KKenny
[takes out the oxygen tank and throws it on the ground] This gets real uncomfortable after a while. [breathes in. His face turns blue. He runs to the oxygen tank]
SpongeBob[enters the bathroom with a Krabby Patty on a plate] Sorry to bother you, Mr. the Cat, but I thought you'd just like a bite to... [drops the patty in shock] Whoa!
KKenny
[breathes through the oxygen tank and sighs. SpongeBob starts to panic] Good thing I've got this oxygen tank and mask, or otherwise there's no way I'd be able to hold my breath for this long.
SpongeBob
[camera zooms in to his heart which has a face similar to his. It loses a tooth and eye, then breaks] How could you, Kenny?! You broke my heart! Here I was this entire time believing your act, only to discover that it was nothing but... an act!
KKenny
But it's not what you think!
SpongeBob
There's no room for thoughts now. Only for tears. [runs away, sobbing]
KKenny
SpongeBob, wait! [trips over the oxygen tank, and uses it again]
SpongeBob
[as he enters, the Krusty Krab, he notices Squidward] Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?! [Old Man Jenkins appears to be hanging from the razor-wires on SpongeBob, and groans]
[appears] What are you doing, boy?! You're scaring all me customers with your foul stench!
SpongeBob
[hugs Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs!
[pushes SpongeBob off of him] Oh no, lad, you're not coming in here looking like that! [shot of SpongeBob looking like a wreck] You're going straight home for a nice long bubble bath! [Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob outside]
SpongeBob
[sadly] Aye-aye, sir. [walks away]
What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing!
Yes it is. And consequently, you are just neat as a pin! Now get to work!
I'm as neat as a pin? I'll show you neat as a pin! [he runs outside, and gets himself dirty by rolling in dirt, ripping off his shirt, and pouring dirt on his head] Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?! [Mr. Krabs sprays Squidward with a hose]
There you go! [a truck passes by and drives over a puddle, spraying Squidward, who is already laying in the puddle, with more water] Now get to work! [Sal exits out of his truck]
SSal
Uh, you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free!"
Oh no! It says "Buy one for a fee!"
SSal
Oh! I stand corrected! [Mr. Krabs and Sal walk off-screen, leaving Squidward in the puddle, as the episode ends]
[checks his mirror which says, "Objects in Mirror Will Be Expensive." mirror pans to The Krusty Krab entrance and a sign saying "Broken Wall" appears] Oh, broken wall. [a sign saying "$15,000" appears] That's about $5,000. [the mirror pans to the inside of The Krusty Krab where smoke is coming out of the kitchen window and a sign saying "Kitchen Fire" appears] Oh, kitchen fire. [a sign saying "$6,523.87" appears] Oh, that'll be about 6 grand. Oh! A lawsuit? [mirror pans to Squidward hitting Harold on the head with a spatula and a sign saying "Lawsuit" appears along with a sign saying "$150,000,000,000."] Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! Oh. [his eyes deflate, but they quickly return back to normal]
[bubble transition to the boat breaking a "One Way" sign as Mr. Krabs gasps, then screams with SpongeBob as SpongeBob drives the wrong way on the road, avoiding other boats and a gasoline truck. The boat then goes out of control for a few seconds before stopping on the road again]
SpongeBob
Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time. [chuckles nervously. The scene cuts to the other boats that were avoiding Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob crashing into the Krusty Krab, including the gasoline truck which destroys the Krusty Krab in a fiery explosion and leaving a charred Squidward left standing]
[quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book] Let's see here. Friends. [coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs] [while looking through the phone book] Friends, friends... [keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717". Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs] Hm. Yeah. I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing? No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... [reveals more of the card that says...] "TONIGHT!"? [walks around the house] Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? [sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope] But, of course! It's so simple. [runs outside. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope] SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
SpongeBob
[happily blinks his eyes to the camera] Of course, I'll go to the opening with you!
That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go?
[The pen is hurling towards Simmy]
SpongeBob
[in slow motion, he runs to Simmy] Simmy, look out! There's a candied pen heading straight for your eye due to my act of swatting it away without first considering the trajectory! Oh, I wish I could give my words out faster, but everything's in slow motion! [The pen is about to hit Simmy] NO! [However, instead of hitting Simmy, it went through the robot. The pen lands on the ground and rolls to a projector. SpongeBob bangs on the projector, revealing that Simmy and Tally was just a trash can and a ball wash post] Simmy and Tally are holograms? Then that means... [The projector reveals that the world's most exciting roller coaster was actually a rotting corpse of a sea monster]
I was riding that? What about those delicacies I was eating?
[The projector reveals that the food Squidward ate was just rotten chum. The projector also revealed that the pen he was sucking on was a caterpillar. Squidward freaks out and rubs his tongue in disgust. The projector reveals that the van Plankton drove on was an old broken down van. Mr. Krabs gasps in wonder what the stuffed walruses were. But nothing happens.]
Whew! That was a clo... [The projector reveals that the stuffed walruses were actually fish skeletons. Mr. Krabs screams in terror and the skeletons crumble to dust] You saved me, boy. How did you do it?
SpongeBob
I guess my mind was all sharp from the relaxing fun I had at your company picnic, Mr. Krabs.
[walks up to them] Unbelievable! [Mr. Krabs picks Plankton up] Uh-oh. [Mr. Krabs puts Plankton on the disk-shaped paper with mustard and throws him out in the distance. Once it landed, there was an explosion]
SpongeBob
[jumps up as a rainbow appears and jellyfish fly around] The greatest company picnic ever!
Alright, enough relaxing. Back to work! [laughs as he leaves]
[The episode ends with SpongeBob still being in the air and an angry Squidward gets stung in the head by a jellyfish]
Welcome, gamers! And behold! [thunderclaps] My game!
[Patrick's game board is made out of random board games and is shaped like Patrick himself]
SpongeBob
It's beautiful!
[yawns] Are we finished? Who won? [Sandy, disgusted by Squidward's rude behavior, nudges him, much to Squidward's annoyance]
[laughs] No, my friend. We have only just begun.
What's it called, Patrick?
Might I suggest "Garbage"? [Sandy growls at Squidward] What?
SpongeBob
Yeah, Patrick. What's it called?
[As Patrick thinks, Mini Brain Patrick pushes a light bulb out of his head and it lights up.]
It's called... "Patrick!!" [thunderclaps]
SpongeBob
Wow!
Could we just get started already? I'm late for my coma. [still annoyed by Squidward, Sandy zips Squidward's mouth shut]
SpongeBob
Hey, Squidward, you finally understand the rules!
Oh, I get the rules alright. The rules are that it doesn't matter what anybody rolls! You can just make up whatever it means! [takes the dice and rolls them] So I could just roll the dice and say, "Automatic Winner!"
SpongeBob
Good job, Squidward! You've won!
Huh? Oh, you know what, you're right. That was a good play.
Not so fast! [writes on his rule card] No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner."
You did it again. [becomes furious] You made up another rule! THIS GAME IS THE WORST! STUPID GAME! [Infuriated with Patrick's constant rules, he attacks Patrick. SpongeBob and Sandy run off while he grabs Patrick's game board and shakes it off of Patrick. Then he throws Patrick in the air and when Patrick landed, the game breaks in half. Squidward then puts a piece of the game board in his mouth and shakes his head like a dog. He stomps on it with both feet out of insane anger. However, the police arrives at the scene]
HSHighway Speed Patrol
Destruction to private property. [Patrick, who's visibly enraged at Squidward for destroying his game, writes on his rule card and gives it to the police. Squidward tries to walk away but Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol follow him] Oh, and I see here you are a repeat offender. You're going to real jail. [he and Nancy O'Malley grab Squidward and throw him in the police car]
Anything to get out of this game! Thanks, Officers! [however, the blue cellmate comes back inside the box]
BCBlue Cellmate
Welcome back!
Somebody say my name! [the police car drives away]
[appears on a game board box; to the viewers] GAME OVER!
[the episode ends]
[The episode begins with many customers at the Krusty Krab while Squidward is awakened from his normal nap when Mr. Krabs makes an announcement.]
Listen up, crew, I have an announcement. Bikini Bottom's newest sports stadium will officially be named after this restaurant!
SpongeBob
"The Krusty Krab Stadium." Wow!
Paying for the naming rights, will make me millions!
SpongeBob
[grabs a foam hand and a pennant] Opening day is today! Tailgate party! [running past Mr. Krabs]
[he pulls SpongeBob back] Not for you! Your tails have to stay here and pay me back some of that money I spent.
SpongeBob
[grabs a green foam hat] Hurray for Mr. Krabs!
While I'm gone, Squidward mans the helm. [leaves the restaurant]
CHCharlton Hawkfish
This is what you get when so-called fish kind in all its hubris and ignorance stoop so low... [points to Mr. Krabs and Crupski] ...as to cut corners in its plumbing system! Extinction is the result of being cheap!
What a bunch of malarkey.
CHCharlton Hawkfish
At least we didn't waken the great sewer snake. [sees the sewer snake behind him as he looks up] Check that.
[All of the customers run out of the stadium upon seeing the sewer snake, but Charlton does not go back down. He throws the axe, pulls up he sleeves, and runs heroically towards the snake. However, he has an idea on how to defeat it. He points to his nose.]
SSSewer Snake
[with a squeaky voice] Uh-oh.
[Charlton pokes the snake with his pointy nose and the snake yelps and flies around like a balloon and falls back through the hole and into the sewers. Back at the Krusty Krab, the toilet erupts with water and floods the restroom. The water bursts out of the restroom with the safe covered in filth. The safe is opened by Squidward who along with SpongeBob are covered in sewage.]
Hey, everybody. The cook's back from the toilet.
SpongeBob
Who's hungry?
[All customers then burst out from the Krusty Krab, screaming and freaking out, as the episode ends.]
SpongeBob
I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning.
Shh! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema.
SpongeBob
Oh! Hey Squidward! Hey, do you understand what this movie is about?
Nobody does, it's art, now sit down!
SpongeBob
Hey Squidward?
SpongeBob
Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise? It's very important because the heat..
[really loud] PLEASE SIT DOWN!
MTMovie Theater Attendant
[shines a flashlight in Squidward's face] I'm sorry sir, you're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave.
[grumbling as he is walking away]
SpongeBob
Oh, wait, Squidward, I'll walk you out. [Squidward continues to grumble as he exits the theater] Squidward!
[The scene changes to the Krusty Krab late at night. SpongeBob is happily flipping the patties on the grill.]
Well, that was the last customer, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
[places his two spatulas in his pockets] Oh, what a great day.
And you know why it was a great day? Because Krabs never even showed up!
[The scene changes to Larry's gym getting ready to open up for the morning. Larry is walking by the steam room until he sees steam coming out.]
Huh? [sniffs] What is that smell? [jiggles the doorknob] Mr. Krabs, how long have you been in there?!
[Larry pulls the door off and sees Mr. Krabs as a cooked up crab on a plate with melted butter and lemons on the side, meaning that he had been in the steam room too long.]
I think I'm done! Would you mind rubbin' a little butter on me? [the episode ends]
SpongeBob, you old patty junkie! Welcome home son! [SpongeBob glances at Patrick]
It's okay, I hate work anyway. [everyone laughs]
SpongeBob
Oh, Patrick!
No really, I do hate work! [everyone laughs even harder, even Patrick starts laughing] Everybody's laughing! Oh hey SpongeBob, I got something for ya!
SpongeBob
Yes, Patrick?
[Patrick gives SpongeBob two thumbs-ups, as well as SpongeBob. The crowd cheers, SpongeBob's and Patrick's thumbs launch into the air, and explode and the episode ends]
SpongeBob
Looks like you sponges have everything covered.
MTMe Two
Mm-hmm! [suddenly turns pale]
SpongeBob
Hey, you don't look so good. Can I take you home? Where do you live?
MTMe Two
I came from the Chum Bucket.
SpongeBob
[realizing] The Chum Bucket?
♪I'm going to know the formula! I'm going to know the formula...♪
SpongeBob
Plankton! [Plankton halts before him] Me Two says you made him in a copy machine, so that you could steal the secret formula!
Well, that's pattonly ridiculous!
SpongeBob
You’ve gotta help him! I think he's sick or something.
MTMe Two
[scrunching up] I feel funnyyyy...
[Suddenly, Me Two rolls up like a paper roll in mid-air and disappears from existence]
SpongeBob
ME TWO, ME TWO! Oh! What happened to him?!
I was afraid of that. I thought I'd save some money by using cheap toner.
SpongeBob
What does that mean?
It means my plan is ruined! All the SpongeBob copies will fade away now!
SpongeBob
[shocked] Fade away...? All my brand new friends?! [crying] NOOO! THEY CAN'T!! [cries; runs inside and talks to a clone mopping] NO! DON'T DISAPPEAR!
[The clone also turns grey, scrunches and rolls up, and disappears like Me Two; SpongeBob cries harder]
[to a clone] Quickly, man! Before you fade, what's the formula?!
SCSpongeBob Copy
It's easy. You take one par -- Whoa! I don't feel so good... [turns grey, rolls up, disappears]
Wait, no! [to a clone carrying dishes] You, the formula?! [the clone also disappears; to a clone dusting a table] The formula?! [that clone disappears; to a clone at the register] The formula?! [he disappears; to a clone flipping patties] The formula?! [he disappears; a patty hits him] Ouch!
[He runs to several clones in the restaurant; SpongeBob keeps crying over losing his friends]
The formula, the formula, the formula?!
[They all disappear. Scene cuts to a bunch of other copies cleaning the roof, mowing the lawn, and some other things but they disappear. Then the scene cuts to Patrick playing with some of the copies but they disappear also.]
Life is but a walking shadow. Ha-lube-lube-lube-lube-lube... [Stopped because he gets hit by a lawnmower and gets split into 9 mini copies of himself. Scene transitions to Plankton running over to the final copy.]
What's the formula?! [Mr. Krabs enters.]
Well, I did it. I calculated 1 paycheck down into 300 separate tiny checks. Only one of you left? Here.
[The final clone disappears]
[Squidward presents himself at SpongeBob's home, dressed up in typical German clothes, in order to convince him that a German family has moved there]
[with a German accent] Ehm... German hello...?
SpongeBob
ACH! Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob
Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. Ich bin gekommen, um meine alte Heimat zu besuchen. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob. I came to visit my old home.)
Please, would you speaken Sie English? I need za practice...
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
