[Fiona and Ford are walking through warehouse of antique furniture]
American midcentury modern.
Reference to the Danish design movement of the 1950s. [Fiona laughs] Try it.
Says who? You get to choose that. That's what design is for. Decide who you want to be. [Attractive saleswoman walks up to Ford with him and her conversing in Greek and she walks away] Thank you.
Greek. I lived in a monastery in Macedonia for a while.
And I just scored you a $2,000 chair for 450, which is insane.
I'm not gonna spend $450 on a chair.
It's not a chair. It's an investment in your future self.
Well, lookee here, Mr. Popularity. Mr. Mr. Viral Sensation.
Kind of hoping they'll lose interest.
Yeah, well, there's more and more of them every day. They're blocking the garage door. I'm gonna have to park the ambulance outside by the curb so I don't accidentally run somebody over. What do they even want?
Guess they just want to be seen by... someone who sees 'em back.
Please. Looks to me like they want to douse you in syrup and slurp you up with a spoon.
Here you are, sir. On the house.
Of course. Our elders are a precious resource. Thanks for staying alive.
GGerald
I'll drink to that. [Svetlana walks over] My, my. You must be Svetlana. Wow. What a knockout. Good evening, ma'am.
May I procure you a cocktail?
GGerald
Your profile was, quite provocative. You were an escort for a time, weren't you?
Hand whore. Occasional cock-sucking and fucking. What is your name?
"Gerald." Sounds like bald man drowning in hot soup.
[Hands drink to Svetlana] There you are, m'lady.
GGerald
What would it run me if, you and I were to take a walk out to my vehicle and you were to keep me company for 30 minutes?
GGerald
Forty bucks. And you take off your shoes so I don't get any... dirt on my seat. [Svetlana punches Gerald in nose and walks away]
Could've gone worse. Don't know how.
[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
GJGay Jesus fans
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
MMurph
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
MMurph
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
MMurph
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
[Svetlana is sitting before Kevin and Veronica in their living room]
Okay. You did really well last night.
However, we need to tone down the rage a little. You're not gonna get anywhere if your date thinks you want to murder him the second he ties the knot.
Great question. Which brings us to Part A of our plan, etiquette.
[Writes on marker board] Rich guys are old school. They want a lady to be a lady.
A man wants to feel powerful. Really powerful. So let him dominate the conversation. Act like he's totally fascinating.
Okay, this brings us to Part B of our plan. This is a tiny microphone. Attach it to your shirt. This is a tiny earpiece. Put this in your ear. Come on, Svet. You're Russian. This is spy shit. It's in your DNA. Testing, testing. Can you hear me?
I meant in the thingy. Can you hear me?
Okay. Do everything I say. Scratch your nose. Tuck your hair behind your ear. Excellent. Say, "Kevin Ball has a sexy voice."
Kevin Ball has a sexy voice.
[Carl finds his clothes cut up, strewn along the house side walkway and walks up to Kassidi sitting on back stair steps]
[Finding his clothes cut up and strewn along the side house walkway] What the fuck?!
You cut up all my uniforms?!
Well, I weighed out the pros and cons, and I made a decision for our family. I think that it's better for everyone that you don't go back to school. We have a wedding to plan.
Don't say my name like that!
Do not say my name like that, I mean it, Carl!
Kassidi, this is not a joke! I am going back to military school!
I hate you! [Goes in back door and shuts it]
Hey! Fuck. [Walks up steps and bangs on door] Wait! You can't leave me!
Hey, what the fuck! You're not gonna die! We're gonna see each other like once a week!
What the fuck?! You kidding me?!
This engagement is bullshit! [Kassidi throws ring out door]
What? What the fuck? I paid like 100 bucks for that!
My God! What do you want me to do?!
Marry me before you leave, dumb-ass. You love me, right? You love me, right? Then what's the point in waiting?
Son, I don't think I've articulated how impressed I am with your recent endeavors. I knew you were talented, but...
"The Church of Gay Jesus." Is this a jumbo shirt?
To reach the masses, you've got to embrace merchandising to take your brand to the next level. How about t-shirts proudly displaying your message?
Well, I- I don't have a church. And I'm not fuckin' Jesus.
Tongue in cheek, son. When you repurpose a- an iconic logo for the- the sake of kitsch, you present an ironic critique of American consumerism. And if that logo just happens to resemble a... giant, throbbing penis, what could be more counterculture?
It looks like a hot dog. And the lettering sucks.
Revolutions don't come wrapped in a cute ribbon. You want to bring down power structures? You want to get in the face of people who are peddling corroded ideals? You need a uniform that screams authenticity. We didn't pay Chinese factory orphans three cents an hour to make these. No, this is our living room. Our hands. Our sweat. Talk about grassroots.
I have a meeting tonight at Trinity and Life Evangelical. You can hawk your shit there, but everything you make has to go to Trevor's kids.
Come on! This is my retirement fund. Twenty percent. Thirty? Okay, 95 percent, and we appreciate your business.
[Carl and Kassidi are waiting at the Cook County public records office]
We should go get a blanket and a bottle of champagne, go in the park, and lay in the grass as man and wife, and let the moon and the stars bless our union. Cute!
PAPA announcer
Now serving, 103.
Yay! That's us. Okay, come on. All set.
MLMarriage license clerk
Your marriage license is valid for 60 days in Cook County only. There's a one day waiting period before the license becomes effective.
Wait. So we can't get married today?
MLMarriage license clerk
You can get married at this exact time tomorrow.
What the fuck? This sucks.
I look like a fucking First Lady.
Here. Go cross your legs and pretend to be captivated.
Smokey to Bobcat. Do you hear me? Over.
We're trying to get Svetlana married off to a rich dude.
So... you just gave 'em your place, just like that?
What else was I supposed to do? Man, I was really digging my quiet mornings away from Gallagher chaos. And it's extra bad right now 'cause of Ian's gay messiah shit.
He should read Pope Leo the 13th's encyclical on property rights.
You know, whiskey is actually clear when it comes off the still. It gets the caramel color from the barrel...
You know, I'm just... I'm just gonna say this. Sometimes it feels like it doesn't even matter that I'm sitting here. I know all the places you've lived. I know all the languages you speak. I've met your exes, your baby mamas, your spawn. And yet, you have never asked one question about me. Did you know that I became legal guardian of my siblings when I was 23? Or that I dropped out of high school, but then I got back and I got my GED?
Yes, actually, I did. And I know you did it to convince your genius brother who's a recovering alcoholic to stay in college. I know you got left at the altar by your junkie fiancé with whom you were very much in love.
'Cause I ask around. There's some other stuff I know. You're fiercely protective of your family. You're generous. Like today, for example, you gave your apartment to a homeless family.
You are so very much yourself. You don't even have to try. And frankly, you scare the fuckin' shit out of me.
...
[Gerald walks over to Svetlana at wall] It's him. It's him. Svet, Svet. The buzzard is in the tuba. The buzzard is in the tuba.
I have no idea. I've never done this before. What's she saying? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. We never tested the microphone.
All right, well, she needs to relax. Tell her to lean in a little.
Svetlana, lean in a little. Too far. Too Far. Too far. Too far. Take a sip of your drink. Sip, not gulp.
Tell her to- to ask him about something.
All right. All right. All right, Svet. Ask him about his mother. No, not his mother. Ask him about his favorite sports teams. Allergies... What the hell do people talk about on dates? Did she just drop her earpiece in her drink? Oh, no. [Svetlana nears her hand to Gerald's crotch] She's gonna grab his cock, isn't she? [Svetlana moves hand all the way in] Called that one.
CCami
When I heard he got paroled, I... I couldn't think straight. I've never been able to get that night out of my mind.
Yeah, you, uh... never really told me what happened.
CCami
He came home... wasted almost every day. That night, he found a towel on the bathroom floor and started slapping her around. Mom was screaming. He told her to shut up, but... she didn't. So he punched her... and kept punching her... until her face just... blood and bones and hair.
CCami
Me and Neil, yeah. Told us if we ever said a word to anybody about it, he'd fucking kill us both. Took a blanket from Neil's bed... wrapped Mom up... and threw her in a dumpster. Policewoman gave us Cokes. We never got Cokes.
CCami
Ten. We testified against him, both of us. And they just let him out.
Open the door, please. I need to get my dog. This is stupid. I was fair to you. I let you stay in my apartment and you sue me? Why am I the bad guy? Hey! Rusty?! Have you guys been feeding him? Is there water in his bowl? [Whispers] I will kill you with my bare fucking hands. Okay. That's fair warning. I am the owner. I have a right to enter these premises! I'm coming in! Are the locks changed?!
TTrina
This is my apartment.
Hello! Did you change the locks on my apartment?! [Answers phone] What?! Oh. Sorry. Sure.
TTrina
I'm coming right out.
There had better be water in his bowl!
...
Is that bad? I mean, they're roofers, right? You would think the one thing they'd know how to do is not fall off.
IAInsurance analyst
Uh-huh. Minimum liability up to half a million.
Half a million? They're suing me for six million.
IAInsurance analyst
People rarely get what they're asking for. We settle almost all of these.
IAInsurance analyst
Could be. In any case, your contractor's on the hook for it. We're gonna go after his insurance company. You got the contractor's info?
Uh, yeah, cell phone number.
IAInsurance analyst
That's all you've got?
I don't think there's any skin left on my dick.
I just can't get enough of my husband. I need more Carl. I wanna know everything about you. Remember when you said that you and Ian... You guys ran away from that foster home and lived under the bridge? Did that really happen?
Your life. Uh, where... where you lived under the bridge, where you sold your drugs, where that guy chased you with a hatchet. I wanna see it all. I mean, I am Mrs. Carl Gallagher now. I need to know the life you lived. Come on. I'll rub lotion on your dick and we'll go.
JJason
We can't just keep attacking people doing these conversions. We need to bring Ian's message directly to the disenfranchised, wherever they are.
MMurphy
Oh, you're saying we should preach in gay nightclubs? Why not, hmm? Nightclubs, street corners.
BBic
Ian, two big dudes just showed up. They're trying to take one of the kids. [Ian, Murphy and Jason rush outside to see Blake being manhandled into a van]
LLinc
You gotta be kidding me, right? So you think you can get your roof fixed for $500 from a guy that's got insurance? Come on.
You don't have insurance?
LLinc
Hey, I do honest work, and I pay my men exactly what I say I'm gonna pay 'em. There's always some asshole gaming the system, saying, "Oh, I'm hurt."
He's got pins in his ankle. I think it's fair to say that he's hurt.
LLinc
He fell. Whose fault is that? Fuck him. Let him sue me. The only thing I own in this world is that truck. He'll have to kill me to get it.
