Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!"

SpongeBob

"Hoppin' clams!"

SpongeBob

"Order up!"

SpongeBob

"Yeah."

SpongeBob

There it is. The finest eating establishment ever established for eating: The Krusty Krab, home of the Krabby Patty... with a Help Wanted sign in the window. For years I've been dreaming of this moment. I'm gonna go in there, march straight to the manager, look at him straight in the eye, lay it on the line and... I can't do this! [starts to run home and Patrick stops him] Patrick!

Patrick

Where do you think you're going?

SpongeBob

I was just-

Patrick

No, you're not. You're going to the Krusty Krab, and get that job!

SpongeBob

I can't! Don't you see!? I'm not good enough!

Patrick

Whose first words were "May I take your order?"

SpongeBob

Mine were.

Patrick

Who made a spatula out of toothpicks in woodshop?

SpongeBob

I did.

Patrick

Who's a, uh, who's uh, oh... Who's a big yellow cube with holes?

SpongeBob

I AM!

Patrick

Who's ready?

SpongeBob

I'm ready!

Patrick

Who's ready?

SpongeBob

I'm ready!

Patrick

Who's ready?!

SpongeBob

I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

Squidward

[wiping graffiti off of the window of the restaurant as he notices SpongeBob running towards it] Oh no, SpongeBob. What could he possibly want?

SpongeBob

I'm ready! I'm ready!

Squidward

[runs inside and screams] Mr. Krabs! Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you about-

SpongeBob

Permission to come aboard, Captain! [in French accent] I've been training my whole life for the day I could join the Krusty Krew, [normal voice] and now I'm ready. So, uh, when do I start?

Well, boy, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs, please! I'll prove I'm fry cook material! Ask Squidward, he'll vouch for me.

Squidward

No.

Well, boy, we'll give ya a test, and if ya pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew. Go out and fetch me...a...uh, hydrodynamic spatula...with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, and, uh...turbo drive. And don't come back til ya get one.

SpongeBob

Aye aye, captain! One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments, turbo drive, coming right up, sir!

Carry on! We'll never see that lubber again.

Squidward

You're terrible. A hydro-what?

SpongeBob

Hey, you like karate too. So, what's your name?

Sandy

Sandy. So what do y'all call yourself?

SpongeBob

I'm SpongeBob.

Sandy

Well, SpongeBob, take a gander at this. [breaks a rock into pieces]

SpongeBob

Oh. Oh, yeah? Watch this! [makes armpit fart noises]

Sandy

I like you, SpongeBob. Why, we could be tighter than bark on a tree. Hi-yah!

SpongeBob

Uh, I like you too, Sandy. Hi-yah! Ow. Say, what is that thing on your head?

Sandy

Why, that's my air helmet.

SpongeBob

May I try it on?

Sandy

Heck no. I need it to breathe. I gotta have my air.

SpongeBob

Me too. I love air. Air is good.

Sandy

No kidding?

SpongeBob

Why, "air" is my middle name. The more air, the better. Can't get enough of that air.

Sandy

Shee-oot. How about comin' over tomorrow for tea and cookies then? Don't be late.

SpongeBob

Okay, see you tomorrow.

Squidward

Can we lower the volume please? I can't work with all that racket going on!

SpongeBob

Oh, sure thing, Squidward!

Squidward

Yes. Mmm. Right. Mmm.

SpongeBob

Okay...

Squidward

[to himself] Now for some soothing sounds from Squidward's clarinet. Thank you, thank you. [plays his clarinet. SpongeBob proceeds to continue building his Bubblestand super fast, making a loud racket] I thought I... Huh.

SpongeBob

Hey, Squidward! Wanna blow some bubbles? Only 25 cents.

Squidward

Right, like I would spend a moment of my time blowing bubbles.

SpongeBob

Uh-huh.

Squidward

Oh, please. I mean who in the world would pay to blow bubbles?

Patrick

Good morning.

SpongeBob

Okay, Patrick. It's all in the technique. First go like this, spin around. Stop! Double take three times. One, two, three. Then, pelvic thrust! Whoooo! Whooooooo! Stop on your right foot, don't forget it! Now it's time to bring it around town. Bring it around town. Then you do this, then this, and that, and this, and that, and this, and that, and then... [blows bubbles shaped like ducks, a cube, a caterpillar, and a tugboat. When the tugboat bubble pops, it makes a foghorn noise] And now with two hands! [blows a bubble shaped like an elephant]

Patrick

[Laughing] It's a giraffe. [continues laughing as the elephant bubble floats into Squidward's house]

SpongeBob

Excuse me, sir, but we are closed.

Squidward

Don’t give me any of that! How can you two make noise just blowing bubbles?!

SpongeBob

We're not just blowing bubbles, we're making bubble art!

May I help you?

SpongeBob

I'll take a banana split.

Uh, we don't have that.

SpongeBob

That's okay, I already "split" my pants. Get it?

[sarcastically] Tee-hee. Anything else?

SpongeBob

How about, "ripple"? [Sandy laughs some more] No thanks, already got one.

SpongeBob

Oh, no. Everybody's gone, even Sandy. She'd rather hang out with Larry. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. [weeps] We blew it, pants.

What do you mean "we"?

SpongeBob

Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach?!

No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen.

SpongeBob

Ouch.

No, I am. I got sand in my buns.

No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.

What happened to you?

SpongeBob

I lost my best friend.

How?

SpongeBob

When I ripped... my pants. [starts to sing] I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance, all just because I ripped my pants.

♪When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and ripped his pants!♪

SpongeBob

[singing voice, a crowd begins to gather] ♪I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse. 'Cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun...♪

♪Or sand in your buns!♪

SpongeBob

♪I learned a lesson I won't soon forget...so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself; don't miss your chance...and you won't end up like the fool...who...ripped...his...pants!♪

Sandy

SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

Sandy!

Sandy

Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself.

SpongeBob, that was so righteous. Would you...sign my pants?

SpongeBob

Absolutely, buddy.

SpongeBob

Welcome home, Squidward!

Merry Christmas!

SpongeBob

We're going to make this your best day ever! Well, your best day's sure not going to be out there.

Patrick

How about some soup on your best day ever?

Patrick

Music isn't best either.

SpongeBob

But what is best is what we saved for last. The one sure-fire thing to make your best day ever the best day ever.

Jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing, jellyfishing!

SpongeBob

This is Jellyfish Fields, where wild jellyfish roam just waiting to be captured. No, no, Squid, over here. I know you're eager, but you don't even have your net. Patrick, fix him up while I find him a good specimen.

Patrick

Firmly grasp it in your hand. [puts the net on Squidward's bandaged hand and it falls. He picks it up] Firmly grasp it. [puts it on the Squidward's bandaged hand again and it falls again] FIRMLY GRASP IT!!! [stabs the net through Squidward's bandaged hand] That oughta do it.

SpongeBob

Plankton, what are you doing here?

I just want to talk. You could say we're friends, right?

SpongeBob

Um...no.

Acquaintances?

SpongeBob

No.

Well, we're both invertebrates, aren't we?

SpongeBob

I...guess so.

You see? Everything works out. I have something for you. I've been keeping it in my secret compartment. Ching! Sparkle, sparkle.

SpongeBob

Wow. A golden spatula. And it's even got my name on it.

It's a gift. A gift from a friend. Friends give each other gifts, and tomorrow is my birthday. And you know what I'd like more than anything in the whole wide world?

SpongeBob

A booster seat?

A booster seat? Hot dog! I mean, no. What I want for my birthday from you, my friend, is one of those tender... delicious... Krabby Patties.

SpongeBob

[gasps] You just want to be friends so you can get your hands on a Krabby Patty! And I bet it's not even your birthday tomorrow.

Gee, and I thought you were stupid.

SpongeBob

You'll never get a Krabby Patty from me! Even if we are friends! Never! Never! Never! Never!

Oh, I'll get a Krabby Patty and you're gonna hand-deliver it to me personally, you weak-minded fool! [laughs evilly]

Any last words, SpongeBob SecretPants?

SpongeBob

I just have to say I'm sorry I let Mr. Krabs down. I let all of Bikini Bottom down. But worst of all, I let you down, you delicate little Krabby Patty.

Mmm...

SpongeBob

With your tasty, juicy, scrumptious, warm, steamy goodness.

Steamy.

SpongeBob

I'll never forget your 100% all-secret patty, secretly assembled with undersea cheese, pickles, lettuce, tomato, onion, all secretly steaming between two fluffy seaweed-sea buns.

Yes... yes... YES! Come to papa! [bounces off the patty and lands in the analyzer] Oh, boy. [now zapped and the computer reads out the analysis]

Karen

Plankton: 1% evil, 99% hot gas. [Plankton appears on the screen]

Well, this stinks.

SpongeBob

Well, patty, I guess we can go home now.

SpongeBob, that's my Krabby Patty! Give it back, you porous freak! I command you! My patty! No! I'll settle for some fries.

SpongeBob

[sings] ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the world... ♪ [plays the bassinet very badly] ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the sea... ♪ [the bow flies into a painting of Squidward. Squidward breaks the bow in half; singing and playing the bassinet like a guitar] ♪ Squidward- ♪

Patrick

[poking his head out the window] ♪ Likes Patrick more than SpongeBob. ♪ [Spongebob shuts the window in his face] Oh!

SpongeBob

And Patrick is a DIRTY, STINKY, ROTTEN FRIEND STEALER!! [hits the bassinet against the floor and it breaks] Um, I can fix this. [Squidward growls and kicks him out] So, uh...I'll see you tomorrow, Squidward. Call me.