Jackie Burkhart quotes from That '70s Show

Jackie

Ugly, fat, whorey, old, whorey, old, four-eyes, ugly, fat.

Kelso

Oh, this one's kinda cute. [Jackie hits him] AH! I mean, for a fatty. [Jackie hits him again...] AH! I mean for a... whore? [...and again] AHH! Damn, Jackie! What do you want me to say?!

Eric

You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Hyde

Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.

Kelso

That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.

Hyde

Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]

Eric

That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Jackie

Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

Eric

What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Hyde

Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

Kelso

[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.

Jackie

Rhonda? How did you get in?

I used my key.

Jackie

Michael, why don't I got a key?

Kelso

Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

Jackie

Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.

Donna

I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.

Jackie

Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?

Donna

Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Jackie

[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.

Hyde

Big day at the office?

Kelso

Yeah, I worked a double shift.

Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.

Kelso

[sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.

Jackie

Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...

Kelso

No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?

Jackie

I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...

Kelso

Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.

Jackie

B-But.

OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.

Jackie

Todd, what are you doing here?

I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?

Jackie

Yeah, I think so.

Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.

Jackie

You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

Jackie

Michael...

Kelso

[groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?

Jackie

Yes, you are.

Kelso

Are we gonna do it?

Jackie

Yes, we are.

Kelso

Cool. Where's Donna?

Jackie

WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]

Kelso

When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

Jackie

We do, too.

Jackie

Because I don't want to do it right now.

Kelso

I do. Point made. Thank you!

Kelso

Guess what? I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

Jackie

Behind the gym?

Kelso

And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway... Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you tater yots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

Jackie

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Kelso

Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Jackie

Michael, what are you saying?

Kelso

I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad about myself! And... And... I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

Jackie

Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

Kelso

No. [leaves]

Jackie

Wait, but Michael!

Kitty

Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Hyde

No, it's not what you think. We're not together.

Kitty

Then what's going on in my kitchen?

Jackie

Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]

Hyde

Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]

Donna

What the hell!

Jackie

Oh, my God.

Eric

I'm blind!

Jackie

Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde

[to Donna] Great outfit.

Jackie

So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric

You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna

You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

Jackie

You know what? Maybe I do have feelings for Michael. But what am I supposed to do, he was my first boyfriend! And you know what, you're going to have to learn to deal with it, and if you can't, and you're going to have to break up with me because of that, then I can't stop you. But I think it's a real waste because I love you!

Hyde

...I'm not saying it back!

Jackie

See, I think it's stupid that Eric and Donna need to practice being married. I mean, it's simple. The woman just needs to be a cook in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and an acrobat in the bedroom. And I can hire a cook and a maid.

Hyde

I'm liking you more and more.

Jackie

No way, Fez I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.

Eric

Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

Fez

No, this is the real thing.

Kelso

I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.

Eric

Alive?

Kelso

No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

Hyde

[laughs] Can't close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin' to freak me out. Leo's the best.

Kelso

Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin' son of a bitch!

Jackie

You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn't Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I'll never forget that.

Fez

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I'll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde

So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]