Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our play date!
SpongeBobOh, I can't wait...
Abrasive SpongeBob
...to ditch you...
SpongeBob
...'cause you're my best friend...
Abrasive SpongeBob
...so beat it, tubby, I don't care for your company!
SpongeBob
Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun?
I don't know! [cries and runs home]
SpongeBob
[walks into his house and looks in the mirror] That's weird. I wonder what's wrong with Patrick.
Abrasive SpongeBob
Don't you remember? We told that pink freak to beat it! In fact, we've already insulted all of your rotten friends, and no one will hang out with you, 'cause you have no friends left, Mr. LoserBob LonelyPants!
[last lines; SpongeBob at Grandma's]
SpongeBob
Grandma? Hello. Grandma, I'm sorry about earlier. So, what do ya say? Can we discuss forgiveness over a cup of your famous hot cocoa?
SGrandma SquarePants
Oh, my sweet, I would love to whip that up for you right after you...
AAbrasive Grandma
Make your own hot cocoa! I'm busy! [thunder clap; cut to the exterior of Grandma's house]
SpongeBob
[yells offscreen] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SpongeBob
Hey, buddy, what are you cleaning for?
‘Cause I'm expecting some very important company.
SpongeBob
Who's that?
SpongeBob
Wow, I didn't know you had a sister!
[the music stops abruptly as he drops the mop and starts to look sad] Nobody does. [starts tearing up] I lost her in the surf when we were kids.
SpongeBob
Gee, I'm sorry, Patrick.
Sam took care of me when I was just nursing on coral. She was my rock! [sniffles; bursts into tears, sobbing in despair]
SpongeBob
It's gonna be okay. You're gonna see her again today right today? Come on, cheer up, buddy. Hey, I'll make sure her visit here will be extra super special, no matter what!
Thanks, man, you're right. I can't wait to make up for our lost years!
[Sam walks towards Patrick and SpongeBob. She is revealed to be large, incredibly muscular starfish, with large temper]
[grabs Patrick by the neck and breathes in his face] Brubber! [hugs him]
Sis! [Sam starts hugging Patrick very tightly] It's so good to see you.
You. Sister Sam. Have much catch up to do. [accidentally catapults Patrick into his rock]
Wow, you pack a wallop, sis. [introduces SpongeBob to Sam] Sam, this is my best friend SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
Yeah, Patrick and I go back a long way. [both giggling] Yeah, long way, heh heh, go back.
[eyes bug out] Yellow square touch brubber! [grabs SpongeBob] Make sister Sam MAD! [launches SpongeBob in the air]
[Sam builds a new bigger house made of sand for Patrick. After finishing, she takes the antenna off of Patrick's rock and puts it onto a sand rock]
Sister Sam loves to make rock for brubber.
Well, make rock somewhere else. My house is full of sand.
If Big Nose no like sand, Big Nose move! [pushes Squidward's house away]
This is way beyond my property line. Hey, Patrick, that oaf makes a better bulldozer than a sister! [laughs] Construction humor.
SpongeBob
No, no, don't be upset with Squidward. He doesn't mean it, don't you, Squidward?
Oh, I mean it, alright. She's a big buffoon, like Patrick. Except bigger, and dumber, and buffoonier. [Sam starts huffing]
SpongeBob
[scared] Oh, Squidward, you jokester. [Sam keeps huffing]
Do you think she looks a little miffed?
[huffs angrily, then starts crying] Those boys mean! They pick on Sister Sam!
Shame on you two! Look what you've done!
[Sam cries so hard that her tears fling Squidward and SpongeBob. Squidward falls face first into the sand and SpongeBob falls onto a seahorse-shoe toss pole]
TTuck
Golly-doo-diddley, Clem, that was a nice toss!
Weren't me, Tuck. My money's on the little missy over yonder.
Aww, hey, sis, don't listen to those meanies. Hey, the new rock is looking kinda boring. What do you say we decorate it?
[sniffles and smiles] Blecorate?
You can call it whatever you like, sis, just as long as we make it spiffy!
[Squidward empties sand out of head]
[walks up to Squidward's house] Make new house spiffy. [takes the window off of Squidward's house] Spiffy!
Hey, you can't do that! That's my window!
[puts the window onto the antenna on a sand rock and laughs] Blecorate.
Oh no, that's definitely not the spirit, Patrick. Your sister is out of control!
Hey, ya just mind your own business and let us «blecorate» in peace!
You can blecor---- decorate until the sea cows come home for all I care, just do not use my property to do it! [takes off the antennae-window and stammers as he stops to look at something in shock]
[dismantles more part from Squidward's house and puts it on the sand rock] More spiffy!
But that's from... [looks at his somewhat horribly dismantled house] MY HOUSE! That's it! I have had my fill of this thieving brute!
Well, how dare you call my sister a thief, just 'cause she took some of your things...
SpongeBob
Easy now, gents, let's not let tempers flare. Now don't you think, Patrick, that it's a teensie bit unfair that sister Sam dismantled Squidward's house?
No, I don't. Not even a teensie, eensie, teensie bit. I see now that not only have you turned against my sister, you've turned on your best friend as well! [cries]
SpongeBob
It's not like that at all, Patrick. I was just-
[sees her brother crying] Shush! Meanies make brubber's eyes water! [grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] Meanies go home! [headbutts them to their homes]
Come on, sis. They can't bother us under our rock.
Meanies is mean. [the sand rock closes]
[after stopping Squidward by throwing a bulldozer that destroys SpongeBob's house] That'll teach those meanies.
You're still my rock, big sis.
SpongeBob
[upset] Patrick, I think your sister's temper is getting out of control.
[annoyed] SpongeBob, why are you still saying mean things about Sam?!
SpongeBob
[still upset] She destroyed my house in a fit of rage! She needs to control her temper!
[realizes] Well, I guess she can get a little carried away.
[angry and confused] What Patrick doing? Why Patrick talk to meanies?
[nervously] Well, it's about your temper, Sam.
[furious] No have temper! This makes sister Sam SO MAD! Sister Sam put on mean face! [turns face around with an angrier face] Now smash brubber house! [picks up the sand rock]
Not the rock! [jumps on the sand rock while Sam pummels it]
[slams the ground and yells in fury. Her regular face then sees Patrick hurt and unconscious. Sam realizes that her aggressive behavior causes her younger brother to get hurt] Patrick? Little brubber? Little brubber? Little brubber no wake!
SpongeBob
Patrick? [takes out cookie dough]
[sniffs it and eats it as he wakes up] Cookie dough!
Patrick okay! Sister Sam feel bad. Sorry she hurt Patrick. Should protect little brubber. She go now. [walks away]
Sis, no, hold on! Aw, don't feel sad. You don't have to go!
Yes, Sister Sam must go. Late for manicure. [elephant trumpet sound is heard as a close-up of her fingernails is shown; hugs Patrick tightly again] Bye, brubber!
[bus drives up and she punches another hole, but next to the door. The bus leaves]
Gee, isn't my sister something?
SpongeBob
Aww, she's something, alright! [laughs, ending the episode]
SpongeBob
Okay everyone, say goodbye to the worst thing that's happened to this town since 97 cent stores.
EEveryone
Yeah! [SpongeBob tries to break the highway with the tractor, but it just stopped]
Good effort, Spongedope, but you can't tear up my highway, it's indestructible!
LLLarry Lobster
Not if we have anything to do with it!
SpongeBob
Larry Lobster!
LLLarry Lobster
That's right, pal, but that's not all. [Sandy walks out from the crowd, waving]
SpongeBob
Sandy Squirrel! [Mrs. Puff walks out of the crowd] Mrs. Puff! [Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy both walk out from the crowd] Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy! [Patrick walks walk out from the crowd] Patrick!
SpongeBob
And Squidward! [Squidward doesn't walk out from the crowd]
F3Fish 3
Nope, that's everybody!
LLLarry Lobster
Push! [He, Patrick, Mrs. Puff, Mermaid Man, Barnacle Boy and Sandy push] Harder! [They push harder]
SpongeBob
Harder still!
F3Fish 3
You heard the little square guy, yeah! [Everybody lines up behind the tractor and pushes it]
Wait! I didn't count on all of you working together! [Everybody pushes hard enough that the highway breaks!] My highway! Stop! YOU CAN'T! [Plankton gets crushed by the tractor!]
EEveryone
YEAH! [The arch over the Krusty Krab breaks down in a pile of dust and the smog clears]
SpongeBob
[Singing] Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!
SpongeBob
Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, everyone sing along!
EEveryone
[Singing] Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly, it's the jellyfishing song!
EEveryone
Jelly lelly lelly jelly, jelly lelly lelly jelly everyone sing! [The camera zooms out and we cut to the Jellyfish Fields ranger]
RRanger
[bored voice] Everyone sing along. [switches the "closed" sign to "open," and then walks away]
Oh, Krabsy, after tea, I think a full tentacle massage would be an order.
I ain't touching your tentacles with a 10-ft...
[on phone] Hello, Office Workers Safety Department... [Mr. Krabs jumps at Squidward ripping the phone out of his hand, then eats it]
[chuckles nervously] I'll go get the massage oil now. [runs inside; cut to the storage room] Boy, ya got anything?
SpongeBob
Not yet, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs groans; takes a bucket of fry grease]
[clearing throat] I'm waiting!
SpongeBob
This just isn't adding up.
SpongeBob
We must be missing something. Patrick, we're going to need help even more expert than you. [cut to inside the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs massages Squidward's tentacles using the fry grease]
SpongeBob
This one's for all the marbles.
But I thought we weren't betting.
SpongeBob
No, I mean whoever wins this hole wins the game. [Squidward wakes up and takes off his blindfold to see SpongeBob and Patrick talking]
[muffled] What's going on here? [SpongeBob and Patrick are about to hit their balls.] Ahh!!!
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
[they shoot, landing the ball in Gary's food bowl, spilling on him] Hole in one! [Squidward sits up]
SpongeBob
[softly] Good morning.
[muffled and stammering] Wha-What? [his mouth is shown, with no dentures]
SpongeBob
Hey, Squidward, what happened to your dentures? [scene cuts to Gary, with Squidward's dentures in his bowl]
[as he and SpongeBob leave Squidward's house] Good game, pal.
SpongeBob
Rematch next Saturday?
Rain or shine, SpongeBob. Rain or shine.
[It stops raining, focusing on Squidward's house, which collapses.]
SpongeBob
[panting] Boating...safety...
[Patrick crashes together a pair of cymbals, causing SpongeBob to lose his balance and fall off the treadmill while still holding the handlebars]
Come on, SquarePants. Is this the best you can do?
SpongeBob
Patrick, I don't think this is working.
[The treadmill's motion grinds SpongeBob into a pile of dust on the floor]
[shouts] SPEECH! [startled, SpongeBob jumps up in his normal form. Patrick continues yelling the same word repeatedly, making SpongeBob even more nervous] SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! [his eyes are now talking] SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEECH! SPEE-
SpongeBob
Patrick, stop! Somehow, you're help just isn't helping. I am even more nervous about this oral report than I've ever been about anything. [shivers]
White knuckles, leaky pores, stomach in knots... Y-yep. He looks pretty bad. SpongeBob, you're afflicted with severe Oral Report-itis! You know, patients with this disease have been known to physically explode. KER-POW!!!
SpongeBob
[shrieks]
It has been scientifically proven that 85% of speech related stress can be eliminated if the speaker imagines the audience in their underwear. Everyone will look so silly, you won't even remember you're nervous! Which is why I invented these: Goggles that let you see people in their undies. Or, I could just make you a fake boating license.
SpongeBob
That's still illegal. Give me the goggles. [tries them on] It's not working.
Well, of course it isn't, silly! I'm only wearing my undies. See if they work on Patrick.
SpongeBob
[looks at Patrick and jumps] Eh. Yeah, they work.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
