SpongeBobYou know, if I were to die right now in some sort of fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend, well, that would just be okay. [Squidward tears up until he hears a burping sound by SpongeBob] Huh? [SpongeBob burps again]Wow, it feels like something just dropped into my lower intestine. [smells the aroma] Hey, smells like cherry. Or maybe grape. Blueberry? [the sun starts to go down] Here it is, the sunset! I always love to count it down. Five... You do the rest, buddy.
Four... three... two... one... [nothing happens]
SpongeBob
I guess we started too early! Let's start again!
Five... four... three... [an explosion is heard from behind the wall] ...two... [crying] ...one! Well, at least l was able to make his last few hours meaningful. [sighs] I am such a good person. [another explosion is seen behind the wall but this time, it knocks the brick wall down with black smoke on top of Squidward, revealing SpongeBob, still alive and well, blowing some bomb-shaped bubbles with black smoke and the bubble explodes]
SpongeBob
Hey, Squidward, check this out!
What the?! I-I thought you... [babbles angrily]
SpongeBob
Squidward, we played babble like an idiot!
SpongeBob
Well, since we finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. [holds up a book that says "Friends 4 Ever"] I already filled up this book of ideas! We should be able to finish by January.
FORGET THE BOOK! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you, doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to EXPLODE!
SpongeBob
You want me to explode?
Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!
SpongeBob
Um... okay, I'll try. [strains himself] GARY! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT! [laughs] Now it's your turn.
[yells, hops up and down furiously] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!
SpongeBob
[claps] Ooh, good one.
NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]
SpongeBob
Why would I do that?
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!
SpongeBob
What pie?
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it, th... that pie!
SpongeBob
Pie...? [realizes; takes out the exploding pie from before] Oh! You mean this pie! [Squidward is shocked] I was saving it in my pocket for us to share. Let's eat! [walks forward and trips on a rock] Oops! [the pie flies into Squidward's face in slow-motion, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]
[the town is now decimated] Ouch. [fade to black, episode ends]
You can't do this to me, Krabs. [Mr. Krabs blows Plankton back to the Chum Bucket] I went to college! [crashes into his restaurant] Ouch.
RKRobot Krabs
Okay, now let's hear that formula.
SpongeBob
Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.
RKRobot Krabs
[his eyes are now on fire] Whaaaaaaaat???
[cut to inside of robot] But we did everything you said - I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! [holds up a straw]
RKRobot Krabs
Now why can't you tell me the formula?
SpongeBob
It's your rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in [holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it] ...this bottle. [Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]
[inside the robot] This is it, Plankton. [pushes a lever] Gently now... [continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in, and he gasps, including SpongeBob and the guy on the penny]
How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli.
SpongeBob, no! Don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!
RKRobot Krabs
Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. [exhaust pipe smokes]
Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk!
RKRobot Krabs
Who are you callin' steam-driven...?
SpongeBob
[yelling in frustration] Quiet! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, [holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine] nobody gets hurt.
KRMr. Krabs and Robot Krabs
Tartar sauce?!
Take it easy with that thing, son. Ahh!
SpongeBob
[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms] I'll do the talkin' around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.
[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried] Okay, then.
SpongeBob
First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?
RKRobot Krabs
[beats Mr. Krabs to it] 9:30 A.M.
SpongeBob
Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's one strike, Mr. Fake.
SpongeBob
Nuh-uh-uh! I'm runnin' this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. [while rubbing the hose nozzle] Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?
SpongeBob
On Wednesday...
SpongeBob
Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phony right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this - if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?
That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's...uh...if it's January...with...with vanilla pudding...you...uh...pass? [gets shot with tartar sauce]
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob
We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.
SpongeBob
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!
Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
SpongeBob
Why?! Why?! He was so young!
We’ll never forget you, Wormy!
Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."
SpongeBob
You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!
CCharlie
No. Especially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS! [group laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh...
GGroup
[annoyed] ALL RIGHT ALREADY!
Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.
SpongeBob
Really? You do, Squidward?
You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.
SpongeBob
You're right, Patrick.
Have I ever not been right? [The scene cuts to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.
SpongeBob
Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.
Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] And say 'tax exemption'.
SpongeBob
Tax exemption.
Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.
["Pressure Point" by Duncan Lamont plays, with SpongeBob and Patrick having serious expressions on their faces while listening]
Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!
GGrandma
I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? [Patrick yawns] You still here, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob
Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.
GGrandma
[puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.
SpongeBob
Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, I'll see ya later.
GGrandma
Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob
Yep, that is it. Here I go.
GGrandma
Come again if you get the chance.
SpongeBob
[opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.
SpongeBob
I don't know when I'll be back.
GGrandma
I know how busy you are.
SpongeBob
So, that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]
GGrandma
Shh, he's asleep.
SpongeBob
So long... [SpongeBob slowly closes the door of grandma's house, but then slams it with a sad look on his face. He starts throwing a tantrum] I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I want cookies! [holds a big cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face] And milky! [holds a giant milk bottle, then comes up with a sweater] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diapers! [comes up with a diaper on and puts some baby powder into it] I wanna ride in my wagon! [rides in a wagon, then holds a big teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rockey-rock my seahorsey! [rocks on his wooden seahorse with a hat and a lollipop] And I want a kissy on my boo-boo! [shows his bruised finger. He starts crying hysterically. He lies on the floor and cries while slamming his fists against the ground and then rolls like a wheel. Grandma looks at him sadly. SpongeBob then sits on the floor as his eyes pour tears into his mouth. Grandma thinks for a second. SpongeBob then starts crying like a sprinkler, flooding the entire house]
GGrandma
Take it easy, SpongeBob! [picks up SpongeBob, who is still crying] SpongeBob? SpongeBob! [she holds SpongeBob's mouth, stopping him from crying] SpongeBob, you don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.
SpongeBob
[sniffs] I don't?
GGrandma
Of course not. [pushes a cork in the floor and all SpongeBob's tears drain out] No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. [hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie] Here you go. [SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]
SpongeBob
Thanks, Grandma. [bites the cookie] Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?
GGrandma
No problem. [hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing as the episode ends]
[at the gated borders of Tentacle Acres]
SpongeBob
Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?
[Patrick picks up a cake that reads, 'Sorry.' He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them]
SpongeBob
We're ready!
Ying. [SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom]
GGuard
Hello, can I help you?
[thinking it's a restaurant intercom] Can I get a large #1, extra size?
SpongeBob
But ya just ate three orders of fried oyster skins!
[unleashing a noxious gas cloud as he says this] I love fried oyster skins.
[cut to inside the control room, where the guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors]
GGuard
We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [a security guard walks up next to him] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? [the two smell Patrick's breath cloud as it wafts in through the speaker] FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh... [the two collapse, the first guard falling on a button opening the gate]
I guess we gotta order inside.
[Meanwhile, a group of octopuses are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them.]
SpongeBob
Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end]
PPoliceman
Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!
Stand back! I've got gardening tools! [the policeman hands him an envelope]
PPoliceman
Here! Just read this! [Squidward looks at it]
PPoliceman
A well thought out and organized list of complaints! [the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]
SpongeBob
Patrick, look! It's Squidward! [he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's] Squidward! We finally found you! [the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]
MOMale Octopus
Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! [pause]
Grievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color.
PPoliceman
F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. [Squidward, and the crowd, smile]
Hey, you're right! [the crowd members' smiles fade] And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! [meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]
SpongeBob
Are you Squidward?
MOMale Octopus
No. [he walks up to the croquet woman]
SpongeBob
Are you Squidward?
SSquidette
No. [Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]
Are you Squidward? [pause] That's okay, take your time. [SpongeBob walks up to him]
SpongeBob
Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile]
Freedom! Woo-hoo! [SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]
SpongeBob
Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. [the episode ends]
Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [takes a big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest, then sighs and wipes his face] I think I'll eat it now. [bites his hand accidentally] Ow! Huh? Where'd my candy bar go? I must have dropped it.
SpongeBob
You just ate it, Pat. It's all over your face.
[still looking] Where'd it go? I'm gonna starve. Where'd it go? I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks at SpongeBob] A-ha!
SpongeBob
What?
[angrily confronts SpongeBob] You stole my candy bar!
SpongeBob
No, I didn't.
Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief, always a thief.
SpongeBob
You ate yours, this is mine.
You took my only food! [feels his stomach] Now I'm gonna starve!
SpongeBob
[hands Patrick his candy bar] Here, Patrick, just take half of mine.
[ticked off] Yours?! You mean mine!
SpongeBob
Do you want it or what?!
[furiously grabs SpongeBob by the shirt] I don't want it unless you admit you took it!
SpongeBob
This is my candy bar!
Liar, liar, plants for hire.
SpongeBob
It's "pants on fire," Patrick.
[furiously crosses his arms and angrily pouts] Well, you would know... liar.
SpongeBob
Well, if you're going to be that way, I'll eat it myself!
[getting ticked off, fiercely gives SpongeBob a warning] You better not. I'm warning you! Don't! [High-pitched yelling] Stop it! Don't! [enraged] Ah! [covers his ears] Ah! [screaming and shaking his head, pulls his hair while screaming]
SpongeBob
[rips open the wrapper] Aaah... [opens his mouth wide and takes the candy bar closer to his mouth, swaying his tongue up and down, chomps lightly on the bar, puts the bar in his wide open mouth; his two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making strings of chocolate, puts the bar through his head and moves it left to right, licks the candy bar, slowly pushes the candy bar into his mouth and starts chewing]
[turns red in anger] You're a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon!
SpongeBob
[enraged] Did I, Patrick, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?!
[angrily stomp his foot down] Oh! That's it! First the balloon, now my candy bar... you're out of control! I'm... [menacingly threatens] I'm telling on you.
SpongeBob
[gasps] Not if I tell on you first!
BBlue Officer
If ya can't do the time, don't do the crime.
[They slam the jail door on SpongeBob and Patrick; two seconds later...]
BBlue Officer
Okay, time's up. [reopens the cell] Now get out!
SpongeBob
But... we stole a balloon.
BBlue Officer
Yeah, on Free Balloon Day!
[The officers laugh as SpongeBob and Patrick stare surprised.]
OOrange Officer
How about some lollipops for the road, boys? [gives 2 lollipops]
SpongeBob
Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again.
You said it! [the two cross their lollipops, but Patrick's is already eaten] All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop?
[They laugh; cuts to the island at night]
SpongeBob
Carefully... carefully? [Patrick smacks him]
Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!
SpongeBob
Pat, no! [Patrick rips a patch of Sandy's fur off with the tape, leaving a patch of bare skin. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep, SpongeBob sighs in relief] Pat, are you crazy? [He sees that Patrick has placed the fur on his forehead]
SpongeBob
Let me see that roll of tape.
Oh, look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! [With that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door. Patrick screams. Sandy walks over, completely hairless and in her bikini]
Hey, guys! [They climb off the door] [She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams in horror.]
SpongeBob
It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals. [Patrick removes the furry piece from his forehead, smiling fearfully. Sandy is really tickled off now.]
[growling with fury] SpongeBob! Patrick!
SpongeBob
Don't worry, Sandy. We've got you covered.
[He giggles nervously. Cut to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade, she giggles]
[giggles] More lemonade, boys? [pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob around Sandy's body as punishment for ripping her fur to keep them warm, in order to cover up her bald pink hide and keep her warm until her fur grows back. The two take a glass.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Thanks, Sandy.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
