[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
KelsoHey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
SSSuzy Simpson
You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso
Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
SSuzy
Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso
Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
SSuzy
We back up our own.
KSKelso and Suzy
Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
Kelso
Eric, I can’t believe you knocked up a girl, too! I mean, you lose points for not doing it in a public place, but hey! Give me five!
Kelso, I don’t really think this is a “give me five” moment, okay? I am really freaked out! ...Well, right now I’m not so much freaked out as starving, and... fascinated by your nose!
Kelso
Yeah, it’s perfect. You’d be amazed at what I can fit up in there. But the important thing is that you have responsibilities now, so you gotta step up like I did.
Look, if you mean you stepped up on a urinal to climb out of a window to get away from the girl you got pregnant... Then, yeah, you stepped up.
[notices Fez’s absence in the circle] Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you really must have pissed him off. He hasn’t stayed away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
Kelso
Yeah, Fez still isn't talking to me. But I think he's calling, 'cause every once in a while, I pick up the phone and all I hear is breathing, and the crinkle of a candy being unwrapped.
Man, we are sitting in the circle talking about relationships! What happened to us?! This stash must be from California.
[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
Kelso
It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso
Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso
Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso
So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso
One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
[Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the police academy. Officer Kennedy sees the trio]
KOfficer Kennedy
Cadet Mike.
Kelso
Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
KKennedy
Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
KKennedy
Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso
No, sir. Not at all, sir.
KKennedy
Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso
He's a good man.
All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
[Everyone plays Truth or Dare against each other in pairs; Donna is with Eric, Kelso is with Fez, and Hyde is with Jackie, leaving Mitch by himself]
Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.
Kelso
Uh... truth.
Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
Kelso
...I mean, dare.
You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.
Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!
Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!
Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."
[Mitch gets up and kisses Donna in front of Eric]
Kelso
Oh, he did it!
Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!
[Kelso pretends to interrogate Eric]
Kelso
Alright, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
[Kelso takes Eric's X-Wing model and smashes it against the table]
Kelso
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
I came home from the restaurant, and spent six hours building that model!
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Kelso
Ooh.
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
Kelso
Donna, I'm asking the question here. Was that the girl from the movies?
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Kelso
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Kelso
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Kelso, will you shut up?!
Kelso
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?!
[pushes Kelso's face away] Look, Donna maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Wait. You got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
So the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Kelso
Donna, I'm the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
No! You know, I mean... it was the movies, you know. It's... it's all make-believe.
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: Anger at your scrawny ass!
Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one: Donna having sex with Eric.
Kelso
[to Eric] You have the right to remain BUUURRRRRNNN!
[Kelso and Hyde make fun of Eric and Donna making up]
You know, I never stopped loving you.
Kelso
Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]
[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of Mt.Hump. Kelso is sitting in a canoe.]
Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso
[holds up paddle] Duh.
Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso
Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso
Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Kelso
The old helmet gag.
Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
HFHyde and Fez
One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso
Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez do another attempt at canoe riding]
Kelso
We'll get a running start. And then, I'll jump in and zoom down the hill like the bobsledders do.
And then, because this is a canoe on dirt and gravel instead of a bobsled on ice, bad things are gonna happen to you.
Kelso
This is why I'm a legend, Fez.
Alright, Kelso. [picks up the Stupid Helmet] This time you're wearing a helmet.
Kelso
Thanks, Hyde, but I think I'm not gonna put on a helmet with a bunch of worms and stuff crammed inside.
Kelso
Well, now it's not, 'cause I didn't fall for it!
It finally happened. I've become the boy who cried helmet.
Kelso
Okay, on three. ...Go!
[Kelso, Hyde and Fez start pushing the canoe downhill. Kelso lets go and runs downhill]
Kelso
WOOHOO! [jumps; lands with a thud] Holy crap! Did you see me bounce off of that tree?!
Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
Kelso
No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso
Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
So who's gonna be your best man?
Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso
All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso
Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.
[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]
Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
He said he's really sorry.
He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Kelso
Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?
[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso
Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
[enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
And you brought me flowers?
No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
[Midge returns]
Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso
You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
[enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
[walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
I came to see Donna. Who's the amazon?
Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
PPam
"Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Your mom is staying with us?
No, your mom is staying with us.
Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
