A character in SpongeBob SquarePants
Played by Rodger Bumpass
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in SpongeBob SquarePants: in 334 of its 1,068 quotes
Most scenes with: Abrasive SpongeBob (234), Patrick (106), Mr. Krabs (104)
So, are you ready?
SquidwardTo go home?
No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.
SquidwardMr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy. [points to SpongeBob]
You know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again]Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
SquidwardFour... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
I guess we started too early! Let's start again!
SquidwardFive... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two... [crying] ...one! Well, at least l was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
Hey, Squidward, check this out!
SquidwardWhat the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
Squidward, we played babble like an idiot!
SquidwardWHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
SquidwardFORGET THE BOOK! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to EXPLODE!
You want me to explode?
SquidwardYes, that's what I've been waiting for!
Um... okay, I'll try. [strains himself] GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
Squidward[yells, hops up and down furiously] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
[claps] Ooh, good one.
SquidwardNO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
Why would I do that?
SquidwardBecause the pie you ate was a bomb!
What pie?
SquidwardThe one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh! You mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
Squidward[the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?
We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.
Is it a paying customer?
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!
SquidwardUm, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
Why?! Why?! He was so young!
We’ll never forget you, Wormy!
SquidwardWell, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."
You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!
No. Especially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS! [group laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh...
[annoyed] ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
SquidwardCheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
Really? You do, Squidward?
SquidwardYeah, your grandma!
Squidward[in a state of tranquil fury] SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [a piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than continue living where I do now.
[A TV falls on the ground and turns on. On the television is an octopus, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow.]
Hi, there. Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest three-way?
SquidwardFour-way.
Four-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to...
[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen] I hate this channel.
SquidwardNo! No! [changes it back]
...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. [puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pops echo]
[Meanwhile, a group of octopuses are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them.]
Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end]
Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!
SquidwardStand back! I've got gardening tools! [the policeman hands him an envelope]
Here! Just read this! [Squidward looks at it]
SquidwardWhat is it?
A well thought out and organized list of complaints! [the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
Patrick, look! It's Squidward! [he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's] Squidward! We finally found you! [the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]
Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! [pause]
Are you Squidward now?
SquidwardGrievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color.
F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. [Squidward, and the crowd, smile]
SquidwardHey, you're right! [the crowd members' smiles fade] And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! [meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]
Are you Squidward?
No. [he walks up to the croquet woman]
Are you Squidward?
No. [Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]
Are you Squidward? [pause] That's okay, take your time. [SpongeBob walks up to him]
Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile]
SquidwardFreedom! Woo-hoo! [SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]
Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. [the episode ends]
Neptune preserve her!
SquidwardHow long can she stay like that?
I don't know.
Sandy's a girl?
Wow, Sandy. You sure provided us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. [bubbles rise from Sandy's lips] At least until they need to breathe... [he, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs chuckle while Sandy angrily squints one eye at them] Yep, won't be long now.
[starts struggling to hold her breath] Mm?
Feeling lightheaded yet?
[shakes her head] Uh-uh.
Remember this? [takes a deep breath in and out. Sandy is seen sweating profusely]
It's free! [also takes a deep breath in and out]
Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes?
[holding and eating popcorn] Hey, we are not chicken! [drops his popcorn] Huh! My popcorn! [begins pecking at it like a chicken]
Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. [looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water] There! Mission accomplished!
Look, unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures!
No way, San-day. We can take on your challenge.
Yeah!
We're sea creatures!
Yeah!
Okay. Well, this is it.
Wait, boy! [gives him a glass of water] Make it last.
[drinks from it] Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Okay. Here I go! [the scene changes to live action as he gasps out of the water. He is now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick] Hey, this isn't so bad! We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine!
I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! [jumps out of the water. He is now a real pink starfish, missing his trunks, on a stick] Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob!
All right, Pat! You made it! Come on up, Mr. Krabs! Up here!
All ashore that's going ashore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! [runs up. He is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]
Looking good, Mr. Krabs!
Yeah! Yeah, whoo-hoo!
Come on, Squidward! You're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward!
[chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
SquidwardWell, l'll do it, but I won’t like it. [walks up. He is a puppet octopus with his eyes and big nose. All stop chanting] What?
Well, here we are! [all four are walking on the island]
SquidwardThis is pretty easy!
I may keep a second rock up here!
Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad!
We're the masters of land and sea! [a string puppet seagull lands in front of him] Hey, it's a local. Hi! We're from underwater! Do you know Sandy Cheeks? [the seagull looks at screen]
Three, two, one. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate them! [walks onto the island. She is now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head] SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm, where do those critters get to? [sees the seagulls attacking all four of them; one of them is trying to eat Patrick, while the other is chasing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward] [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! [attacks the birds offscreen and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down]
Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy.
You know, everyone's best at things.
But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.
Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.
Three cheers for feeling sorry for us! Hip hip...
Hooray!
Hip hip...
Hooray!
Hip hip...
[lying injured on the island with their feathers missing] Hooray!
[Cut to the morning where Mr. Krabs walks to work crying, and SpongeBob walks in laughing.]
Takin' him to the cleaners! That's a hot one! [Mr. Krabs leans against the Krusty Krab doors] How'd the card game go last night, Mr. Krabs?
I lost.
Barnacles, Mr. Krabs! How much money did ya lose?
I didn't lose any money. [sheds away a tear] I lost...
Don't tell me you lost the Krusty Krab!
I lost... [SpongeBob grabs him]
Mr. Krabs, please tell me you didn't lose the... Krabby Patty secret formula!
I... lost... [points to SpongeBob] YOU!
What?
I bet your contract, and I lost.
[stares blankly, then laughs] Good one, Mr. Krabs. Well, I gotta go make those Krabby Patties. [begins to walk to the door, but Mr. Krabs' claw stops him. After continually walking and getting nowhere, he falls to the floor]
I'm afraid... you don't work here anymore.
Squidward[runs out the door to the two] Please tell me this isn't a joke.
Go on, Mr. Krabs. Tell him. Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke.
[walks over] As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. [points at SpongeBob] You work for me now, SpongeBob. [whips out a bucket with the initials "CB" on it] Time to put on the official Chum Bucket bucket helmet. [jumps onto SpongeBob's head, kicks off the Krusty Krew hat and puts the bucket on his head. SpongeBob screams and runs to Mr. Krabs while knocking Plankton and the bucket off his head]
But Mr. Krabs, I don't wanna work for him! [tugs at Krabs' shirt collar] I wanna work for you, here at the Krusty Krab! [he and Krabs start crying loudly and hug]
I'm sorry, boy! It's all my fault!
[pretending to sound genuinely sad] What kind of cold, heartless person would break apart such a loving relationship? [whips out a crowbar] I would! [jumps up and uses the crowbar to pry SpongeBob off Krabs. SpongeBob goes flying with Mr. Krabs' arms still clung to him]
SpongeBob!
Mr. Krabs! [slams into a cage and Krabs' arms fly off him. Plankton walks over and shuts the door]
This is your greatest blunder, Krabs. For fifteen years, I've been throwin' those card games just waitin' for you to slip up. I may not have the precious Krabby Patty formula, but I've got the next best thing: the guy who makes 'em! [a propeller emerges from the cage] I'm gonna run you out of business, Krabs. [the propeller spins and pilots SpongeBob into the Chum Bucket]
Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob! [cries and then stops] Can I have my arms back? [Plankton walks over and throws the arms on Krabs' head.]
[The episode begins at Squidward's house. Music is heard, which turns out to be Squidward playing his clarinet, until the doorbell rings. The snail doctor is at the door with Incidental 26.]
Yeah, uh, we're with the pet hospital down the street, and I understand you have a dying animal on the premises.
[Squidward slams the door shut. The phone rings, and Squidward picks up.]
SquidwardHello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the... [plays a note on his clarinet]
Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?
Squidward[gasps] Squilliam Fancyson from band class?!
[The episode begins at night at the Krusty Krab. It's closing time.]
Ah, the Krusty Krab. Bikini Bottom's premiere daytime eatery. Where it will be closing time right about...
Squidward[switches the "Open" sign to "Closed"] Now! 8 o'clock! [takes off his Krusty Krab uniform hat] So long, suckers! I've got a hot date with a little lady, and her name is [pulls out his clarinet] Clarinet. [Tom shows up at the door and knocks on it, causing Squidward to drop his clarinet] What?
Are you open?
Squidward[points to the sign] Read the sign.
[ignores him] I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.
SquidwardNo, you won't. I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life!
Well, fine, if you don't want my money!
Money?! [Mr. Krabs falls from the ceiling on top of Squidward] You mean, if we stayed open later, you'd give us your money?
[pulls out cash; Incidental 49, Incidental 30, and Incidental 85 appear behind him] Sure.
Mr. Squidward, [tears up the "Closed" sign] welcome to the night shift. From now on, [he puts a spare Krusty Krab uniform hat on Squidward's head] the Krusty Krab is open 24 hours a day.
Squidward[gets up] What?! [crowd of fish barge in cheering and tramples Squidward]
[gasps] Wow! Now we never have to stop working!
Squidward[gets up again] Mr. Krabs.
See ya in the mornin', boys! I can't hang out here all night! I've got a life. [leaves]
SquidwardMr. Krabs!
Isn't this great Squidward? Just you and me together for hours and hours and hours, and then the sun'll come up, and it'll be tomorrow, and we'll still be working. It'll be just like a sleepover! Only we'll be sweaty and we'll be covered with grease! [jumps on cash register counter] Are you ready to rock, Squidward?!
SquidwardNo.
Good! 'Cause we've got customers!
Squidward[hands a customer a baseball bat] Here. Please hit me as hard as you can.
Psst, Squidward. I'm working in the kitchen... [laughs] at night.
Squidward[takes hat off; leans head on counter] Don't hold back.
[cuts to SpongeBob in kitchen] Hey Squidward. Guess what, I'm chopping lettuce... at night. [cuts to SpongeBob in the bathroom wiping it clean with himself] Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night. [cuts to SpongeBob at the grill picking up spatula, misses the spatula and hits the grill] Ow! I burned my hand! At night. [cuts to SpongeBob walking on the counter] Night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, night, na-na-na-night-na-night! NIGHT!
SquidwardWILL YOU PLEASE?! [hands SpongeBob a bag of garbage] Here, give me a moment's peace and take out the trash.
SquidwardOpen 24 hours a day, what a stupid idea. Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning?
[Cuts to Patrick in bed; his alarm clock rings, and he wakes up]
Oh, boy! 3:00 AM! [eats a Krabby Patty]
Can I have a job application? I brought my own spatula. [holds up spatula] I called here earlier but I hung up 'cause I was nervous.
Do you have references?
SquidwardWhen was you on the phone, and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights?
[they look at Nosferatu] Nosferatu! [Nosferatu smiles, and the lights go off while ending the episode]
Huh? The Krusty Krab, she's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?
SquidwardApparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.
Well, what was it? What did he say?
SquidwardUh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispers the word]
Huh? [Squidward whispers the word again; gasps and enraged] SPONGEBOB AND FRIEND! FRONT AND CENTER! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language?!
But, Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.
Yeah, it's fancy talk.
There ain't nothin' fancy 'bout that word!
You mean [dolphin chirp]?
Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a BAD word!
BAD WORD?! [both regretfully wipe their tongues]
Yes, siree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.
SquidwardDon't you mean there are only 7?
Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]
Wow, 13.
That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words.
Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.
We promise.
Abrasive SpongeBobTom Kenny · 691 quotes
PatrickBill Fagerbakke · 344 quotes
KMr. Krabs261 quotes
PPlankton138 quotes
SandyCarolyn Lawrence · 76 quotes
KarenJill Talley · 44 quotes
Mrs. PuffMary Jo Catlett · 37 quotes
French NarratorTom Kenny · 32 quotes
GaryTom Kenny · 30 quotes
PatchyTom Kenny · 23 quotes
PearlLori Alan · 22 quotes
FredMr. Lawrence · 19 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's SpongeBob SquarePants pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.