Michael Kelso quotes from That '70s Show

Jackie

Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.

Fez

Is it Donna's engagement ring?

Jackie

No. No it's too big for that.

Hyde

Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.

Eric

Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]

Kelso

Burn!

Donna

I didn't say anything!

Kelso

Then say something.

Donna

It could've been bigger.

Kelso

BURN!

Kelso

I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.

Donna

Um, that's not how evolution works.

Kelso

Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.

Hyde

Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.

Kelso

How could I lose a girl to you? You don't even speak English!

Fez

Well, Kelso, look at the bright side. Danielle is a wonderful girl who likes me better than you.

Kelso

Why is that the bright side?

Fez

Because, BUUUUUUUUURN!

Hyde

Angie totally set me up, man. I should've seen this coming when I found out she was a math major. Those girls are always bitches!

Kelso

You know what your problem is, Hyde? I'm too good looking.

Eric

Hey, guys. Just to jump off topic here for a sec… When you’re dancing to… say, like, Donna Summer, do you ever wish you were on wheels?

Hyde

Forman, so many parts of what you just said make me want to kick your ass.

Kelso

Eric, you know what your problem is? I’m too good-looking.

Hyde

Okay, here’s the situation. Thanksgiving Night, everything’s closed. We need to find a hundred record bins by midnight. It’s the same damn thing every year.

Jackie

Wait, I have a question. …How does hair know to grow? And how far inside your head does it go? Does it touch your brain?

Hyde

Okay, I think we need to get Jerry Garcia here some coffee.

Fez

Let the girl rap. I will sing to it! What do you think about my head?

Kelso

The Head, that’s the name! I saved the day!

Donna

You know what would be perfect for the records? Those boxes that milk bottles come in. They’re like crates… or crepes. Crepes! How good are crepes?!

Hyde

That’ll work, man. We need, like, fifty empty milk crates.

Jackie

Well, how are we gonna drink all that milk? Wait! We need fifty boxes of cookies!

Hyde

No, wastoid! We’ll steal the crates! It’s perfect. Milk crates.

Donna

Milk crates.

Kelso

Milk crates.

Fez

Milky craties!

Hyde

This is one messed-up Christmas, man. You guys are all starting to look like elves.

Kelso

[laughing while taking off elf ears and hat] That must’ve freaked you out! [laughs again]

Eric

[watches Donna play with a Gyro Wheel] It’s gonna fall off.

Donna

It’s okay.

Eric

Oh my God, it—it is gonna fall off!

Donna

It’s okay!

Fez

Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer. Take one slop and half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez. It is a wonderful life.

Red

Kelso, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?

Kelso

...No.

Red

Kelso, did you glue yourself to the fridge?

Kelso

...Yes.

Red

I'm spending the day ice fishing. [puts on hat]

Kitty

Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me!

Red

[takes off hat] I don't wanna go.

Kitty

What? Why not?

Red

Because I don't want you to go.

Kelso

[mimics loading a shotgun] BURN!

Red

Really. I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it. It's cold and boring. And we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.

Kelso

The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that’s pointed at the White House. No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine.

Eric

Kelso, that was “The Flash,” and it is a comic book.

Fez

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles. [pause] So, you see anything?

Hyde

Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.

Kelso

[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.

Eric

Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.

Kelso

Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Eric

Hail to the Chief.

Kelso

Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

Eric

Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.

Kelso

You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Fez

Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.

Hyde

Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.

Hyde

This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!

Fez

I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!

Eric

Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hyde

Guys, we are making too many mistakes. We need to sit down, and figure this out!

Hyde

Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man. The feds have ruined the circle. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it.

Kelso

Hey. This circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, putting bugs everywhere, watching our every move! [whispering] So I say "Thank you," to the circle!

Eric

I just want everyone to know...[pulls out lightsaber] I'm prepared to fight my way outta here.

It's like you guys have your own language- I don't even understand half the things you say.

Kelso

Hah–if you understand anything Fez says, you're the only one. Burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh]

Fez

Oh, Kelso can't understand me- now I know how it feels to be a book! A-burn! [Fez and Kelso laugh again]

See? Man, I wanna "burn" somebody so I can be part of the gang!

Donna

This gang? Angie, the only reason this gang formed was because no one would let us into their gang! We're like the chess club- but better looking... and dumber.

Kelso

Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.

Kitty

What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!

Red

I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]

Donna

[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.

Kitty

Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]

Kelso

[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]

Red

Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.

Kelso

And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

Kelso

Don't touch that! It's breast milk!

Fez

Breast milk... from real breasts? [looks at Donna's chest] What don't they do?