Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yes! Hey, I just got my license!

SpongeBob

Hey, I'm getting mine next.

Hey, I doubt it.

Mrs. Puff

You've shown the most spectacular improvement of any student I've ever seen. What's your secret? A little radio in your head? [she and SpongeBob laugh; cuts to Patrick at the pineapple also laughing] Oh, and under that hat is some kind of, uhh, antenna? [they laugh again] And some guy miles away from here is giving you all the answers? [the laughing sequence plays a third time] Oh, yes...But that would be cheating.

Patrick

Cheating! [laughs]

SpongeBob

I'm cheating. Mrs. Puff.

Mrs. Puff

Yes, my star pupil?

SpongeBob

I think I'm cheating.

SpongeBob

Cheating, I'm a cheater! Cheater!

Mrs. Puff

No, no, no! It's quite alright! You can cheat that way! [points towards the finish line]

SpongeBob

No, I'm cheating!

Squidward

Will you let go of that stupid pizza already?

SpongeBob

I can't, it's for the customer!

Squidward

Who cares about the customer?

SpongeBob

I do!

Squidward

Well, I don't!

SpongeBob

[gasps] Squidward!

Squidward

Give it to me!

SpongeBob

No! We promised it's for the customer!

Squidward

[calms down] You're right. It's for the customer.

SpongeBob

Yeah!

Squidward

Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.

SpongeBob

Well?

Squidward

Just a peek. [opens the box]

SpongeBob

[quickly shuts it] Okay, it's fine.

Squidward

No, I think I saw something. [opens the box] Oh. No. I was wrong. Looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.

SpongeBob

Yeah...

Squidward

What's that? Is that the cheese?

SpongeBob

Yeah...

Squidward

And the pepperoni?

SpongeBob

Yeah...

Squidward

Ooh, looks good, huh?

SpongeBob

Wait a second! I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! I'm not letting you eat the pizza!

Squidward

Give me that pizza!

SpongeBob

No!

Squidward

Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

Get away!

Squidward

[starts chasing SpongeBob] Get back here, SpongeBob! Give me that pizza!

SpongeBob

No!

Squidward

SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

No!

Squidward

SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

No!

SpongeBob

Hooray, Gary! We're finally huge! [the house shrinks again again and the bed disappears, leaving SpongeBob on the floor]

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

Huh? Wait a minute. [the scene cuts to outside where the nematodes are still drinking SpongeBob's house] Oh no! [runs into the living room. but squeezes through the door as he almost gets stuck. He gets freed as he gets launched into the wall. Gary gets stuck through the door as he slithers in. SpongeBob crashes into the wall, flipping the side table over] Ow. Shellphone! I know, I'll call Squidward. He'll know what to do.

Squidward

Hello?

SpongeBob

Squidward!

Squidward

Is it time already for you to ruin my day?

SpongeBob

Squidward, help me! [his shellphone starts to shrink] My house is shrinking! I woke this morning, I was getting smaller and [high pitched voice] smaller! The walls are closing in on me! Gary is terrified too! [the shellphone is hung up; normal voice] Oh no!

Squidward

Yep, it is.

SpongeBob

Aah!

Patrick

Is it time already to ruin Squid's day? Hey, SpongeBob. Don't start without me.

Squidward

Tum-ta-dum. Today's the big day, Squidward. Don't wanna be late. [flies into his closet, gets dressed, and goes outside] Gotta hurry! Hold it! Hold everything! [SpongeBob and Patrick stand outside, with bags] I would not want to miss this. The day SpongeBob moves. I can't believe it's really happening.

SpongeBob

Don't worry, Squidward. I'll come visit you.

Squidward

Don't try to cheer me up, SpongeBob. Please.

SpongeBob

Here come my parents.

SpongeBob. Hi, honey, we're here.

Come on, SpongeBob, hurry, hurry, son, your mother has dinner waiting.

SpongeBob

Hi, Mom.

Squidward

Hello, Mrs. SquarePants! Let me help you with these bags. [picks up the bags and carries them to the car]

SpongeBob

Just give me a minute. [he walks back to where his house used to be] I cannot hold onto you any longer, little pebble. [buries it into the ground in the middle of where his house used to be] You hold too many memories. [sheds a tear, which falls from his nose and into the ground where the seed absorbs it, it then starts to glow. Then he shakes Squidward's hand] Well, Squidward, this is goodbye.

Squidward

Goodbye, SpongeBob, goodbye. [dances and celebrates] Goodbye, SpongeBob. Bye-bye-bye. Goodbye, SpongeBob. Ha-ha. Goodbye, goodbye.

Come on, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Goodbye, Patrick. Goodbye, Bikini Bottom.

Squidward

[still dancing and celebrating] SpongeBob is leaving. He's leaving, he's leaving! La, la, la, la, la, la, la ha ha ha ha! He's leaving, ha ha! SpongeBob is leaving, he's leaving!

SpongeBob

My house is back! Aww! Good old pineapple! It was exactly where it used to be! [continues praising all of the returned belongings he possessed in his original house] Aww, Squidward, isn't this great? I'm back forever!

Squidward

Forever?

SpongeBob

Wait a MINUTE! [grabs Bubble Bass' tongue and pulls it out, revealing four pickles underneath] Look! He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!

And there's the pickles from last time, too!

And there's my car keys!

Bubble Bass

And... there's my ride. [runs out of the Krusty Krab]

Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip...

Hooray!

Squidward

Hooray.

Hip hip...

Hooray!

Squidward

Whoop-dee-doo.

Hip hip...

Hooray!

Squidward

Oh, boy.

SpongeBob

And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone: Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip...

Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. His frown gets more groopier with each "boo"]

SpongeBob

Hip hip...

Boo!

SpongeBob

Hip hip...

Boo!

SpongeBob

Hip hip...

BOO! YOU STINK!

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob, are you okay?

SpongeBob

I overdid the speech again, didn't I?

Mrs. Puff

I'm afraid so.

SpongeBob

Aw, tartar sauce! I guess I won't be needing this. [takes off uniform] I hardly knew you. [frowns and begins to walk away]

Mrs. Puff

Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

I can at least let you wear it until tomorrow.

SpongeBob

[flies back into the uniform with a shout of joy] Thanks, Mrs. Puff!

Mrs. Puff

[to herself] What are the consequences of what I've just done? [sighs as she walks back into her classroom]

SpongeBob

[takes a look at a wanted poster] Huh, this guy's not half-bad-looking for a maniac. Wait a minute, Patrick...I'm the maniac.

We'll take that as a confession.

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob SquarePants, there you are. I turn my back on you for one minute and you destroy half the city. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You know this guy?

Mrs. Puff

Of course I do. I'm the one who gave him the uniform in the first place. He's my responsibility. Uh-oh...

Mrs. Puff

So, in conclusion, class. Red means "stop", green means "go". Oh, and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

[nervously] Yes, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

[shown on the monitor] I'd like to see you after class... 6 months from now!

SpongeBob

Squidward! Hey, Squidward! Squidward! Squidward-ier! [Squidward peeks out his window] Squidward! Look at my new pet.

Squidward

That's no pet, that's a wild animal.

SpongeBob

No, he isn't. Watch this. [throws a stick so the jellyfish returns it. SpongeBob is holding up 3 fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

[humming] 1, 2, 3.

SpongeBob

Play dead.

Squidward

I wouldn't let that thing into my house even if it was potty trained. [the jellyfish, still on the rope, is on a toilet reading a newspaper] I didn't need to see that.

SpongeBob

Well, we're going to my house to have a little fun.

Squidward

How can you possibly have fun with a jellyfish?

SpongeBob

Nice try, Sandy.

Patrick

Or should I say "Mrs. Alien Pants"? [laughs]

Sandy

Aliens? Is that what this is about? [SpongeBob and Patrick throw Sandy in the rocket] This isn't the moon! We're still in Bikini Bot-- [door is slammed shut]

SpongeBob

It just goes to show you: you can't trust anyone. [he and Patrick stare at each other, run off, and pump their guns] So, you were an alien all the time, and you didn't even tell me!

Patrick

I didn't even know!

SpongeBob

Well, I've got you now!

Patrick

Oh, but it's not you that's got me. It's... [fires his pop-gun, but traps himself instead] ...me that's got me.

SpongeBob

Boy, I can’t wait to see the look on Sandy’s face. [starts up the engine crashing to the moon] Sandy, I'm back! [peeks out the window] Wow, Bikini Bottom sure looks different. [sees the Earth and realizes his mistake] Uh-oh...

SpongeBob, we aliens would like a word with you!

Wha? [looks at a clock] What's that? [looks at Gallery Grub with "Squeak" words in it] I didn't write that, agh! What? [Tom's mouth muted] Who said that? Who's there? [water dripping] Huh?

SpongeBob

[in Mr. Krabs' memory] Could the world greatest fry cook do this? And this! And this! And this! And this! And this, and this, and this, and this, and this. [Mr. Krabs' eyes swirl] This, and this, and this, and this, and this, and...?

[snapping after too much squeaking] Stop it! Stop it! Oh! Don't you hear it? [short silence as the few customers stare at him] Yes, I did it! I did it! I took the boots! They're here! Under the floorboard! [sobbing] Oh, please! Make it stop! It's the squeaking of the hideous boots! [throws himself onto the floor and bawls] I'm sorry... [lifts up the entire Krusty Krab and grabs the boots, with everyone screaming inside.] ...but I can't take the infernal squeakin' no more! [throws himself onto the floor, then lifts the entire krusty krab up to grab the boots; He then rushes to the kitchen with the evil expression, He puts the boots into the vat of grease shrinking them and then eating them, He then opens the door to the dining room and lets out the burp] The deed is done.

Spongebob

[confused] Umm, why did you eat my boots Mr. Krabs?

Because lad, you didn't need em. It's not the boots, it's the booty. Err, um, the person in the boots. You're a great fry cook, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

You really think so, Mr. Krabs?

I do, son. [gives SpongeBob money] Here's your paycheck, SpongeBob. [gives more money] Plus, a bonus. [takes bonus back] Well, there's your paycheck anyway. [walks off] I need a vacation.

SpongeBob

Bye, Mr. Krabs!

Sandy

Here, Patrick, have a Krabby Patty! [whispers] There he is Patrick, say your line!

Patrick

[reading script] Why, thank you, Sandy, I would love one. (Take patty.) [takes the patty] Too bad SpongeBob isn't here, these are his favorites. I sure wish he'd come home! (Take...bite...) [tries to but can't] I can't do it! SpongeBob, come back!

SpongeBob

Patrick, I'm not coming home.

Patrick

I miss you! Sandy misses you! Even Squidward misses you!

SpongeBob

Well, that's over. Back to jellyfish matters. [a drop of jelly lands on SpongeBob nose. He samples it] Mmm, jelly. [eats a lot of jelly as the jellyfish come back toward the hive] Ah, my jellyfish brethren are returning! [jellyfish buzz into the hive] Greetings, comrades!