[Kelso just hit a police car]
I cannot believe you hit a police car.
KelsoNah, don't worry. It's a hot lady cop. Yah, just watch the master.
DOfficer Debbie
License and registration.
Kelso
Yeah, just give me a sec here. My wallet gets stuck ‘cause I've been workin' out. My leg muscles are huge. Oh boy. By the way, I can bench about 220 so that'd be about - two of you little lady.
DOfficer Debbie
What's your name?
Oh my name is Fez, but I have a girlfriend so you need to cool it little girl.
DOfficer Debbie
Yeah, I'll try. Okay Mr. Kelso, I'm gonna issue you a citation. [gives Kelso a ticket]
Kelso
Wooh, a citation for bein' too foxy in a school zone.
DOfficer Debbie
No. A citation for 64 dollars. Bench press that.
[Fez and Kelso are talking about Nina's parents embarrassing him for being "different" in the Basement]
You know, I've been called many names since coming to this country, but I've never been treated like that before. [Shakes his head]
Kelso
Fez, unfortunately there are some people in this world that are going to judge you on the color of your skin, or your funny accent, or that girly little way you run. [Fez nods in agreement] But you know what, you're not alone. Why don't you think the Martians won't land here? Cause they're green, and they know people are going to make fun of them.
You said it brother.I just wish there were someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Kelso
Well, thats Canada. [Pause] Yep good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they are too busy playing hockey, or getting drunk, or putting maple syrup on their ham. [Nina walks in]
NNina
Fez, we need to talk.
Kelso
Hey, he might not be from this country, but he's beautiful, dammit!
Nina, our relationship is over. My self respect demands it, and there is nothing you can say to make me change my mind.
NNina
Fez, my parents are jerks, and I want to get back at them by doing it with you on their bed.
[Long pause] Except that. Thanks Kelso! [Kelso pumps his fist in agreement, as Fez and Nina leave]
[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?
Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]
Kelso
Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]
What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.
All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.
I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.
Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!
Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.
Kelso
Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!
Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.
Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?
You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!
Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.
Kelso
This peach cobbler... is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!
See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. [to Hyde] Right?
...Hey. There's this car that runs on water.
[The gang pelts Hyde with beer cans again]
[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]
That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.
Kelso
Wha? No you don't gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!
You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!
Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don't be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.
Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.
Kelso
Ohhh!
Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?
Kelso
Well, did it continue?!?
No! What could this mean?
Kelso
Well, isn't it obvious? It means that I'm gay!
[Eric and Donna try to scare everyone during their campfire]
Okay. I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story, so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.
[in a British accent] You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.
[Eric gets up and leaves]
You know... it really creeps me out being out here after what happened to those kids.
Kelso
What kids?
A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here, [turns on flashlight pointed at her face] and they disappeared. And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake. It was like... it was like something killed them, and then pulled them in.
Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.
No, Fez. The Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.
So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff. And when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.
Kelso
What did it say?
[scarily; points flashlight at Kelso] "I am the Lady of the Lake. I am the Lady of the Lake." Yeah, and you'll know when she's coming because she screams before she kills. Let's see if we can hear her. [pause] I said, Let's see if we can hear her!
D–Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.
Kelso
I heard her! She's stuck in a thornbush!
It was awful. I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank, and I just ran. I just ran away. And then I heard these high-pitched screams.... and it was me.
Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems. Fez is a good artist. He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster, and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from. Eric, I'm gonna be Ms. Nude Argentina.
You know, being here under the stars, sitting on the grass... makes me really glad I'm not poor.
Kelso
Check out that fire, baby. Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire. Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'! [looks more closely into the fire] What the... Is that my guitar?!
[Eric is mad at Kelso for leaving the van unattended, thus making the gang miss their graduation ceremony]
What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition?!
Kelso
When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge! GOD!
[after Kelso tries in vain to convince the others he had sex with Brooke, she comes to the basement]
BBrooke
Michael, we have to talk.
Kelso
Yeah? About what?
BBrooke
About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso
Excuse me.
[to Fez]
Kelso
Burn!
[to Donna]
Kelso
Burn!
[to Eric]
Kelso
Burn!
[to Hyde and Jackie]
Kelso
Burn!
[Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen]
Kelso
[to Kitty] Burn!
[to Red]
Kelso
Burn!
[Kelso runs back downstairs]
Kelso
[To everyone calmly] Burn. We totally did it!
BBrooke
Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso
[defensively] I never touched her!
Laverne is so annoying. Why does Shirley put up with her crap?
Kelso
She has to. They're in love.
Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not lesbians.
Kelso
Trust me, they're one bottle of wine away from making out, just like you two.
[Two girls approach Eric]
RGRandom Girl #1
Oh, my God, Eric Forman! I love your shirt.
Really? I wore this shirt for four years and no one said a thing.
RGRandom Girl #2
I guess now you really fill it out!
Thanks. I'm, like, up to 17 push-ups a night, so..
RGRandom Girl #2
No, I don't think that's it. I think it's because you're not a high school boy any more.
RGRandom Girl #1
You're 18 now; you've seen and done it all.
No, no, I... Well, yes, yes, I have! [Kelso pulls Eric away.]
Kelso
You better watch out, okay? Girls are talking to you. I think there might be a practical joke in the works.
No, man, I don't think so. I think it's because I graduated. Hyde, am I cool now?
Well, you're cool like margarine is butter... close, but there's a little aftertaste.
Hey, maybe a good way to break the ice is for everyone to tell a little about themselves. I'll go first... I like makeup and diets. And Steven here likes black things and throwing stuff at glass.
BBrooke
Okay, well, I was valedictorian of my class, I run marathons and tutor kids in Latin.
Kelso
Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class, a marathon runner -- oh, and some kids that took Latin.
BBrooke
So how do you all know each other?
Well, Michael and I dated for, like, three years.
Then I stole her from him.
Kelso
Nah, nah, you never could have stole her if I didn't cheat on her first.
BBrooke
Okay. Wait a minute.
Kelso
It, uh... that sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her with Eric's sister, and the rest of the girls were when we were on a break because I annoyed her. But none of those were sisters except the two that were sisters.
He brought up the sisters. Awesome.
BBrooke
Okay, this was a mistake. I think I'm going to go.
Kelso
No, Brooke, wait... I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot... a lot... a lot.
Kelso
Look, just let me start over... We might not be the perfect match, okay, but I really, really like you. I think maybe us having this baby together is, like, fate.
BBrooke
Michael, fate is when two people meet on a train or in Paris, not in the bathroom at a Molly Hatchet concert. [gets up and leaves.]
Kelso
Fate. Man, never use a word in a fight if you don't really really know what it means.
[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Kelso
Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
Kelso
[wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
