hand when I popped the rude guy. So... you're welcome. You wanna kiss it?
Jackie
Let's go, Fez [they leave]
Hmm. Come on, Kelso. Look at the bright side.
The bright side is there isn't one. Fez has Jackie, and you have to squeeze out that marble.
[Since Jackie crashed Kelso's van, Kelso demands an accounting of all expenses incurred during their relationship. Hyde writes down the expenses.]
All right. All right. Jackie... in your opinion, what are the goods and services that Kelso owes you for?
Jackie
Everything. He was a total doofus before I met him. In fact, I bought you that belt. So hand it over. And the shirt too.
Fine. You know, this shirt has bad memories of you buying me stuff anyway [starts to take off his shirt]
Here. Let me do the math. Okay. Now, Kelso...Uh, Kelso owes Jackie the price for breaking her beautiful heart... and stealing her innocence. Now, Kelso, what do you believe Jackie owes you?
Well- Uh-W- One time I told her that she looked pretty when really she looked pretty skanky. And...and....Hyde, help me out here.
Okay. Let me think. Oh. Don't forget he burned your house.
Dude, you burned her house.
My heart aches with pain. [Jackie smiles]
When I see you, I vomit. [Jackie's smile drops, looking stunned]
Die away from me.
[enjoying herself from the couch] Ouch!
Sayonara. [goes to basement room]
Jackie
[stunned] Donna....never have 17 syllables hurt me so much. Why would he want to hurt me like that?
Because you're stalking him, Jackie.
Jackie
No, really, Donna!
[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]
I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]
[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!
[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]
[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]
Jackie
Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!
[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]
Who... cares? I'm losing my van!
Jackie
See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.
Jackie... Are you losing your van?
Jackie
No!
Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.
See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
Oh. You don't have to tell me.
[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.
Jackie
[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]
Jackie
Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
Jackie
Oh, my God. I'm a thief.
I think technically you're an accessory.
Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
Jackie
Shut up!
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Jackie
Me, neither.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies, they start feeling uncomfortable]
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Jackie
Me, neither.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from her shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax!
[The gang, minus Eric and Donna, are shocked]
We so did. And maybe you'll think twice before screwing us. [tosses the box at Kelso as he catches it]
Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any– [suddenly he has to go to the bathroom] OH!
[The same starts happening to Jackie, Fez and Kelso]
Jackie
Ugh!
[The four of them all run up the stairs and they're squirming their way up. Fez can't get up the stairs]
[Fez tries to leave through the other door when his girlfriend, Caroline, runs inside]
CCaroline
I know. You're surprised to see me, right? And upset.
Yes, many things are upset!
[Fez starts anxiously fidgeting and jumping around]
CCaroline
Will you listen, Fez? About last night, I know you were angry.
CCaroline
And you had every right to be! But you know what this was? Our first fight!
CCaroline
And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.
Fine! Move away from the door!
CCaroline
So, we're okay? [Fez just groans] Good! Now, let's make up like a real couple.
[She closes her eyes and goes in for the kiss. Fez slowly turns to look at Eric and Donna]
YOU BASTARDS! [shoves Caroline and runs outside]
[Later, Kelso walks back downstairs to the basement after using the bathroom]
Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt...
Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, I did. [takes another "special" brownie and eats it] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again!
[Donna just told Jackie what Eric tried to do during their last 'session']
Jackie
He did? What the heck for?
I don't know. In what universe is that sexy?
Jackie
Only one... the skinny, pervert universe.
It was just so strange. I mean, usually he just sticks to, like, two or three key moves.
Jackie
You know, I bet it's because of that nudie flick they saw yesterday.
They went to an X-rated movie?
Jackie
Didn't Eric tell you?
No. God, why would Eric go see something like that? I mean, is our sex life so boring that he has to sneak around and watch other people do it?
Jackie
Donna, of course it is. It's okay.
[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]
[paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?
What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.
So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.
Jackie
Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.
No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
