Shameless · Season 1
[Lip and Karen are making love in the top bunk in the boy's bedroom]
I have something to tell you.
What? Finally gonna let me plow the back fields?
You already are.
Oh, shit, sorry.
That's okay. I like it.
So, what'd you wanna tell me?
We can't have sex anymore.
What?
I'm pretty sure Jody's gonna propose.
Is that a good thing?
It's a great thing.
Hi.
Hey. What's up?
I feel bad somebody swiped money. [Produces cash wad from purse]
Yeah?
Yeah, I thought...
Oh, please, like I don't know you took it!
What?! No.
Come on, you stole my goddamn money! Admit it!
I did not!
Of course you did! You're a skanky, ghetto trash, hood girl!
Like you're all high and mighty because you moved and have a Louis Vuitton?!
Which you fucking swiped!
Which you were stupid enough to leave on the El!
Bitch!
Oh, you're the bitch! Okay?! I came here to be nice, but forget it now! [She starts walking away]
Fuck you!
Oh, eat me!
Whore!
Slut!
Asshole!
Cunt!
Off to steal another fucking purse?!
Finders keepers, losers weepers!
Fuck you!
Fuck!
You okay, Daddy?
Just looked death in the face, Debs. It wasn't pretty.
I know what you mean. You just have to think of something nice.
Scratched cornea. Brass bits and gas ripped into my eye.
You're lucky that's all that happened to you. Cartoons-- whole head explodes.
[Walks over to Dan at a table missing his right arm] Dan, my man.
Ha. Very funny, asshole.
Come on. I'm just messing with you. Look at us, we look like a couple of pirates.
Can't believe you're cock-blocking Karen.
She has no cock. How am I blocking it?
Let her go, man.
What do you want? Huh? You wanna marry her? Be with her forever? I'm looking out for her. She's my best friend.
I'm your best friend. She's your fuck buddy.
You're my brother who should shut the fuck up.
Friends want what's best for each other.
This could be the best thing for Karen.
You know what's best for everyone?
The kid who wants to die for a country that thinks he's one of God's mistakes?
A shrink said I'm one of God's mistakes.
The girl has "whore" tattooed on her arm. She put my dick in her mouth.
What?
You need to shut the fuck up.
So what? You get her to dump the guy, stick around for when Carl gets his first woody, so she can work him too? [Lip roughly forces Ian aside and walks out the room]
I already had my first woody in history class, talking about how Marie Antoinette's head got chopped off.
What, are you freebasing lycopene now, you worthless piece of shit?
Why you got to be such an asshole?
Apple fell where you dropped it.
Wanna see how fast I can unhook your bra?
I don't wear a bra, runt.
[Sheila and Frank are ready to go out] Frank, you are always like that after sex. Seriously, you're like a little steam engine. Now come on, you're already late for work. Let's go. Come on. Come on. [A plane wheel crashes down and narrowly misses her, Sheila immediately reverts back to her agoraphobia and goes back into the house]
[Kneels down and clasps both hands in reverential gratitude to the higher power] Thank you. Thank you.
Karen, your dad is dead.
Nice try, but that doesn't turn me on anymore.
[To Lip] That's the Gallagher sperm. Ambitious, relentless-- everything we're not once we're born. Like heat-seeking, baby-making guided missiles. Won't be long before the whole country's nothing but Mexicans and Gallaghers. Son... it's time we had the talk.
Little late for that, huh?
Different talk. She gonna keep it?
Looks like it.
Big responsibility, being a parent.
Is that right?
That's what I'm trying to tell you. My philosophy. You got to let kids learn for themselves.
You mean, fend for themselves?
You give a man a fish, you've fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, you've fed him for a lifetime. I raise fishermen. The best gift you can give is neglect. Neglect fosters self-reliance.
Jonah and I are off to the playground.
Anybody offers you candy, that's code for crack. Apple jacks, crunch 'n munch, hotcakes, jellybeans, fries, caviar, crackers, dip-- all crack. Say, "no, thank you."
Got it. I'll go tell Malik.
Malik?
We're having a play date.
Sounds more like a date date. I know what goes on in the playground besides hopscotch and middle-aged men jacking off. That kid's a player.
He's the best player! He showed me an old basketball game on TV last night, and I learned so much. Did you know that Chinese people can grow to be seven feet tall?
Last night? He skipped the game?
Hey, ready to bounce, E? Hey, Ms. V.
You don't skip out on your team unless you're lying in a hospital bed with an iv drip and a bullet in your spine.
The game last night? We didn't have no game.
Kev said there was a game.
Nah, you got it twisted. Next game's tomorrow. Hey, let's get ghost.
Okay.
Later, Miss V.
On the house? I'm in mourning.
Freebies for family only, Frank.
Then start the mother of all tabs. Once Eddie's life insurance money kicks in, moderation's gonna be a thing of the past.
Moderation?
How much you talking about?
City life. Got to be 50k at least. A toast, to Eddie Jackson. Who had the foresight to take care of those he loved.
I wouldn't celebrate just yet, Frank. You're not the only one interested in Eddie's life insurance. Police are asking a lot of questions. [Motions head to two police officers questioning patrons in the bar]
So?
Eddie was weighed down with a cement block.
So?
So, everyone here heard Eddie threaten to kill you.
Threaten me, not the other way around. Murder's not my bag. I don't have the constitution. Blood makes me queasy.
And I didn't plant that pipe bomb down at the mosque, but it was on my route, so the pigs got a warrant. Never would have found the videos otherwise. I served 18 goddamn months. If Curtis didn't want his wife filmed naked, he shouldn't have left the blinds open when he took her out of her wheelchair to change her diaper.
You got any skeletons, Frank?
None that come to mind.
Identity theft.
Simple misunderstanding.
Endangering the welfare of a child, human trafficking, drug running, medicaid fraud, disability fraud, mail fraud...
The longer they look, the more they'll find.
What are you doing wearing my top?
Pheromones. I'm borrowing them.
Pheromones?
It's the thing boys like about you.
You mean tits? Think you might be a year or two off.
What does Holly Herkimer have that I don't?
Besides HPV?
You get to dress up.
It's going back, tomorrow.
Put the top back, no more playing dress up. Hymen stays intact.
[Holds up a jar] What's that? What's it look like?
A finger.
Yeah. [Holds up a gun] You can touch it, but never put your finger on the trigger unless you're gonna shoot someone. You like secrets? So do I. Hold out your hands. [Gives Carl the gun] Our little secret, all right?
...
There are important decisions to be made. This money comes with responsibility Can you run downstairs and ask Jody for the paprika? Trusts, tax evasion, liquidity.
As soon as Eddie's claim is settled and that check comes, we have to--
Frank.
What?
I can't let you be in charge of Eddie's insurance money, sweetheart. You're an alcoholic.
I wasn't talking about me.
Okay.
Did you think I meant me?
No. We need a highly experienced professional.
Yeah, that's right. And for the record, many great men have been well-lubricated. Henry Ford, Scott Fitzgerald, David Hasselhoff... they all kept a bottle close.
Mom?
Beethoven's Fifth. Coincidence? I don't think so.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
