Plankton quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Plankton?! [Plankton appears in an imagine bubble] But Mr. Krabs, he’s your arch enemy, he's been trying to steal the Krabby Patty Formula for years. [swats Plankton]

PPlankton

Ouch.

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[Cut to the morning where Mr. Krabs walks to work crying, and SpongeBob walks in laughing.]

Takin' him to the cleaners! That's a hot one! [Mr. Krabs leans against the Krusty Krab doors] How'd the card game go last night, Mr. Krabs?

I lost.

Barnacles, Mr. Krabs! How much money did ya lose?

I didn't lose any money. [sheds away a tear] I lost...

Don't tell me you lost the Krusty Krab!

I lost... [SpongeBob grabs him]

Mr. Krabs, please tell me you didn't lose the... Krabby Patty secret formula!

I... lost... [points to SpongeBob] YOU!

What?

I bet your contract, and I lost.

[stares blankly, then laughs] Good one, Mr. Krabs. Well, I gotta go make those Krabby Patties. [begins to walk to the door, but Mr. Krabs' claw stops him. After continually walking and getting nowhere, he falls to the floor]

I'm afraid... you don't work here anymore.

Squidward

[runs out the door to the two] Please tell me this isn't a joke.

Go on, Mr. Krabs. Tell him. Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke.

PPlankton

[walks over] As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. [points at SpongeBob] You work for me now, SpongeBob. [whips out a bucket with the initials "CB" on it] Time to put on the official Chum Bucket bucket helmet. [jumps onto SpongeBob's head, kicks off the Krusty Krew hat and puts the bucket on his head. SpongeBob screams and runs to Mr. Krabs while knocking Plankton and the bucket off his head]

But Mr. Krabs, I don't wanna work for him! [tugs at Krabs' shirt collar] I wanna work for you, here at the Krusty Krab! [he and Krabs start crying loudly and hug]

I'm sorry, boy! It's all my fault!

PPlankton

[pretending to sound genuinely sad] What kind of cold, heartless person would break apart such a loving relationship? [whips out a crowbar] I would! [jumps up and uses the crowbar to pry SpongeBob off Krabs. SpongeBob goes flying with Mr. Krabs' arms still clung to him]

SpongeBob!

Mr. Krabs! [slams into a cage and Krabs' arms fly off him. Plankton walks over and shuts the door]

PPlankton

This is your greatest blunder, Krabs. For fifteen years, I've been throwin' those card games just waitin' for you to slip up. I may not have the precious Krabby Patty formula, but I've got the next best thing: the guy who makes 'em! [a propeller emerges from the cage] I'm gonna run you out of business, Krabs. [the propeller spins and pilots SpongeBob into the Chum Bucket]

Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob! [cries and then stops] Can I have my arms back? [Plankton walks over and throws the arms on Krabs' head.]

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PPlankton

What is he doing? All these tears... and the showtunes? Why isn't he making the patties? Forget it. I'm going with plan B, I'll put his brain in the robot chef.

You know that never works! The answer is obvious: to get to the SpongeBob, you must show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give you what you want.

PPlankton

Will you be quiet? I'm thinking! I've got it! To get to the SpongeBob, I'll show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give me what I want.

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PPlankton

I put the brain in the robot, you know. You shouldn't have been a spoiled brat. You see, I always get what I want. And I want you to make me a Krabby Patty!

RSRobot SpongeBob

[turning on] Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?

PPlankton

What? WHAT?!

RSRobot SpongeBob

GET WELDED.

PPlankton

WAIT! I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!

RSRobot SpongeBob

[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.

[Plankton yells loudest out of madness and decides to give up]

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[The Deep fry pole vault.]

Win this one for the Krusty Krab.

For the krusty krab!

[flips over the poles and the deep fry and splats down on the circle drawn in the ground. The crowd gasps. SpongeBob forms a number one sign and the crowd cheers]

PPlankton

Win this one because I told you to.

Because you told me to! [flips over the poles, but lands on the handle of the deep fryer, flinging it at the crowd and turning them into fish sticks. A vendor walks up and turns on a heat lamp]

LLou

Fish sticks! Get yer fish sticks here!

S2 The Fry Cook Games

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[Heavy metal music plays. The bell rings. SpongeBob tears off his blue robe, showing off his extremely large, muscular body. Patrick rips off his own green robe, underneath which he is wearing a business suit. He tears off the business suit, also revealing an extremely large, muscular body. The two dive at each other, screaming, until they collide. They wrestle and continue to wind up in twisted positions. They spin around and wind up wrestling with themselves. They realize this, and dive back at each other. Patrick sits on top of SpongeBob, holding his foot]

Forget the Chum Bucket! This is personal. [takes off SpongeBob's shoe and licks his foot slowly. SpongeBob screams in agony. The two wrestle again. SpongeBob sits on Patrick's chest and screams as he lifts up a pencil with the eraser side pointing toward Patrick; he slowly brings it down to his name tag and erases the "Pat" in "Patrick," leaving "Rick"] No! My name's not Rick! [tackles SpongeBob in a puff of smoke]

[the two wrestle once more before they stop]

I don't like you!

I don't like you more!

I never liked you!

I 1,000 times never liked you!

Pink!

Yellow!

[They struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down. Patrick's underwear is yellow. SpongeBob's underwear is pink]

Yellow.

Pink?

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

[their eyes start to water] You do care! [both start crying and hug each other]

Let's promise never to fight again, buddy.

Yeah, pal. Let's go home.

[both walk away holding hands and whistling while the audience boos]

Hey! Where ya going?

PPlankton

Get back here and kill each other!

You're my best friend ever.

You too, Patrick.

You know, these were white when I bought 'em.

S2 The Fry Cook Games

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[angrily squishes Plankton] You!

PPlankton

Me?

You think this is funny?

PPlankton

In a cosmic sort of way, yes.

Well, Mr. Funny Man... [shows Plankton a Krabby Patty] is this how you get your sick kicks?!

PPlankton

What? It's just an ordinary Krabby-- [close up of the Krabby Patty in question, which is covered in mold and stuffed with insects, hair, planks of wood, a sock, an eyeball, and a nail] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!

I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.

PPlankton

Oh, what now?

S3 The Algae’s Always Greener

A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large. I GAVE HIM A LARGE! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!

PPlankton

I command you to stop that! Stop that and return to your post! [pokes SpongeBob's chest] Where's the off button on this thing?

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PPlankton

Krabs?! What the barnacles is going on here?!

It's your arch competitor, Krabs! His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant.

PPlankton

That's terrible!

S3 The Algae’s Always Greener

Yeah! But the worst part of it is...

[Krabs lands behind Plankton, and Plankton turns around to see that Krabs is completely nude]

PPlankton

GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!

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PPlankton

Can I have the secret formula?

No.

PPlankton

Okay. [walks away]

[voiceover] But he was persistent.

PPlankton

[comes back] Pretty please?

Uh-uh.

S3 Plankton's Army

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PPlankton

Krabs won't stand a chance against the staggering intellect of a million super-smart criminal masterminds! [doorbell rings] They're here! Welcome, brethren! [Plankton runs to the door and opens it with a big grin, which quickly fades into a look of disbelief; he sees a huge group of hick, redneck family members playing music; one of them begins to speak]

Clem

[hick drawl] Hey, look, everybody! It's cousin Plankton!

FFamily

Yee-haw!

PPlankton

I've been away from home longer than I thought. [Clem runs up and shakes Plankton's hand]

Clem

[hick drawl] Well, howdy, cousin! [Plankton stares at his hand, which is dripping after his cousin shook it]

PPlankton

Uh...

Clem

It's me, Clem. O' course, you remember Zeke, Rufus, Jeke, Billy Bob, Billy Jim, Billy Billy Bo Willy Banana Fana Fo Filly, Doug, Enis... [Clem continues introducing the rest of the family; Plankton is crawling on the ground in exhaustion] Julio, Fletcher McGee, Rainchild, Zeke Junior...

PPlankton

Alright! I get it! I mean, uh, come inside. Make yourselves at home.

S3 Plankton's Army

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[looking at discussion cards]

What does yours say, Plankton?

PPlankton

Um...Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem...How interesting.

Nice try, Plankton.

S3 E11 Party Pooper Pants

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[Everyone is running around inside the Chum Bucket after getting kidnapped by the ChumBot]

PPlankton

Oh, good, the lunch rush. Now that my ChumBot has dropped you into my clutches, you'll be forced to eat at the Chum Bucket.

[Everyone stops in their tracks]

[furiously] What? You mean you kidnapped us just to sell us your fast food?

PPlankton

Come on, it's a standard marketing technique.

[People leave]

You little twerp! [leaves]

PPlankton

Hey!

He's right, ya know.

PPlankton

Karen. [walks up to her] You think I'm a twerp?

Well, yes, but I was referring to the kidnapping.

PPlankton

Everything I do is always wrong in your eyes.

Maybe it's because you are always wrong.

PPlankton

Fine, I'm wrong and you're right.

You said it, not me. You know, you're lucky to have me.

PPlankton

[walking away] Why did I ever install that nagging software?

"Nagging software"? I heard that! Come back and dust my screen!

S4 Enemy In-Law

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PPlankton

Why did I ever buy that computer wife? I need a real woman, not a girl in a cold-hearted shell. [hears Mama Krabs humming outside so he brings down his periscope on her] Such beauty. She's an angel, and no wires. I've never felt like this before. I don't even know her name and yet she's stolen my heart.

[angry] Plankton! You've fallen in love with another woman?! I'm your wife!

PPlankton

You're a W.I.F.E. [pulls out a chart] Wired Integrated Female Electroencephalograph.

Oh, you always pull that one out! [mocking voice] "You're not a real wife, you're just a computer!"

PPlankton

[sighing] Why don't you have an "off" switch? [sees it and smiles]

Plankton, don't you dare... [turns off]

PPlankton

And now to woo that beloved creature.

S4 Enemy In-Law

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PPlankton

Excuse me! I can't reach my silverware!

Terribly sorry, sir. [pulls out a smaller chair and table, places it on the big table, and puts Plankton into it] Will there be anything else?

PPlankton

Is my tie on straight?

You...look FABULOUS!

S4 Enemy In-Law

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PPlankton

[pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight.

BBetsy

[notices Plankton] Oh, my. You're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her] Tell me about yourself.

PPlankton

Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.

BBetsy

Never heard of it.

PPlankton

[points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street.

BBetsy

Doesn't ring a bell.

Plankton [shows her the back of a phone book with a picture of him and the Chum Bucket] It's on the back of the phone book! Come on! I paid a lotta money for that ad! [puts the book away] Never mind, never mind. I'd like to hear about you.

BBetsy

Well...

Plankton!

PPlankton

Krabs!

BBetsy

Eugene!