Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Thank you. Yes. Oh my... well, then... I'm afraid you've broken no records.

[their jaws dropped] Huh?

This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You, however, have sent a brand new record: Most injuries sustained while helping a friend.

Sandy

Good for you, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

[cracks into pieces] Um... hooray.

Say "cheese"! [takes a picture as the episode ends]

Hey, where'd he come from?

SpongeBob

[gasps] The Dirty Bubble?!

The Dirty Bubble? I wanted to unmask Man Ray.

This shake is disgusting! Why, you probably don't even have a license to milkshake!

SpongeBob

A license to milkshake? Well, of course I do, silly! And it doesn't expire until... [looks at his license] ...SEVEN YEARS AGO?

SpongeBob

[voiceover] Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had! This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. Specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intended those words are. Knowing I have the tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. And I hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year: cleaning day! Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah yes, cleaning day.

Squidward

Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.

Squidward

What do you think of Mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt?

SpongeBob

Plaid? [SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken]

Well, you don't have to be nasty about it!

SpongeBob

Hi, Squidward. How's it going?

Squidward

SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.

SpongeBob

What for?

Squidward

For reading your diary.

SpongeBob

Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published! It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you! Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary! Now, that would have been really embarrassing...

[chuckling despite the 3-D movie gone from the TV] Wow!

Mrs. Puff

I think it's safe to say you have once again [gives the driving test paper to SpongeBob with a big red 'F' imposing the sheet] failed your driving test! [SpongeBob sadly looks at the paper as the teenage fish laugh at him]

SpongeBob

Uh, but, Mrs. Puff, I-

Mrs. Puff

No buts, SpongeBob! You fail this test over and over. I'm beginning to think you are simply... [gets in his face] unteachable. [teenage fish laugh again] Now, get out of my sight.

SpongeBob

I...I... [bawling violently at Mrs. Puff as the tears blow out of his eyes] I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff...!

Squidward

Nothing ever happens in this dump...

SpongeBob

[jumps up] Squid...!

Squidward

Why did I say that?

SpongeBob

[jumps up] Ward!

Squidward

[pulls down the curtain on the window but then hears the phone ring and answers it] Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob

Help!

Squidward

[comes into the kitchen to see what's going on] What?!

SpongeBob

Ahhhhhh!

Squidward

What are you screaming about?!

SpongeBob

[jumps on Squidward's head] Sea urchin! Geh...

[screaming] Mr. Krabs!

[enters] What's all the ruckus?!

SpongeBob

There's an urchin in the kitchen!

What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is a standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. [holds up his claw and notices the urchin on him and screams. The urchin jumps off his tongue and then he jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward. The urchin continues to crawl around making strange noises. The grill then starts to smoke] The grill is still on... isn't it?

[scream and jump into bathroom stalls, and into the toilets] Ah...

Squidward

Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! [walks down further into the alley] This time!

Hey! You! [starts walking toward Squidward]

Squidward

Let me give him a taste! A mere morsel of what's in store! [karate chops] Hi-yah! [kicks] Hi-yah! [flips] Hi-yah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! [the man walks closer] Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! [the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily] Okay buddy, I warned ya! [near a trash can] I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hi-yah! [kicks the trash can toward the man]

What? [gets hit on the head by the trash can] Ow!

Squidward

[laughs] How do you like them apples? Wah! [punches a crate at the man]

Oh! Ow!

Squidward

[holding two wooden planks] Hah! Feel my wrath! [throws them] How's your uncle?!

[gets hit on the head by one of the planks] Ow! [the other hits him on the stomach] Ow!

Squidward

And as my finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! He-yah! [spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]

Oh... hey, man! Wha-what was that for? [holding Squidward's groceries] I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!

Squidward

[takes the groceries] Uh, oh.

SpongeBob

Sandy! I found him! He's over here! [holding the belt] You forgot your belt silly! [looks at the man and gasps]

Sandy

Gosh! What happened to you?

SpongeBob

This guy's been... ka-rah-tayed!

Sandy

After all I said about never using karate for revenge?

SpongeBob

For shame, Squidward. For shame.

Sandy

Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. [takes the belt] Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. [walks off with SpongeBob]

Squidward

Whatever! I'm still a karate master!

Wow, really? You are? [walks Squidward to the police car]

Squidward

Yes I am!

Hey watch your head. [Squidward gets into the police car. Then John gets into it] Oh, I'd never guess it.

Squidward

And what is that supposed to mean?

Oh, uh... nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the midsection...

Squidward

Okay, already! I get it! [notices the handcuffs on him] What? Wait a second. Am I under arrest?

You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent... [Squidward screams loudly] ...or not silent. [drives off as the episode ends]

SpongeBob

Psst! Hey, Sheldon!

SpongeBob?! What in the sea shell are you doing here?!

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs arranged for me to work here on weekends. He wants me to keep an eye on you!

Excuse me. Doesn't this count as "cruel and unusual punishment"?

Pipe down, pipsqueak!

SpongeBob

[takes out a toy baton] Look! They even gave me a training baton! [keeps tapping Plankton with it]

SpongeBob

How much do we need?

Careful, SpongeBob! Just two drops and that stuff could-

SpongeBob

Got it. Two dro- [Squeezes out some drops in the barrel. A loud explosion occurs and SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are smeared in black and their faces are blown up.]

-blow our faces off.

Good morning, gentlemen. [SpongeBob and Patrick scream]

Patrick

We've been rumbled! Run! Scatter! Scamper! Save yourself!

What's all this about? [walks backwards to alarm button, SpongeBob pulls off ski mask.] May I help you with anything, sir?

SpongeBob

Ah. Yes, I need to make a withdrawal. I need to withdraw one Mr. Krabs!

I assure you, Mr. SquarePants, we've received no such deposit. [opens vault]

I've gotcha now, money sucker! That does it, Lizard-breath! It's you or me, now! Just you and me! [wrestles the vacuum, and breaks it. Laughs evilly] Ooh! I conquered the money dragon! Victory! Woo!

Security! [security throws them out] And don't forget your… eh… deposit. [tosses penny at Mr. Krabs]

You know, boyo. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned a little something about greed. A little something about isolation. Heh. Even a little something about love. And you know what I realized through it all?

SpongeBob

That you can't put a price on freedom?

Barnacles no, boy! I realized that they didn't pay interest on me deposit! [shakes fist] Hey, you cheapskates! Give me me interest! [a penny is thrown at Mr. Krabs] Well. What do you know? I doubled me money. [laughs as the episode ends]

SpongeBob, before we're torn to shreds, I'd like to thank you for helping me look for Spot.

SpongeBob

Aw, it was nothing. Hey, speaking of Spots. Did yo always have a double pupil?

A double what? [pulls Spot off eye] Spot! [dramatic music plays in the background] Thank entropy you're safe! You were hiding on my optical cornea the whole time! You sneaky little amoeba, you.

SpongeBob

Aw, I'm glad you found Spot. [animals shrieking] Unfortunately, the animals found us too.

Good-bye, Spot. I guess this is the end of the road for us.

Spot, no!

SpongeBob

Wow, Spot! You saved us!

I taught him everything he knows!

SpongeBob

That thing's eating Squidward!

Patrick

Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! [starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]

SpongeBob

Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. [he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward] Okay! I think you got it! [sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. [The Fisherman costume growls at them]

Squidward

Huh?

[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]

Gary

Meow. [starts sleeping on the costume]

SpongeBob

Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise. Time to wrap it up.

Oohh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! [laughs]

SpongeBob

Now wait just a minute, that is private property! Maybe you guys should leave!

Oh yeah? [ghost vomits]

SpongeBob

Do I have to call-- [gets vomited on] Eww... ectoplasm.

Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? [ghosts chant as SpongeBob gasps. Ghosts destroy the Krusty Krab]

You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! [ghosts continue partying inside as he gets slimed on]

Patrick

That good enough for ya? [SpongeBob screams]

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help!

Patrick

Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building. [screams and starts running]

Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversin' with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! [ghosts laughs] Batter up! H'ya! [whacks ghosts into bubble as a ghost roars] Yeah, and go back in which ye came! [pops bubble]

SpongeBob

Hi, Mr. Krabs--

Never hold a séance, boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave!