Eric Forman quotes from That &#039;70s Show

What?

Eric

I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

You got it, pal. You're grounded!

Eric

One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.

Do I have to be nice about it?

Eric

No.

This is the happiest day of my life.

S5 E10 The Crunge (a.k.a. The S.A.T.s)

View quote →

[Kitty gives Red Belgian waffles for breakfast]

Kitty

Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.

Eric

What's so Belgian about them?

They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.

S5 E12 Misty Mountain Hop (a.k.a. Jackie's Cabin)

View quote →

[Annette's behavior when she is with Kelso is strangely familiar to Eric and Donna]

Eric

Did you hear that? The shrill voice, the bossy tone, the random hatred of all things that bounce. Oh my God, she's Jackie.

A new Jackie.

Eric

A blonde Jackie.

EDEric and Donna

Blackie!!! [a dramatic chord plays]

We're doomed!

S5 E13 Your Time Is Gonna Come (a.k.a. Get Off My Boyfriend)

View quote →

BBea

So what were you saying dear?

Eric

[sitting next to Donna] Well I was just saying that, I'm getting married!

BBea

Oh honey! How wonderful! So who's the lucky girl?

Eric

[nods to his right] Umm, Donna.

BBea

Well I guess this is a small town. [she exits]

What the hell did that mean?

Eric

That my friend is the seldom heard but much feared grandma burn. Your only warning is the jingle of costume jewelry and the overpowering scent of Ben-gay.

S5 E14 Babe I'm Gonna Leave You (a.k.a. Valentine's Day)

View quote →

Eric

Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric

I really need to use the bathroom.

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Yeah.

No party, no pooper.

[chuckles] Nice.

Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

S5 E15 When the Levee Breaks (a.k.a. Eric and Donna Play House)

View quote →

[The gang is watching Red scream through the screen door. Kelso has just walked in]

Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?

Eric

Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck. [Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it and snaps his fingers] Ahhh.

Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,

Eric

I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.

S5 E16 Whole Lotta Love (a.k.a. The Silent Treatment)

View quote →

[Fez reports to the gang about sleeping with Nina]

Jackie

No way, Fez I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.

Eric

Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

No, this is the real thing.

I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.

Eric

Alive?

No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

S5 E16 Whole Lotta Love (a.k.a. The Silent Treatment)

View quote →

[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]

Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.

Kitty

And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.

Told you to look where you were goin'.

Jackie

Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

Eric

You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.

Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?

Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.

Kitty

Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.

Look, nothing was going on.

Eric

Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!

Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.

S5 E19 Bring It On Home (a.k.a. Jackie's in the House)

View quote →

[learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.

Eric

Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]

You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!

S5 E20 No Quarter (a.k.a. Jackie Moves In)

View quote →

Eric

[singing along to Anne Murray] "And even though I ain't got money, I'm so..." who am I kidding? After I can't pay for Donna's ring, no one's gonna be in love with me, honey. Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Kelso, because of your pantie shenanigans, I'm banning you from the circle. I hereby ban you! I also hereby eat your burrito. [takes burrito from Kelso]

Hey, Hyde. You're not the boss of me! ...Alright. But you can't tell me what to do... shoot. Well, at least I'm still my own man. ...No, I'm not! [gets up and leaves the circle]

What do you suppose Jackie and Donna are doing in the room right now? Combing each other's hair? Applying moisturizer to their "all-overness"? Oh, to be a fly on that boob.

Eric

All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love that the ring I gave her for all eternity was actually for only six-and-a-half weeks. Life's more complicated than one of your simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray? Anne Murray. What do you know about hard times? [scoffs] Canada.

S5 E20 No Quarter (a.k.a. Jackie Moves In)

View quote →

I'm telling you, the government has a car that runs on water, man. They just don't want us to know, because then we'd buy all the water. Then there'd be nothing left to drink but beer! And the government knows that beer... set us free.

Hyde, you told us about the car a million times. Can we please talk about how hungry and horny I am? I wish I had a lady made of pizza. Or a pizza made of boobs!

Eric

Yeah. Hungry: check. Horny: check. It's getting old, Fez. God, I feel like I'm Luke Skywalker, you know. 'Member when he was living on Tatooine, before R2 and 3PO showed up? Just workin' on Uncle Owen's water farm all day. Not even allowed to go in to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters. Boring.

Eric. Enough with the Star Wars crap. Whenever you talk about that stuff, I frown. And when I frown, my skin wrinkles. And if I get wrinkles, my free ride is over and I like my free ride!

Yeah. We get it. You're good-looking. Doesn't anybody have anything new to say? [nobody responds] So there's this car that runs on water, man.... [the rest of the group angrily pelt Hyde with empty beer cans] It runs on water, man.

S5 E21 Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped)

View quote →

Hey, weren't we supposed to seize something, man?

You know what the Six Million Dollar Man should have? A bionic nose. You could smell everything!

Eric

Guys, all I know is that we should really appreciate this. 'Cause... I don't think we're gonna be able to do this in college.

This peach cobbler... is amazing! I love how they have a whole pan of peach cobbler just sittin' on a counter!

Jackie

See? We don't need anyone else. We have lots of interesting things to say. [to Hyde] Right?

...Hey. There's this car that runs on water.

[The gang pelts Hyde with beer cans again]

It runs on water, man!

S5 E21 Trampled Under Foot (a.k.a. Fez Gets Dumped)

View quote →

[Fez is uneasy after he admits having had a dream about Kelso]

That is awesome! Fez, you gotta tell us about this dream.

Wha? No you don't gotta! Look at him! He's undressing me with his eyes, right now!

You undressed yourself you son of a bitch!!!

Eric

Fez, tell us what happened. And, and don't be afraid to use colorful words like sweaty, or fondle or forbidden. Go on.

Well...Kelso was a nurse. And there was ... sponging.

Ohhh!

Hey, maybe, maybe the dream continued and we went to find some girls?

Well, did it continue?!?

No! What could this mean?

Well, isn't it obvious? It means that I'm gay!

S5 E22 You Shook Me (1) (a.k.a. The Nurses Are Coming)

View quote →

[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]

Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin' in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?

Very happy.

Eric

Yes.

Of course you are. And that's why I've changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.

Eric

Wha-Are, are you serious?

Absolutely! Hey! Let's get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!

Next week? Wow that's, that's really soon.

Eric

Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin' like ... someday.

Yeah, yeah someday. That's good.

S5 E22 You Shook Me (1) (a.k.a. The Nurses Are Coming)

View quote →

[Eric and Donna are sitting in the basement. Red has been pressuring them to marry]

Eric

You know what I think Donna? I think this whole get married-in-a-week stuff is just Red trying to get us to call the whole thing off. Yeah, but you know what? That ain't happening Missy. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna teach Red a lesson and get married out of spite. Yeah screw you Red!