Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge! [the house shrinks again again and the bed disappears, leaving SpongeBob on the floor]
Huh? Wait a minute. [the scene cuts to outside where the nematodes are still drinking SpongeBob's house] Oh no! [runs into the living room. but squeezes through the door as he almost gets stuck. He gets freed as he gets launched into the wall. Gary gets stuck through the door as he slithers in. SpongeBob crashes into the wall, flipping the side table over] Ow. Shellphone! I know, I'll call Squidward. He'll know what to do.
Is it time already for you to ruin my day?
Squidward, help me! [his shellphone starts to shrink] My house is shrinking! I woke this morning, I was getting smaller and [high pitched voice] smaller! The walls are closing in on me! Gary is terrified too! [the shellphone is hung up; normal voice] Oh no!
PatrickIs it time already to ruin Squid's day? Hey, SpongeBob. Don't start without me.
Patrick
Or should I say "Mrs. Alien Pants"? [laughs]
Aliens? Is that what this is about? [SpongeBob and Patrick throw Sandy in the rocket] This isn't the moon! We're still in Bikini Bot-- [door is slammed shut]
It just goes to show you: you can't trust anyone. [he and Patrick stare at each other, run off, and pump their guns] So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!
Patrick
I didn't even know!
Patrick
Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's... [fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead] ...me that's got me.
Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on Sandy’s face. [starts up the engine crashing to the moon] Sandy, I'm back! [peeks out the window] Wow, Bikini Bottom sure looks different. [sees the Earth and realizes his mistake] Uh-oh...
PPeople
SpongeBob, we aliens would like a word with you!
Here, Patrick, have a Krabby Patty! [whispers] There he is Patrick, say your line!
Patrick
[reading script] Why, thank you, Sandy, I would love one. (Take patty.) [takes the patty] Too bad SpongeBob isn't here, these are his favorites. I sure wish he'd come home! (Take...bite...) [tries to but can't] I can't do it! SpongeBob, come back!
Patrick, I'm not coming home.
Patrick
I miss you! Sandy misses you! Even Squidward misses you!
[Cuts to Squidward at a party in his house dancing and cheering that SpongeBob is gone.]
Well, that's over. Back to jellyfish matters. [a drop of jelly lands on SpongeBob nose. He samples it] Mmm, jelly. [eats a lot of jelly as the jellyfish come back toward the hive] Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning! [jellyfish buzz into the hive] Greetings, comrades!
[The jellyfish repeatedly sting SpongeBob and he yells. SpongeBob climbs out of the hive with several bites yelling in pain and runs as the jellyfish keep stinging him.]
[Later, SpongeBob is walking home, back to Bikini Bottom, at night.]
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. [says "Buzz" fourteen more times as he walks up to the Krusty Krab door with a "Closed" sign and sees a plate full of Krabby Patties on a table] Krabby Patties. Buzz. Buzz. [walks past Sandy's treedome, then he sniffles] Sandy. [still saying "Buzz," walks up to his pineapple] What have I done? I had a great life and friends, and I gave all of that up.
[SpongeBob opens the door. The light turns on. Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Squidward, Patrick, and Gary are there to welcome him home.]
KPMr. Krabs, Patrick, and Sandy
Welcome home, SpongeBob! [Squidward blows a party blower]
You guys are the best! I made a huge mistake. Please forgive me!
Ah, quit your blubbering and have a Krabby Patty. [hands him a Krabby Patty]
Don't mind if I do. [eats it as Mr. Krabs places his Krusty Crew hat on his head]
And I'll see you at work first thing tomorrow morning.
[salutes] Aye, aye, captain!
SpongeBob, do us all a favor. [hands SpongeBob his pants]
Don't mind if I do! [puts on his pants] Ta-dah. [hugs Squidward] Aww.
Okay, that's enough. [everyone else hugs SpongeBob and Squidward]
Could we please stop this? [everyone except SpongeBob starts to feel something]
Patrick
Patrick itchy! [everyone but SpongeBob starts to scratch themselves and crawl on the floor]
[SpongeBob's doorbell rings]
Company! I hate company. [rushes to the door] Who's there?
Patrick
It's Patrick!
Patrick... go away! I never want to see you again! [giggles, but Patrick starts to cry]
Patrick
[sobbing] SpongeBob doesn't like me anymore!
[opens the door] That's right. You're my worst enemy.
[Patrick falls to the ground and bawls]
Patrick, you're not really not my friend. It's just Opposite Day!
Patrick
Opposite Day? Hey, I've heard of that!
Patrick
No! What is it?
Well, whatever you normally do, today you do the opposite.
Patrick
Oh! Let me try! Let me try! [holds his breath for about 6 seconds then turns purple]
Patrick! Patrick, breathe!
[Patrick takes a deep breath in and pants]
Not that opposite. Let me show you how to do it the wrong way!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are talking backwards]
.kcirtap, yeH (Hey, Patrick.)
Patrick
.pu evig I (I give up.)
!edis etisoppo eht ot teg oT (To get to the opposite side!)
[Both laughing backwards]
I don't get it. I made my house a mess, which was making it clean, which made Squidward clean my yard, but that really means he's messing it up. But the opposite of clean is filth, which means filth is clean, that means Squidward is really making my yard a wreck, but I normally wreck my own yard which means, Squidward is being the opposite of Squidward, which means he's SpongeBob! A-ha! I understand everything now! I must be the opposite of SpongeBob, by being... [Disguises himself to look like Squidward; talks like him] Squidward.
Patrick
Hey! I wanna be opposite, too!
[SpongeBob puts some coral on Patrick to give him a Squidward nose.]
Patrick
Yeah! Finally! Yoo-hoo! I'm Squidward! I'm Squidward! Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
Wait. It's not enough to look like Squidward to be opposite. [mimics Squidward] You have to act like him too. Boy oh boy, do I like playing the clarinet. I practice and practice all day long but I never get any better. [own voice] Now you try.
Patrick
Okay. [inhales, beat] I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward. I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!
[Spongebob plays Squidward's clarinet for the realtor]
RRealtor
Okay. I really don't want to hear another one.
[talking like Squidward] Okay. [plays the clarinet again]
RRealtor
I really don't want to hear more, thank you.
I hear you loud and clear. [When SpongeBob play the clarinet the third time, Squidward opens the door]
Stop! Get away from her! [to the realtor] Oh, I am so sorry, Ma'am. I hope these two [turns to SpongeBob and Patrick] barnacle heads [turns back to the realtor] haven't harmed you in any way.
RRealtor
What kind of fool do you take me for? [points to Patrick] He's Squidward. [points to SpongeBob] He's Squidward. [points to Squidward] You're Squidward? I'M SQUIDWARD! Are there any other Squidwards I should know about?!
[with a pickle on his face imitating Squidward] Meow.
RRealtor
I'm out of here.
Ma'am, please! What about my house?
RRealtor
I wouldn't sell a house for you if you were the last Squidward on Earth!
Patrick
Go!
[screams, runs out of his house, and holds onto the realtor's leg and skirt. The realtor is dragging him, as she's about to leave] No, no, no, no, no! Please sell my house!
RRealtor
NEVER!!! [drives away]
Don't leave me here! [starts crying]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Happy Opposite Day, Squidward! We hate you!
[looks livid then calms down] Let me show you guys how much I HATE YOU.
[Squidward leaves; the ground rumbles and SpongeBob and Patrick scream and run off; reveals Squidward driving the bulldozer used to dismantle SpongeBob's house with; the two run away]
Patrick, do you ever feel that Squidward likes us too much?!
[Squidward laughs evilly as he continues chasing them as they run away into the distance, ending the episode]
Uh, good evening and welcome to the first annual Squidward Tentacles Talent Show, sponsored by the Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty, because no one else would give it a home. [a rimshot plays and Patrick bursts out laughing] Uh, thank you, heh. Our next act is living proof that nepotism is alive and well. [another rimshot plays and Patrick laughs again]
Patrick
It's happened! [laughing]
Heh, thank you. Uh, put your fins together for... [Patrick cracks up laughing very hard. Bashes on the table with laughter, shaking dinnerware. He falls off his chair] Put your... [Patrick laughs] Put... [Patrick laughs] Pearl. [crowd applauds]
Hooray! [the curtain rises for Pearl, dressed in cheerleader uniform] My little girl is finally a star.
Give me a K-R-U! [jumps up and down on the stage causing the crowd to fly up and down with her] Give me a S-T-Y! [jumps up and down again] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down] Krusty Krab! [jumps up and down]
[he, Patrick, and SpongeBob's parents get tossed up and down. Mr. Krabs appears happy] Now that's what I call talent! [Krusty Krab floor is destroyed]
Thank you, [chuckles] thank you!
A grape fresh from the vine, your ghostliness. [drops grape into Squidward's mouth] A banana peeled to your liking, your incorporealness. [squeezes the banana into Squidward's mouth]
Patrick
[drops watermelon into Squidward's mouth, who keels over due to the weight] One watermelon fresh from the manure fields, your spookiness.
SpongeBob, I have a confession to make. [takes off towel from his head]
No, I'm not bald! I'm alive! Now get rid of that tombstone and tell all your friends to go home!
Go home. [everyone leaves] But I, Master--
I'm not your master, I'm your neighbor! Now do me a favor and stop doing me favors!
Patrick
Boy, he really had us fooled.
No, Patrick. He's the fool. He's a ghost in denial. He needs us now more than ever!
Patrick
You're right. He really needs to get up to the great beyond.
Patrick
That again.
Patrick
No, the other thing.
[annoyed] No, what you said before when you...
Patrick
No, what you said before when you...
Never mind! I've got an idea.
Patrick
Never mind! I've got an idea.
Patrick
[holds scissors in his right hand a has a puppet on his left hand] SpongeBob, look at my new paper ghost! Oooh, scary.
Patrick
What’s it?
What’s the difference between that ghost and me?
Patrick
[concentrates] No, no, no wait. Don't tell me. [concentrates more] D-don't tell me. DON'T TELL ME! DON'T TELL ME! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THIS! DON'T TELL ME! DON'T TELL ME! DON'T TELL ME! Okay, tell me.
I have a square head and a real ghost has a round one. All we have to do is make my head round and boo, I’m scary.
[SpongeBob is now sitting on a chair in his bathroom. Patrick has goggles on.]
Patrick
Okay, are you ready?
[shows paper ghost] Remember, like this.
Patrick
[razors off SpongeBob’s sides] Are you sure you want to do this?
Shave me down, make me round!
Patrick
[uses one of SpongeBob’s sides to wipe off sweat from his forehead] Alright, let’s get to it.
[Patrick razors off more of SpongeBob Cut to later, SpongeBob is now a round ghost]
Patrick
Perfect. Now that’s scary! [Patrick puts on his funny glasses] Let’s go scare somebody.
[after the Flying Dutchman runs away in fear, SpongeBob is shown entirely shaved, exposing his brain] Hey, what do you know? I scared him. [laughs; everyone else runs out of the Krusty Krab, screaming; walking outside with Patrick] It worked, Patrick! I scared everybody!
Patrick
Yeah, I guess it was your pink hat.
Pink hat? Oh, that's not a hat, that's my brain.
Patrick
Oh... [runs away shrieking]
[Screen goes to black, ending the episode]
[offscreen] Don't worry, it grows back.
[finding out he's in a blank background with colored-square tiles] He's not here. No more SpongeBob! No more! I may finally have found a place where I can be all alone! [the word "Alone" appears, alongside some word balloons]
[the word balloons saying "alone" became smaller]
I gotta get out of here! [panics, runs] Where's the time machine? Where's everything? Where? [stomps on the floor, falls into the time machine with the lever being fixed] I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I wanna go home! I miss Bikini Bottom! I miss my Easter Island head! I even miss SpongeBob! [right when Squidward says "SpongeBob," the time machine disappears and reappears in present time Bikini Bottom where SpongeBob and Patrick are still waiting for Squidward in front of his house] SpongeBob! Patrick!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Hi, Squidward.
[rushed] I was in the future and then I was in the past, and there was nowhere, and now, I'm back! And...you don't know how happy I am to see you guys.
Does this mean you wanna go...
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
...jellyfishing?
No! Who's the barnaclehead who invented that game anyway?
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
You are, Squidward.
[The scene cuts to the island of Bikini Bottom up above the sea while SpongeBob and Patrick both laugh offscreen]
[offscreen] I'm going back.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
