Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

Now repeat after me. I have no talent.

SpongeBob

I have no talent.

Squidward

Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob

Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward

If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.

SpongeBob

If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art.

Squidward

[unenthusiastically] Whatever.

Squidward

Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artist. I call this one: "Squidward en repose".

I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.

Squidward

Why not?

Because it's an art collection. [laughs]

Squidward

How about this one? I call it "Bold and Brash".

More like: "Belongs in the Trash". [Laughs]

Squidward

I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick

Like a genie!

Squidward

Aww, our first Christmas. ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas! The first Christmas is this Christmas! [donkey appears on screen making noises] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me!♪ [laughs at SpongeBob and hits his butt over and over again]

SpongeBob

You were right, Squidward. This was a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.

Squidward

[stops hitting his butt] What? What's this?

SpongeBob

A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... [lifts his inelegant blubbering head up] Santa came! [cries some more]

Squidward

Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...

SpongeBob

You're welcome. [sadly walks off and cries]

Squidward

SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby Patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. Present. [opens the present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted out of driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and three wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. [sniffles] Oh, I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk!

Squidward

Oh, no! That didn’t just happen! Please tell me that didn’t happen!

Patrick

What happened?

Squidward

Where are we? We’re lost there’s no way out! Stuck, in the middle of nowhere, with SpongeBob and Patrick! [they wave] Why must every eleven minutes be filled with misery, why?!

SpongeBob

Oh, cheer up, squid it could be worse.

Patrick

Yeah, you could be bald, and have a big nose.

Squidward

Well, this is the end. [falls to the floor where a duck sound is quacked]

SpongeBob

No, it’s not, Squidward.

Patrick

[stops hammering on their coffins] It’s not?

SpongeBob

Oh, Magic Conch Shell, what do we need to do to get out of the Kelp Forest? [pulls the string]

Nothing.

Patrick

The shell has spoken!

Squidward

NOTHING?! We can't just sit here and do nothing! [sees that they are literally doing nothing; groans angrily] I can't believe you two are gonna take advice from a toy! [SpongeBob and Patrick still do nothing and not answer. He growls angrily again] All right, all right, all right! I don't need your help. I'm gonna find my way back to sanity!

SpongeBob, your story has touched me heart. Believe it or not, I know what it's like to give up a best friend.

SpongeBob

You do?

I was five years old, and me father gave me a dollar. I loved that dollar...loved it like a brother. Me and that dollar went everywhere together.

SpongeBob

What happened to the dollar, Mr. Krabs?

[sniffles] And one day at the beach, it was so hot and I was so thirsty! I SPENT IT ON A SODA!! [sobbing] My best friend! [crying]

Squidward

[sobs some more because of the onions again] What? Would you get out of here!

The point is, son, sometimes, you have to set things free even though it's hard. [points to Mystery] Look at her. She misses the great outdoors, the wide-open spaces, the rolling green pastures. The kitchen is no place for a live horse.

SpongeBob

Alright, Mr. Krabs, I understand.

Squidward

SpongeBob, where's my order?

SpongeBob

Did you look under the tray.

Squidward

Oh, no I didn't. Sorry. SpongeBob, could you just get my order?

SpongeBob

They vanished! Squidward, do you think the Krusty Krab is haunted? When will it come for me next? [panics] I gotta get out of here!

Squidward

Just get my order.

SpongeBob

You got it, Squidward. [laughs] Ghosts. [Mystery eats his Krusty Krab hat] Mystery, you ate my hat! [Mystery burps out his spatula, then SpongeBob gasps] Mystery, you ate my spatula! [no Krabby Patties] You ate all the Krabby Patties! [bitten stove] You ate the stove! [no one in the wheelchair] You ate Old Man Jenkins!

I don't want to be a burden.

Squidward

Folks, we have a minor situation going on in the kitchen.

Where's our food?

I’m so hungry!

This is my only lunch hour!

Where's Old Man Jenkins?!

SpongeBob

Hey, everyone! Squidward says he doesn't like Krabby Patties! Haw!

Squidward

Don't encourage them! They'll never leave.

SpongeBob

Sorry, Squidward, it's just so funny! You know what we say.

"The only people, who don't like a Krabby Patty, have never tasted one".

Squidward

SpongeBob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but that Krabby Patty, I'd eat my own legs first! [walks out from behind the counter] And not just the extra ones. [walks off as SpongeBob follows]

SpongeBob

But it's good for you!

Squidward

[turns around] Good for you?! That thing is a heart attack on a bun!

SpongeBob

No, Squidward, I meant... good for your soul. [background turns to a heaven-like sky and SpongeBob wearing wings and a halo and doves are seen flying in the background and a choir is heard]

Squidward

Oh, please! I have no soul! [background turns to fire, and flying bats and evil laughter are heard. Squidward is surprised, stopping those effects, and looks to the viewer's left. He walks off]

Squidward

What do I have to do? Eat one out of the garbage?

[with a big belly walks up to the trash can with a partially eaten Krabby Patty] I wish I could eat this, but I'm so darn full. Oh well. [drops the patty in the garbage]

Squidward

I had to say garbage... but, okay! [runs to the garbage can. He sees the Krabby Patty. He inhales deeply and eats almost everything in the garbage can. When he lifts up his head, he suddenly realizes the Krabby Patty ends up being the only thing left in the garbage. He extends his tongue, revealing all the trash he ate. He spits out what's in his mouth and grabs the Krabby Patty]

SpongeBob

Oh no! [runs over and grabs it out of Squidward's hand] What's this doing here?! This patty should be cremated! [runs to the furnace, throws it in, and cries. Squidward walks up] I know you didn't like him, but... it means so much that you came. [runs off and Squidward cries]

Squidward

Hmm, honey...? [wakes up] What? [groaning] Ohh! I have got to get my hands on a Krabby Patty! And no one's gonna stop me! [runs out of his house, panting, but tiptoes past SpongeBob's house, then pants some more to the Krusty Krab, putting his face up against the door] There it is unguarded! All I have to do is--! Wait, it's too easy. There must be some kind of security? [sees dripping coming from above the door inside and looks up and notices a bucket] This is our burglar alarm? A bucket of water? Ha-ha. [walks in, knocking the bucket off the door] That was too easy. [sniffs] Hey, this isn't water. This is gas! [A robotic arm with an ignited match drops it, lighting a screaming Squidward on fire, who runs all the way into the kitchen, where another bucket of gas falls on him and then fire is seen again, as he screams again in pain. Finally, he walks up to the Patty Vault, wide-eyed, and opens the door to reveal hundreds and hundreds of Krabby Patties. In later TV airings, after Squidward says "There it is...", the camera zooms in on the Patty Vault, and Squidward does the same routine after the zoom in; he gasps] Holy shrimp! I don't know where to start. [picks up a patty] All that matters is that it's just you... and me... and nobody...

SpongeBob

Squidward? [Squidward's face drops] Is that you?

Squidward

[turns around] SpongeBob? Uh, uh, uh... what are you doing here? [points at SpongeBob. While pointing at him, he notices he's showing the patty in his hand and puts it behind his back again]

SpongeBob

[takes off his green hat] I always come to work at 3:00 AM. This is when I count the sesame seeds. What are you doing here?

Squidward

Uhh, I forgot my...

SpongeBob

And why is the patty vault open?

Squidward

Oh, I thought that...

SpongeBob

And why are you holding a patty behind your back?

Squidward

I... I... I... no, I didn't do...

SpongeBob

And why are you acting so nervous? And why are you sweating so much? And why do you look so hungry? And... [stops, and grins very smugly]

Squidward

No, no, wait...it's not what you think. Th-This is a big misunderstanding. You've got to believe me, I... Listen, I am telling you! You better listen to me, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

You like Krabby Patties, don't you, Squidward?

Squidward

[slams the vault door, and emerges from the big piles of Krabby Patties happily] Yes! Yes! I admit it, SpongeBob! I LOVE KRABBY PATTIES! [eats two patties]

Squidward

What's gonna happen? Am I gonna blow up?

SpongeBob

No, worse - it'll go right to your thighs!

Squidward

My thighs? [pan down showing Squidward's enlarged thighs]

SpongeBob

...and then you blow up!

[chuckles] I remember my first Krabby Patty...

Squidward

What the...? How are you two making that noise?

SpongeBob

[laughs] What noise, Squidward?

Patrick

I could only hear the sound of our laughter.

Squidward

Yes! But those sound effects: the avalanche, the-the-the...

Patrick

Don't forget the second avalanche!

Squidward

How are you doing that?

SpongeBob

First we establish a base camp at 15,000 feet.

Squidward

The noises! How are you two making those noises?

Patrick

Well, that's easy. All you need is a box.

SpongeBob

And... imagination. [forms a rainbow with his hands]

Squidward

Are you trying to say I have no imagination? I have more..."imagination" in one tentacle than you two have in your whole bodies.

Patrick

That's good. Now all you need is a box.