[Lip comes downstairs to kitchen heavily bruised] Whoa, what happened to you?
One of my fighters pussied out. I had to fill in.
Looks like the pussy had the right idea. Get some ice on that eye.
[She comes downstairs] with a clipboard Good morning. We're out of mac and cheese. I can make PB&Js instead, but I'm gonna need more bread.
...
[Debbie pours herself a cup of coffee and Fiona objects pointing] Whoa, half a cup.
Exhausted. Liam had me up half the night banging his head. I need my own room. And I want a pony for Christmas. He's a boy, he should be with the boys.
No way, there's three of us in that room.
I'm a girl. I'm gonna be a woman soon. I need privacy to undergo the upcoming traumatic transformation.
Moving Liam into our room.
First daycare kid is here. My own room?
It's not gonna happen, Debs. Go, go.
Traumatic transformation?
[Ranting to Kevin at The Alibi] Eddie goes to the corner for a pack of Luckies, never heard from again. Goddamn city couldn't wait to stop paying him. Wasn't two weeks before the checks stopped coming. And now what are we supposed to live off of? Sheila's single disability check? Then they go and pat me down. How does Mr. Osama-Obama expect us to survive on that?
TThug
[Bragging to his social circle at a distant table] He's gonna try to Tase me.
If Sheila does go to work, what's she gonna make? Minimum wage at best. Nobody's heard from Eddie?
Not a word. Man's got no sense of responsibility. Leaving a family of three to fend for ourselves.
TThug
Yeah, I got tasered twice, man.
Uh... I said "bullshit". I got tasered for, like, a second, I crapped myself. There's no way you got tasered twice fought off three cops, ran away. Pfft.
TThug
What, you calling me a liar?!
At the very least, an exaggerator.
TThug
A grand says I did!
He's for real. Kev, you still got that taser back there? I'll see your grand and add nine more. Ten thousandin American legal tender says you cannot get tasered twice and not soil your tighty whities, much less keep standing.
TThug
All right, shithead. [Undoes his shirt] Do it. Do it! [Kevin tases him] Again! [Kevin tases him again] Fuck! [Thug is still standing unfazed]
TThug
Where's my ten grand, motherfucker?!
Hey, Justin Bieber, how's things at Goldman Sachs?
AAdam
Well enough for me to afford getting ripped off here. And it's J.P. Morgan.
All you mortgage-raping shits should be in prison anyway.
AAdam
I was in grad school during the mortgage crisis. Nowadays, we're trying to short Euros so Greece will go bankrupt. [To Fiona] Are we on for later?
I haven't decided if I still like you.
[Showing a couple of brochures] What the hell is this?!
You're going through my stuff now?!
Ian, you just graduated the tenth grade!
I wanted to see what it would take to get in.
What, to West Point? You're kidding me? You're actually serious about this shit?
Well, I was in ROTC for two years, so what do you think Lip?
I don't know, I thought it was some kind of stupid fucked up adolescent phase, I mean you really want to get your ass shot off in some-some Stan somewhere?
Yeah, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraqistan...
[Sheila is going for a morning walk and comes across a couple selling farm produce vegetables out of a van]
...
[Calling outside house to Frank sleeping on couch] Frank...! Wake up! Frank, come on, I have something wonderful to tell you. Hurry, I've had an epiphany! [Frank opens door to Sheila holding up an eggplant] Frank... Do you know what this is?
Not with all the king's vaseline.
Frank... Fuck you, Gallagher. I made it all the way to Manny's produce truck today-- 214 steps. I went to just do my extra ten steps, and then I saw the eggplant and the rows of beets and the organic squash, and I just kept going.
Manny's pushing organic now?
The scourge of gentrification. Next he'll be Hawking that coffee grown in cat shit.
Frank, I am shopping, I am part of the economy, I am myself again.
Today... A grocery truck, tomorrow the world.
I always thought agoraphobia was permanent, like autism or AIDS.
She'll be out in the world, she'll go back to work, she'll learn the truth.
That you're a raging alcoholic?
KKate
Who owes money to everyone?
Who's had sex with her daughter?
It's not sex if you can't remember it.
Well, then you're a virgin, Frank.
Gonna be out on my butt in weeks.
Why don't you just live at your real home with your real family?
I don't like them and they don't like me.
Frank squatted at my place for six months. Finally bought tear gas, smoked him out.
KKate
I gave myself crabs to get him out of my place.
It wasn't the crabs, it was your empty fridge. Laugh, laugh. If laughing at me is good for your self-worth, laugh on. My gift.
[Ian and Mandy are waiting for Mickey outside a prison]
Here he comes. You know, you didn't have to come with me.
We live in a bad neighborhood.
Yeah, but we're related to the bad people in our bad neighborhood.
The hell's he doing here?!
Hey, Mick. He thought I needed protection.
Oh, yeah? Trust me, you may think you know my sister, but you don't know my sister until you've fought my sister.
She's protecting your ass.
You smell like barbecue sauce.
Smell like what?! [Gets Mandy in a headlock]
No titty twisters now that I'm a C cup! Ow!
C cup? Bitch, you wish. [Turns to prison staff and yells generally waving both middle fingers] Hey, fuck you, fuck you, and especially fuck you.
All right, Jesus, let's get out of here before they throw you back in.
[Frank bangs on Dottie's door]
DDottie
Who the hell is it?
It's Frank Gallagher, Dottie.
DDottie
Get off my property.
I brought your pasta primavera.
Well, I-I would, but I recently went vegan. Honestly, Dottie, Antoine told us your news.
DDottie
I've had some health setbacks myself.
Wanted to tell you the crew at the bar's thinking of you. Thought I'd bring your dinner over and tell you in person.
I grabbed the last one he had. Enjoying your night?
DDottie
I'm watching one of those fat-people-hate-themselves- for-being-fat shows. Makes me feel healthy.
DDottie
I hate fat people.
Did you hear a beep? Oh, guy locking his car.
DDottie
Look, I'm missing my show.
DDottie
I haven't showered and I'm not gonna.
DDottie
And it's not an invitation to stay. Couch, fat people show, leave. I'm not a bed and breakfast.
Roger that. There you go.
...
DDottie
What's the deal, Frank?
The new me, Dottie. Just trying to help out, change my course, make amends.
Oh, God, no. But I like everything about AA. Except the "no alcohol" part.
DDottie
Thanks for fixing my toilet.
Sure I can't get you some pop?
DDottie
Frank, my heart muscles are decomposing as we speak.
You want to pump up my triglycerides?
DDottie
All right. All right. I could use some cool Ranch Doritos and some Zantac.
Like whiskey and a chaser, eh?
[Fiona and Craig are making passionate love]
I had the biggest crush on you in school, Craig.
My God, you're beautiful. I love you. Dead people poop themselves. [In Debbie's voice] Dead people poop themselves.
What? [She wakes up with Debbie standing over her]
Dead people poop themselves.
Harry pooped himself after he died.
He was my first dead person.
Finishing my nice dream now.
There are 200 euphemisms for death.
Kicked the bucket. Met his maker. Ate dirt. Six feet under. Pushing daisies.
[Answers phone] Can't a brother get some sleep here?
Bit the dust. Bought a pine condo. Went off the twig. Basted the formaldehyde turkey.
Winning one for the reaper. Living impaired. Past his sell-by date. Just add maggots.
So, what've you been up to since graduation?
I never graduated. My mom split my junior year. So I had to quit school, take care of the family.
It is what it is. What'd you do after graduation?
Went into business with my dad. Concrete.
Yeah, ha. I was surprised to hear from you.
I didn't think you'd remember me.
How could I not? You had the best ass in class. Ha, ha, I can still picture you in those sexy shorts running track during our football practices. Did you know I had a crush on you?
Ha, ha, ha, I might've had an inkling.
So how come you never jumped me?
I was afraid you might reject me.
You were a senior, I was a sophomore. And for the record, you know, I wouldn't have rejected you. Now you tell me. Besides, you were with that bitchy cheerleader. What was her name? Lucy Joe?
We had a few breakups, but we've been together since we were 15. What about you?
We haven't been together since we were 15.
There's nothing we can do about that now, can we?
No. You had to go mess everything up by getting married.
We would've been good together too.
Probably, yeah. Would've been great.
Guess we'll never find out now.
CEChicago El man
My wife says it's bad luck to put your purse on the floor.
CEChicago El man
Like throwing money out the window. You should pick it up.
...
Now I know why they call it a world-famous salad bar.
Have this one, King Henry. [They trade plates]
What was the final tally in the purse?
Five hundred and twenty-six bucks.
Jesus. Who carries around that kind of cash?
I was in Glencoe having coffee with a friend.
That guy from your diary?
Shut up and eat your spaghetti taco.
You think it's real? And if so, can I have it?
It is. The LV's are two inches apart, seams are even, stitching's yellow. And the leather has turned dark brown from oxidation. I read a lot.
Debs, have more salad. It's all you can eat.
In parts of India, they leave dead bodies on the street to be eaten by vultures.
EEthel
I can't wait to die.
EEthel
To be closer to God. If it weren't a sin, I'd kill myself so it could happen sooner.
Hey, Fi, you know what you should do?
Here. Found her home number. [Calls phone] Tell her you found her purse. I bet she'll give you a reward. [Hands phone to Fiona]
Those DVDs you wanted. They were 20 bucks each, but don't worry about it. It's on me. Terms Of Endearment. Misery. And Beaches starring that guy Bette Midler. One more thing.
DDottie
What the hell's that?
DDottie
It's a little small, don't you think?
They were out of big ones.
DDottie
You're not serious?
Serious as a heart attack. Sorry, that was in poor taste.
DDottie
You wanna marry me?
DDottie
I could get my new heart any time now. Live a long life.
Well, then, let's live it together.
DDottie
Not sure I wanna get stuck looking at your mug.
I'll wear a bag over my head.
[They laugh]
DDottie
Sometimes you're funny, Gallagher. [Has a coughing fit] Who am I kidding, I might only have a few weeks if my pager never beeps.
Don't you wanna die knowing someone loved you?
DDottie
You don't love me.
You're kinda growing on me.
[Frank walks into Sheila's house with Jody upturning the couch cushions]
I used all my savings to buy it.
[Starts walking up stairs] When I lose something, I like to say a prayer. Something's lost and cannot be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.
I don't have a prayer for that.
